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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to make of this comment?

206 replies

sc93 · 28/01/2020 05:36

Hi guys just after some casual advice
I've been in two mentally and physically abusive relationships over the past 10 years, and now I'm currently in a new one and all seems to be good. He is twice my age but that doesn't matter as he is sweet loving caring and behaves in the same manner as me
However for two days now he has made the comment of "I wouldn't want you to get bigger than you already are" (I'm a size 12 and have been for years only been smaller in my teens)
Is this a dig at my size? I'm unsure of how I'm supposed to feel about this comment
Any advice would be great x

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 28/01/2020 08:30

Oh dear God. sweet loving caring is he? Because he wants to impress his arm candy thats why.

Are you seriously ok with being the OW? What do you mean he has nothing except you? He doesn't have a job, friends, kids, hobbys?

You've found yourself in another unhealthy relationship by the sounds of it.

Ohyesiam · 28/01/2020 08:33

It’s not a dig about your size, but it’s a warning to keep you on your toes and show you where the power dynamic is.
He’s saying it’s up to him to decide if your are good enough. He’s saying that if you stay within his boundaries you will be acceptable to him.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 28/01/2020 08:35

Get rid of him sharpish

Windmillwhirl · 28/01/2020 08:37

In 8 years he will be 60 and you in the prime of your life. Think carefully, he sounds horrible. Imagine if you said you hope his skin doesn't keep sagging or doesn't get ED. I'm sure that would go down a treat.

Please don't think you have to stay because he left his wife. This is your warning, I hope you don't ignore it

Goawayquickly · 28/01/2020 08:37

Let’s not beat around the bush, you had an affair with a married man, you have now found out this slime ball is warning you that he’s with you on condition you stay a certain way.

You are young and already have experience of abusive relationships, I’d suggest you spend some time single and work on your self esteem.

This is an old bloke compared to you, his divorce will have an impact on his kids and his finances. He is not a nice man is he? A cheat, which automatically makes him a liar and thinks he’s entitled to a hot young girlfriend.

ofay · 28/01/2020 08:39

His wife is probably having a celebratory cream cake now she's rid of him.

Strongmummy · 28/01/2020 08:43

Oh god OP. The fact he left his wife and family for you should not make you feel more secure! That alone would be a massive warning that there’s something off in my mind. If he was a decent guy he’d be ensuring his children felt safe and secure with their new normality , not shacking up with a woman half his age.

He’s having a mid life crisis. You’re his “trophy” and he wants to ensure you stay that way to give his ego a boost.

FinallyHere · 28/01/2020 08:44

this man left his family for me

And yet he is telling you that his love is conditional on your maintaining a certain look. Wow betide you if you get old, or slow down or heaven forfend get ill.

When someone tells you who he is, believe them. This might be fun for a fling: getting emotionally involved with someone who only cares about you for your looks is not a good idea.

Try working on your self esteem (easier said than done I know myself) so that you can pick partners who love you for you.

SmileyClare · 28/01/2020 08:46
  1. He's prepared to cheat on his wife and turn his back on his dc
  1. He's using the fact that "he's given up a lot for you" to emotionally blackmail and guilt trip you.
  1. He's twice your age; immediately an unbalanced dynamic.
  1. His attitude is that your his possession and he can dictate how you look, how much you weigh.

This screams unhealthy toxic relationship. Sorry.

lowlandLucky · 28/01/2020 08:46

He was a married man that cheated with and he will do the same to you. Move on with a single guy

Bluetrews25 · 28/01/2020 08:54

Where (and why!) does a woman in her 20s meet up with and begin an affair with a man in his 50s? At work? Hoping he was not your superior at work.....as this makes a bad situation even more sleazy and nasty.

DearHappy · 28/01/2020 08:59

All put together (you’re 26, he’s 52, he’s married, he’s got children probably close in age to you, he’s got no one but you Confused and he would have a problem if you put any more weight on) it’s not a great basis for a relationship is it?

Whynosnowyet · 28/01/2020 09:06

You have gained the booby prize op ..
Ltb today.

SallyWD · 28/01/2020 09:06

I wouldn't like that at all. Been with DH for 17 years. In those years I've been a size 10, 12 and 14. He's never commented on my size.

