Should I be worried

[jasminfh]

I’ve been with my DH for 20 years, we have two children.
He has many female friends and is generally a tactile, friendly guy. I’ve been a bit suspicious of two of these friendships and looked on his phone. One is a woman he has known for over 30 years and who he swears is just a friend and that nothing has ever happened between then. He’s been hiding his phone from me so when I got an opportunity I had a look. They have been exacting messages for over a year and have definitely been more than friends in the distant past. They have sent each other photos, talked about me and her husband, talked about the past and what they want to do now. I know he can’t have actually seen her, she lives far away and he hasn’t been anywhere without me but this isn’t right, is it? They talk about dtd, their fantasies but also everyday stuff too. He’s being unfaithful isn’t he?

Honestly I'd have to confront him. You know he's crossed the line and he's now asking for your permission to do so. The least he can do is be honest with you.

If he's now planning to meet her then I think it might be time to confront him. Do you have the copies of the messages you saw? I'd be tempted to say "Oh, is this so you can put all of this into action?" (while showing him the messages you saw), though I know that's probably not the best advice. I'm sorry you're going through this. I think if he actually goes ahead and meets her that would then be the relationship over for me.

Why not say - I have heard so much about your old friend over the years - let’s invite hot for a nice meal in our house....
If he was scheming to meet her - the easiest thing would have been NOT telling you and making up an excuse.
He is not doing that. But - to avoid creating an opportunity for something to happen - be proactive.
It will be hard for him to do no to a suggestion to a dinner.
And it’ll break their fantasies when they’ll be put in real life situation of a family home, etc

He's having an emotional affair. But hasn't had the opportunity to turn it physical.

It would be a game changer for me and as bad as having the actual affair. Sorry op

Just read your last post .

I think I'd be saying to him

'No you can't bloody well meet her, you've been sending sexually explicit messages to her (then I'd show him his messages printed out), I'd then also be asking him to move out for a while whilst you decide if you want to continue to be married to a man who's happy to disrespect you like this.

His reaction will tell you all you need to know. Just because he hasn't actually slept with her doesn't make it any better

I agree with the reef due to the messages you have seen no he can’t meet up with her

if I say no I’ll have to explain why

So do it. Explain why. Tell him you know about the messages, and you know his intent.

You don't trust him anymore anyway, so there's nothing left to lose really. Protect yourself and start making plans for the future without him.

I don't understand why you've not said anything to him yet? Are you waiting for more proof? If you don't want to confront him yet then I'd say yes of course and then check his phone again when they've organised it and see what they're planning before you confront him. But you can't not say anything at all, it goes without saying that its not acceptable to sext someone else when you're in a relationship

Show him the screenshots of his messages that will explain why you are uncomfortable with him meeting her

If I was you, i wouldn't put myself through this anymore, why would you? You haven't slept and all this because of him, a marriage shouldn't be like this. This is all on him.

For me, no matter what had gone before, if I found any messages like this, the marriage as far as I was concerned would be over and I'd be stopping this pain immediately. Yes, it would be replaced by another pain, but I wouldn't tolerate it a minute longer.

I know it's easy for me to say this, but it's exactly what I would do and I've been married for a long time.

Thinking a bit more on this, I think I'd tell him

'You need to decide how much your marriage means to you, and then decide if you want to meet her or not. This is your decision, not mine. I've seen the messages and you've overstepped the Mark, in fact I consider what you are doing an affair. Whilst you decide if you are going to meet her or not, please leave whilst I make up my mind if I want to continue to be married to someone who's happy to disrespect me in such a way'

If I were you he would be toast

What a piece of shit

He is basically asking for permission from you to feel free to do whatever he wants.

Also, she may live far away and he hasn't been anywhere (long distance / overnight) without you...but she could easily have been in the area without you knowing. It could explain the ease with which they exchange such explicit texts.

Just ask him when he last saw her. He will have to scramble through his lies to find the 'right' answer. You will know then that he has seen her more recently.

I'd say 'that's fine go for a coffee. Will you act some of your fantasies out with her?'. What an arsehole. He is cheating, OP

Don’t be passive, OP. Take control and confront him. You don’t need any more evidence of their emotional and sexual closeness. He is cheating and now plans to hook up. Take action now.

Definitely screams emotional affair this. Tell him to nip this 'friendship' in the bud asap if he wants to save your marriage..if not get rid.

I think now is the time to confront him before he meets up with her and it becomes physical. It could be salvageable depending on your views and his reaction to being confronted

Read Shirley glass's 'Just good friends.'

He's acting like a kid in sweet shop (and needs time out)

Seriously how would he feel if you was planning to meet up with a man you'd been sharing fantasies with ?

You must confront him and be firm.

I have managed to read all of the messages now. They go back several years but initially they really are just friendly. It’s the last year or so when things changed. He started it though, reminding her of something they did together, a place they visited and obviously means something to them. Their conversations move between talking about their fantasies and really boring everyday stuff. He hasn’t said anything about having any feelings for her other than his physical desire. She hasn’t either. They have both said they shouldn’t be doing what they’re doing. She wants to see him but he hasn’t actually said he wants to see her. I still don’t know what to do.

He’s not hidden anything on the PC. I have been able to see his profile and all of the messages he’s sent. It’s not both women as I first thought. Just the one that always seems to crop up in conversation.

You choices are

• go full guns blazing - and it will probably end their little fantasy, but also will bring up issues and resentment and you’ll be stuck with all of it for a while
• play it smart. It does seem more like a fantasy they have been engaging in. Not great, obviously. But in the grand scheme of things - not the end of the world. You can totally nip it in a bud.

Really - as someone suggested - invite her over. See her squirm as you host her. It will kill all the fantasies they have had.

If you honestly believe there's nothing emotional and it's just sexual fantasy it's easier to confront IMO. Tell him you wouldn't feel comfortable with him meeting her because of the messages you've seen. Tell him the way it's made you feel.

I still don’t know what to do.

Take control and just confront him with the messages, it's really as simple as that, he's the one it should be complicated for.

OP if you feel this awful.. then what he is doing is damaging the marriage. he needs to move out