Should I be worried

[jasminfh]

I’ve been with my DH for 20 years, we have two children.
He has many female friends and is generally a tactile, friendly guy. I’ve been a bit suspicious of two of these friendships and looked on his phone. One is a woman he has known for over 30 years and who he swears is just a friend and that nothing has ever happened between then. He’s been hiding his phone from me so when I got an opportunity I had a look. They have been exacting messages for over a year and have definitely been more than friends in the distant past. They have sent each other photos, talked about me and her husband, talked about the past and what they want to do now. I know he can’t have actually seen her, she lives far away and he hasn’t been anywhere without me but this isn’t right, is it? They talk about dtd, their fantasies but also everyday stuff too. He’s being unfaithful isn’t he?

Good lick

luck

Good luck OP. You seem really nice and understanding, don't let these good traits in you let him weasel his way out of this

Good luck OP.

Good luck xxx

I hope it goes the way you want

He’s gone out. I told him I wasn’t happy about him meeting her for coffee, that I had seen the messages, that I had screenshots if then. He has not denied them but is adamant they are just friends and that no harm is being done by just talking. I said I thought they weren’t appropriate for two married people and he stormed out. He’s guilty as sin, isn’t he? He wants to sleep with her, will do if he can, I think. I need to think now about what I’m going to do. The DC aren’t in yet so didn’t hear anything. I’m going to try to shield them while I work out what to do, just to jet you know I did suggest she came for dinner - he says she wouldn’t want to impose because she’s a considerate person!!!

If he thinks it a perfectly normal way to communicate ask him how he'd feel if you send his brother lingerie pics and sexual messages.

What a ridiculous fool.
He's probably gone to get his story straight.

If he stormed out after you confronted him instead of staying to try and save things with you then I think you have your answer

Even if he doesn’t sleep with this woman he has betrayed you and made a deliberate choice to leave you dealing with his selfishness

You deserve so much better and so do the children.

just to jet you know I did suggest she came for dinner - he says she wouldn’t want to impose because she’s a considerate person!!!

too ashamed more like...

You did the right thing OP... stay strong and focused and do not let him gas light you into thinking any of this is acceptable... Prick..

Show him the explicit pictures- in what universe is that OK? How is he going to justify that?

He's stormed out to text her. Can you check his messages now and see what he's saying.

I also presume he'd be happy for you to be talking dirty to a bloke?

It's an emotional affair, and just because it's not got physical doesn't make it 'ok'

Tell him you're going to check with her Husband and to see if he's happy with this arrangement...

Tell him you're going to check with her Husband and to see if he's happy with this arrangement...

That's a really good point actually. Tell him if it's all reasonable and fine then he won't mind the both of you going round to their house and showing her husband the texts

They have both said they shouldn’t be doing what they’re doing. Yet he says no harm is being done.

Bloody hell hes a coward isn't he OP, running away like a child. After 20 years together he can't even sit and have an uncomfortable situation. I'm sorry my love.

This blew my mind:

just to jet you know I did suggest she came for dinner - he says she wouldn’t want to impose because she’s a considerate person!

You're so bloody inconsiderate OP, asking your husband not to send texts about shagging to another woman. Honestly, how selfish of you.

If only you could be more like this kind and considerate woman... ugh I dislike your DH strongly on your behalf and I don't even know you two.

Also typical he's fucked off and your immediate thought is how to make sure the children are shielded from all this for now. You sound lovely, poor you

So its ok to pass explicit messages
To pass explicit pictures
To discuss conversations about sleeping together
To meet up

That's a big fat NOPE!!

He has stormed out to talk to her on the phone about it

Yes he's getting his story straight with her. Did you talk about the photos?

Like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

Deny , minimise, blame.

He is deep in emotional affair fog.

Sadly the only thing that wakes them up is when they realise what they may loose.

I’m confused, OP. In October you wrote about a man you were dating who ghosted you. You mentioned an ExH who left you in 2018.

@MsDogLady I wonder if this is a reverse based on that post - maybe they got back together and she's the one who's been sending these pictures and messages

He stormed out because he has been caught and absolutely knows it. He was hoping he could have his cake and eat it so keep you as his doting wife at home but go meet her on the sly ‘for coffee’ (a quick shag). Now you know the truth, he won’t be able to get away with it. I don’t doubt he’ll be texting her updates.

He’s basically been having an emotional affair with her for 18 months. It’s quite common with people in long term relationships/marriages, they fantasise about a life outside of their usual routine and get carried away. I don’t think I could trust him after this personally, you’ll always be worried he’s messaging her again or questioning where he is going.

I would've asked where they were meeting for coffee then just confronted them

Ah @msdoglady I feel like a tit now if that's the case! Hopefully OP can clarify as that does rather reframe things just a smudge in every conceivable way doesn't it!

That’s really sad if it’s true