Nomorechips · 28/01/2020 09:13

Think about the exact times he said this to you and what you were doing at the time. We're you eating something? If so then you will always be thinking about what you are eating =controlling behaviour. OP you already know the answer. Plus someone who cheats on their partner is a shit and can't be trusted. One day soon you'll look at his saggy arse/wrinkly face and wondered what you saw in the grandad figure you thought you felt safe with. Abuse can happen at any age. Run. Now. And don't look back.

Opentooffers · 28/01/2020 09:29

You are still young, I recommend you take time out of relationships to get to know yourself and what you want. You've made a 3rd bad choice in a partner- twice your age and married!! You're bar is way too low, you don't have to be in a relationship for validation. Just because a man is interested in you, you don't have to reciprocate .

Original poster
sc93 · 28/01/2020 09:37

Thank you for all of your comments they are all indicating the same thing
When this comment was made it was after he had treated Me to dinner where I had a pudding as well - as did he
He's not George clooney nowhere near 😂
He will be 51 this year - not that it makes much difference as many have already made their minds up Bout the age gap
We aren't currently living together however he wants me to move down there once the remortgage is complete which will be by the end of the month
One thing did happen, I was arranging a girls weekend away for me and a friend as I've been spending all of my time with him, and he didn't like the fact I wouldn't be seeing him for two weeks due to working during the week
He said it would have been nice to consider Inviting him and treating him as he has been treating me since I've not been paid
I didn't comment, I just thought a break away would do me good then he said he started to feel physically sick so I mentioned no more about it
In general he portrays himself to be a very caring person and wants the best for me and the life we would be Spending together
He seems to be understanding to a certain extent however I haven't mentioned how the comment made me feel or what I thought in fear of offending him - due to past relationships
Btw his ex wife was a size 16. And his kids want nothing more to do with him they've all cut off contact and he starts a new job on Monday

OP posts:
Original poster
sc93 · 28/01/2020 09:38

I also haven't heard of the freedom programme x

OP posts:
Ahundredpercentthatbitch · 28/01/2020 09:41

Red flags all over the place. Run, now.

Don't get into another relationship until you've done the freedom programme.

Kittykat93 · 28/01/2020 09:42

Op you'll be posting on here a year or two from now asking advice on how to escape another abusive relationship. If it doesnt start off well, and he's already making controlling remarks, it's only going to get worse from here.

Are you scared of being on your own? Why cant you just walk away and spend some time building your confidence and self esteem

Shockers · 28/01/2020 09:44

He doesn’t want you to meet anyone else, or have fun with anyone- including friends. This is why he’s using all these mind tricks. Physically sick because you need a break? Give me strength! Pathetic man.

The years his poor wife has wasted on him... but at least she still has her children.

QuentinWinters · 28/01/2020 09:48

He said it would have been nice to consider Inviting him and treating him as he has been treating me since I've not been paid
Ugh. That isnt treating him. That's also him guilt tripping you and making you doubt something you probably appreciated.
You can do much better than this.

SmileyClare · 28/01/2020 09:55

You're being manipulated. Sad

I strongly advise looking at the freedom programme. There are courses online. It will help you gain perspective here.

Nobody is being judgmental about the huge age gap to be nasty. It's a contributing factor in abusive relationship and usually indicates a skewed balance in relationships; with the older man holding the power. You need to consider why you are attracted to a father figure as this may be a direct result of your past abusive relationships (you want to be looked after/cared for or are following a pattern of falling for a certain type of man?

The Freedom Programme will open your eyes. Look after yourself op Flowers

pallasathena · 28/01/2020 09:58

You are self sabotaging yourself OP by getting involved (again) with a man who has serious issues. And you deserve more. Much, much more.
Look up the Freedom Programme run by Women's Aid. Get hold of some books like 'Why Does He Do That?' (There are masses of self help style books on Amazon if you take a look)
Others will have recommendations but you are thankfully seeing a red flag for yourself by writing in today.
Pretty awesome if you ask me. Flowers

Interestedwoman · 28/01/2020 09:59

You don't have to put up with this. There are loads of guys around who are better than this. And being in a relationship isn't compulsory, anyway. I'm very happy on my own, and I'm not alone, hence the Happy Singletons thread.

In the name of god, don't move in with him.

I second other PPs- Please do the Freedom Programme if you haven't already- you can do it online if you can't in the flesh (though in the flesh is better as you'll meet other women so you can support each other etc.) freedomprogramme.co.uk/

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