What to make of this comment?

[sc93]

Hi guys just after some casual advice
I've been in two mentally and physically abusive relationships over the past 10 years, and now I'm currently in a new one and all seems to be good. He is twice my age but that doesn't matter as he is sweet loving caring and behaves in the same manner as me
However for two days now he has made the comment of "I wouldn't want you to get bigger than you already are" (I'm a size 12 and have been for years only been smaller in my teens)
Is this a dig at my size? I'm unsure of how I'm supposed to feel about this comment
Any advice would be great x

Fuck that. He's telling you that you've got an expiry date.

Probably around 30, max. So he'll be sniffing around for somebody younger from your 29th birthday onwards. Or sooner if you get pregnant, because then you'll be too fat for this prime specimen of dickishness manhood.

Trade him in for an enthusiastic 28 year old builder with abs of steel and the eyes of an angel. Might not go anywhere, but, oh, how pretty they can be...

You've had two abusive relationships. So you're now thanking god for sending you a middle-aged adulterer who has started belittling you before you've even moved in together. And he doesn't like you seeing your friends.

Seriously, sc93, you really can do better than this. And please bin the guilt about him having "given up" everything for you. He dumped his wife for a younger, slimmer woman he could mould and control (starting with the not-so-subtle warning to keep your body as he wishes to see it).

Please do some work on your self-esteem. Many therapists and self-help books can help with this. You can break this pattern of bad relationships - because believe me, the present one is bad: it can only look good compared with the previous two who beat you up.

Why would you even think of being in a relationship with a man whose kids don't want to see him?
Please end it and do the freedom programme otherwise you are going to be in another abusive relationship

You're 26 and have been in two abusive relationships. You've had an affair with a man twice your age who is controlling. You need to get out of the relationship and stop having relationships until you've done some work on yourself.

Perhaps start with the Freedom Programme or contact your local domestic abuse organisation to find out what help and support is available in your area. Look at doing some therapy to explore your vulnerabilities to predators.

Run. Runrunrun. Keep your head and your self esteem held high. Be proud of yourself for identifying that something felt wrong. Be proud of yourself for asking for help to work out what was going on. Be proud of yourself for leaving.

You've suffered abuse before. Now, right now, is your chance to get your big boots on and make sure you protect yourself from it happening again. You deserve much much better, and you will find it once you start saying goodbye to people like this.

Look him in the eye appraisingly and sat, "I wouldn't want you to get any wrinklier/thinner on top/greyer/scraggier in the neck area...

When he gets home say "looks like someone had a few too many chips at lunchtime" and look at him really disapprovingly. Chuck a couple of tuts his way too, for added effect.

@GiveHerHellFromUs Lol!

@sc93 Seriously, he doesn't know his luck.

Seriously OP, my advice would be to cut and paste the comments on here into a Word doc.

If you stay with him (which you may because he has just said one thing, which with your experience should be like a bomb going off, but never mind) then in the near future when it escalates, because it will, you can read these back and regret the wrong turn-yet again! Another bastard- and run away.

Or save yourself the aggro and leave now. You owe him nothing. He is a creep. A Middle Ages creep at that. A decent human being wouldn't say the shit he has to someone they care about. You know this. For fuck's sake just dump him.

Please run as far as you can. Horrible excuse for a man!!!! You deserve much better.

After so many recommendations I've decided to start the freedom programme I will be doing it online as there is nowhere local to me to attend
I'm very hesitant about moving in with him straight away but he still seems as eager as ever. I'm beginning to feel suffocated as he is on the phone to me 24/7 as he isn't currently working, he comes across as very needy and vulnerable I wouldn't even know where to begin to tell him I want to slow things down without sounding like a bitch or hurting his feelings

Op, FUCK "sounding like a bitch" - it doesn't matter what you "sound" like, what matters is you put yourself first, NOT this needy, emotionally abusive, controlling man. He has put on a good act for you - "I'm so kind and sweet and such a caring guy!", but He is SHOWING you through his actions and words he is NOT. His true personality and thoughts are already blaring through and you don't even live together yet, it will be WORSE if you moved in with him.

Moving in with him will be the biggest mistake you have ever made in your life. Save yourself years of hell now - don't concern yourself with how you might look- that's not your problem. Just tell him"its not working out, I wish you all the best", block, ignore, brief a massive sigh of relief and move on with your life. Please don't move in with this horror.

Actually how he responds to you when you tell him you want to slow things down will tell you everything you need to know/

If you tell him and he is absolutely understanding, steps away for the length of time you suggest (not 2 days) and changes his behaviour towards you then maybe we were all wrong.

He won't. I'm sure of that. Tell him, see what an arse he is and stick to it.

I would text him and say that you don't want to be with him any more. Goodbye.

I would then block him completely, phone, social media etc

If he comes to your home I would immediately call the police. If he comes to your home again I would immediately call the police.

