Should I be worried

[jasminfh]

I’ve been with my DH for 20 years, we have two children.
He has many female friends and is generally a tactile, friendly guy. I’ve been a bit suspicious of two of these friendships and looked on his phone. One is a woman he has known for over 30 years and who he swears is just a friend and that nothing has ever happened between then. He’s been hiding his phone from me so when I got an opportunity I had a look. They have been exacting messages for over a year and have definitely been more than friends in the distant past. They have sent each other photos, talked about me and her husband, talked about the past and what they want to do now. I know he can’t have actually seen her, she lives far away and he hasn’t been anywhere without me but this isn’t right, is it? They talk about dtd, their fantasies but also everyday stuff too. He’s being unfaithful isn’t he?

Sorry but if telling another woman other than your wife what you would like to do to her is not 'cheating' then I don't know what is!!Screenshot his messages,send them to her husband (she should not be able to get away with that) and literally kick him on his backside out of the door!Don't allow yourself to be treated like this OP.

So sorry he reacted like that he knows he’s in the wrong he wouldn’t like it if you behaved that way but rather than own his shit shown remorse offered to cut contact he’s walked away probably hoping you will get over it and forget about for a quiet life

I have been in a similar situation minus the explicit text I was uncomfortable with the level on contact with a so called friend Dh reacted the same then came back to make amends but carried it all on by WhatsApp instead of text so it couldn’t be traced on the phone bill and made sure he deleted everything. So watch out for this and passcode changes on his phone etc as if he doesn’t think he’s in the wrong he will try to hide it which of course opens a whole new can of worms

Thinking of you op

I would also tell her husband by sending the screenshots

So sorry you’re going through this - its awful and sickening...

@jasminfh

OP - so in Nov you had an ExH if 23 years... and were dating.
What the what 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

@MMmomDD

I saw that too

@MMmomDD I didn’t realise that does change things quite significantly

oh wow...

That's the OP legged it now then. Possibly too much time on her hands today.

How do you search for op's previous threads?

You go to Talk and advanced search and put their username in. Yes I found it too.

Well basically the OP is either the current wife or the Old Friend.

I think she's the wife, and the post in October was when she first found the texts and was testing the water to see how we thought the old friend might be viewing the conversation.

Either way it's weird.

OP please come back and tell us which one you are!

How do you search for op's previous threads?

By username

I’ve not legged it. I was trying to get some rest so I can face this mess. Mumsnet has been in touch and I hope someone will let you all know that the other post is mine but not mine at the same time. I am the wife. I never thought I’d be posting on the relationship board about my own relationship so I’m feeling a bit delicate about this. Everything at home is a mess, I’ve asked questions and have got no answers that help. He’s here, denying everything and saying it’s in my head. My head is a mess. Sorry for the confusion, the other one really isn’t me, this is. This is my reality.

Take care of yourself op, this is HIS mess, not yours. He might be trying to minimise it and convince you it's ok. But if you're not ok with it, then it's not ok.

As someone said earlier, so you think the ow dh would be ok with the messages?

I hope someone will let you all know that the other post is mine but not mine at the same time

I don’t understand

@Crispysausagerolls guessing she posted on behalf of somebody else

Ah! Makes sense!

Oh the denying and minimising is a real head fuck how can he do that when it’s there in black and white I take it you have shown him the screenshots and then to gaslight you saying it’s all in your head

Look after yourself op

Tell a friend in real life op. Tell your dh you are going to discuss the messages with your friend. If he objects point out that he thinks they are fine so presumably friend will too.
I’m sorry you are going through this.

jasminfhWhat an asshole .Running away like that.
He should be told that absolutely NO ONE would find those messages OK. He is betraying you emotionally , disrespecting your marriage , being deceitful and being sexually incontinent.

Ask if those messages would be OK if he exchanged them with another woman. Why does he think that because he knows her , it is appropriate.

He is wrong , he knows it and running away like a petulant teenager is pathetic.

How can he think the messages, pictures, discussing what they want to do together, the meeting up...

Is all in your head

You have the message, pictures, the discussions and he asked if he could meet her.

Ffs he is off his head

Ask her husband if they are ok messages to send to each other

OP, im so sorry. He has been caught red handed and obv thinks he can pacify the situation by pretending your in the wrong somehow. Keep your stance, tell him if theres nothing wrong with the messages then they wont mind her husband reading them? scene as they are so innocent? Then send them to him!

He is adamant that the messages mean nothing, that they are just friendly messages between two old friends. The more he is denying it, the more i don’t believe him. I don’t want to see any more, I’ve seen enough. What I want to know now is if he intends to see her and if he intends to make the fantasies a reality. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do but I do know that I want to hear the truth from him.

Read the dirty ones aloud to him ! The ones where they say what they want to do to each other.He is taking you for a fool. I think two people need to decide if the messages are acceptable. You are her DH, would you know how to get hold of him if you wanted to?