Should I be worried

[jasminfh]

I’ve been with my DH for 20 years, we have two children.
He has many female friends and is generally a tactile, friendly guy. I’ve been a bit suspicious of two of these friendships and looked on his phone. One is a woman he has known for over 30 years and who he swears is just a friend and that nothing has ever happened between then. He’s been hiding his phone from me so when I got an opportunity I had a look. They have been exacting messages for over a year and have definitely been more than friends in the distant past. They have sent each other photos, talked about me and her husband, talked about the past and what they want to do now. I know he can’t have actually seen her, she lives far away and he hasn’t been anywhere without me but this isn’t right, is it? They talk about dtd, their fantasies but also everyday stuff too. He’s being unfaithful isn’t he?

Oh dear this is very hurtful and yes, in your position I would consider this cheating. How are things in your relationship? Is he aware of your suspicions?

They talk about dtd, their fantasies

What’s the context of this?!

I think our relationship is ok. We are comfortable financially, do things together and as a family. He’s been a bit distant but has some work stress. The messages between them are explicit, they talk about what they are thinking about and what they would like to do to each other. She seems a bit more pushy about it than him but he starts many if the conversations about what he would like to do with her. He has asked her to send photos and she has. He has sent pics to her too. Some are explicit. They have talked about their feelings for each other too.

That is going way too far, you need to talk to him and find out a) is this just in his fantasy or is he aiming to make it reality? and b) if he is willing to cut her loose, would you be able to move on from this together or need to separate reggardless?

He's crossed a line...talking about what he wants to do with her. The trust would be gone for me with that.

I'm not saying I would immediately end the marriage, but I'd disengage from him and develop my own social life much more.

I'd really have one foot out of the door. I'd just take photos ad evidence and bide my time.

who he swears is just a friend and that nothing has ever happened between then
And yet he has sent and received explicit photos and discussed what they would do to each other?
He's so far over the line, it's no longer in sight. He's lying to you, having an emotional affair and is gaslighting you too. Take screenshots and keep them safe. Then ask him one more time if anything's going on.

Tell him .. despite his lies... you know he is being emotionally unfaithful and he's a Prick... it needs to stop.. or her Husband will be told

That’s disgusting. I’d absolutely consider that cheating and I think I’d probably end the marriage over it too. Such a sleazy betrayal, I’m so sorry

Screenshot the messages and photos. So he can't lie and wriggle out of it or gaslight you.
Start getting your ducks in a row.
When the time is right.....
Confront him and ask him what the hell is going on.

It seems as if the distance is the only thing stopping them being at it.

I'd take screen shots and I'd confront him. Only because I wouldn't be able to carry on as normal.

Oh, and I totally understand your hurt, this is a horrible betrayal.

What do you want to do re your marriage? Very often people stay put because it affects them too much financially to move on. But it's your choice. I don't think I'd be able to forgive this, personally.

Screenshot everything and sent it all to her husband. Then pack his bags and show him the door.

He's a lying cheating untrustworthy prick. You deserve better op.

Yeah that'd be more than enough to kick him out in my book- that's a fully fledged LDR. I'm sorry

I think our relationship is ok.

No, it isn’t. Your husband is making a fool of you.

He is sexually and emotionally cheating. He is lying, and feels entitled to pursue illicit thrills/ego boosts with OW. He has chosen to be unfaithful.

If my husband betrayed me like this, I would confront him and tell him to leave, as my trust would be forever gone.

He's cheating on you
Don't put up with it

My DH did the same.Had a long distance EA . Actually met up twice. He now claims it got involved because the distance made it unlikely to happen and it was just a fantasy .
But I was devastated to see the kind of things he said to her.
I don't understand how you can be OK with the explicit things you are seeing.
It needs to be addressed , this is cheating and total disrespect of your marriage.

And , just for info, when the OW ended it , I guess he missed the buzz and began going on dating apps, looking for excitement.
He says that once he had crossed the boundary , it was easier to do it again .

He is on his way out, by the way.

Don't say a word to him until you can access his phone again. Get screenshots of everything and send it to yourself.

Go to a solicitor just to explore your options.

Good luck and I'm sorry he's such a shit as you deserve better.

@jasminfh, I am so sorry to read this. My H did the same and it became a reality. I found out after he had left me. It was also long distance. The sense of betrayal is huge. If I had known what was going on I would have left him years ago. It helped me to look at attachment styles. Google dismissive avoidant because it may give you clues as to what’s going on. Good luck. X

Thank you for your replies. I’m a mess. I haven’t slept and spent the night windering about all the messages I don’t know about. I want to ask him but won’t yet. I’m going to see if I can get hold of the messages while he’s at work through fb. He has told her she’s beautiful (she is, I’ve seen her profile) and that he wishes they had been able to be together when they were younger. He has talked about her over the past 18 months but only in the context of mutual uni friends so I didn’t worry about it. It really hurts that while he is sleeping in our bed, he is thinking about her. Not all of the messages are about dtd and their fantasises some are just friendly catching up, chatting about what’s going on in their lives but the other ones are really explicit. I love him so much but I feel like I don’t know this man who would do this to me and his family. I never thought he could do this.

Wow. I am so sorry OP. I asked the context in case it was just a bizarre, talking about sex objectively as a subject matter type of thing. Which would be odd and inappropriate but nothing like this! This is cheating! It’s horrific and you must feel awful, betrayed and I’m sure it’s given your self esteem a battering.

Please take care of yourself x

Omg you poor thing no wonder you are a mess. This is horrible for you. As others have said, screen shot everything as cheaters use a script of denial then blame. Get your ducks in a row and hold on to your dignity. Only when you have all the evidence then you must calmly confront his cheating. I know you are desperate to think your marriage is ok, it isn’t and that’s what is so painful to accept. You may be able to save your marriage if handled correctly, he admits, accepts and stops the behaviour immediately and you get to personal therapy to get over the shock of the betrayal. He is having at best an emotional affair, at worse they may have met up at some point. Stay strong.

I wouldn't put up with this either. I'd want to confront him.

Sounds like midlife crisis - fantasising about what ifs in the past, etc.
If the two of them were meant to be together - they had 30years to do so.
This is just escapism from life and getting older. Not commendable, but not a real reason to throw all your toys out.
I think you don’t want to explode your marriage - and you want to make it a happier place instead and have him more involved?
Then instead of putting him on a spot - I’d try to do something else.
Get busier, happier - do hobbies? Exercise? look and feel better? Plan more things together that he and you enjoy?
Work on improving your relationship and making him a bit happier and busier with your life. So that the need to fantasize subsides.

Thinking what it is natural. Many people do it to some extent. As long as it doesn’t get out of control - it’s ok and will go away.

I agree screenshots of the messages then confront him. He’s having an emotional affair which I personally class as cheating

I think he is planning to meet her. This morning he casually mentioned that she will be in our city for work next month and that she has suggested they get together for coffee to catch up as they’ve not seen each other for a long time. He wanted to know what I thought about him meeting her. I don’t know what to say. If I say that’s fine I’m giving him the green light to meet her and risk them sleeping together but if I say no I’ll have to explain why. I don’t know what to do,

@jasminfh it depends how you want to play it - are you waiting it out?

If you want to confront him, ask him if "meeting for a coffee" is in the same vain as "just texting" and if it is, is he booking the hotel room or is she?