You will 100% regret it if you stay with this abusive man

OP this all sounds horrendous.

Please don’t stay with someone because you feel bad about disappointing them. So he left his wife and kids for you? You realize that’s not actually a good thing? He’s clearly not a particularly nice man.

We women are so concerned with pleasing people and appearing nice and kind that we compromise our own needs.

You don't need to tell him face to face. Just stop replying so much, then when he bombards you with texts just say you feel overwhelmed and claustrophobic and you are your own person who needs space. He knows what he's doing to you.

Please, please, please leave this controlling man, OP.

I've been where you are, where you are scared of hurting their feelings or don't want to topple the apple cart. But this is what they thrive on. You've GOT to just make a clean break. Don't reply his texts or answer his calls.

But since he knows where you live, he might turn up. Can you move somewhere else temporarily?

Controlling.
When he says it again. Just say I wouldn't want you to be controlling either and it's a good job it's not your body then isn't it.
If I want to be big, small or stay as I am. Just let him know you can see what he's up to.
Also if you want to leave, leave don't stay because you feel bad.
You only think he left for you, his wife might have been glad to get rid of him x

50 year old men don’t leave their wives and children for a woman in her twenties because of her intellectual prowess or shared life perspective. You’re a trophy. And your looks, including body size, are a fundamental part of that. The age gap makes you controllable, in his view, so it’s not remotely surprising that he’s pulling this shit.

You are allowed to do what YOU want. If you want to end it you can. That doesn’t make you a bitch but so what even if it does.

I would say, if you do end it be determined about it or he will persuade you not to and have a firm plan as he will not be easy to escape.

Why is he not working btw?

I understand what you guys are saying
It took me a lot of courage to leave my past two relationships however I feel I still have the traits I have when it comes to thinking more about the other person and their happiness over mine this has always been the reason I've stayed longer than I should have
He isn't working as he was made redundant but starts a new job on Monday
I don't have anywhere to go temporarily either I'm currently living with my mum and family.
He comes across as a "sensitive soul" and cry's at almost anything that's emotional he is very feminine and I don't know if this is a ploy or if it's just his nature
He mentions moving in - it's an hour away from my family and work - and I go quiet just tending to nod and agree
I find myself turning into the woman I was when I was fearful of saying the wrong thing
I don't have much of a string support network around me and can count my friends on one hand
I didn't go away for the weekend away with my friend, however we are having a girls night out next Friday .. I'm supposed to be seeing him on the Saturday and his solution was to come on Friday after work - I assumed he would stay in the hotel and then pick me up as that's what he said but his tune changed to he won't be able to drink yo which I said let's see how it goes I can always drive down on Saturday instead as it's going to be a heavy night and I will want a lay in, the response I got was a little lost puppy face and him saying we will see closer and that he may still drive down
I think he's inviting himself to my night out I'm confused 😐
He doesn't have friends as he has led a secluded life with his family and it has always been just him and his ex wife.
I've lived life like that and lost a lot of people along the way it's very suffocating I can't relay that to him. I said he will learn to like being away from me as it's healthy all I got in return was that he doesn't wAnt to - as if a child would say
Sorry for going on but this is the only chance I can actually write and say what's happening and get a response for some clarity
Thank you for all your messages xx

Why didn't you go on your weekend away?

I'm not sure I understand what you mean about the Friday, do you mean he's going to stay in a hotel alone and then pick you up on saturday? Anyway he definitely can't invite himself to your night out.

It really seems like you need to step away from him. He's suffocating you now, it'll be much worse when you live together. Have you had any counselling to help you draw boundaries with people? Dump him, do the freedom programme, and don't get into another relationship until you feel stronger

He doesn't have friends as he has led a secluded life with his family and it has always been just him and his ex wife.

I had a relationship with a widower who had no friends (well one cousin who was a friend , but they did nothing social together because his cousin did everything with his wife and family) ... He was the most controlling, insecure, jealous and regularly stressful person I've ever been involved wuth. He started pressuring me to stop socialising separately from him two or three months j to the relationship and was still doing so when we finished months later. Every separate social occasion seemed to be viewed as offensive/inappropriate/indicating a lack of commitment in my part etc.

He had no separate friends because he chose to maintain no separate friends in any of his relationships .. very one dimensional and (to me) not well-adjusted or well rounded.

If I had gone along with it if have found it suffocating and restrictive .. when i didn't go along with u found myself involved in arguments and stress every month or two. Even the anticipation of the arguments was stressful.

He comes across as a "sensitive soul" and cry's at almost anything that's emotional he is very feminine and I don't know if this is a ploy or if it's just his nature

There's a section about that in the Lundy Bancroft book;

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Don't feel obligated to him because he left his wife .. he clearly wasn't committed to and didn't value his marriage; and would have left sooner or later when he had the opportunity/alternative love interest with another woman.

If he'd been committed and valued it, he wouldn't have been entertaining another woman for a second.