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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I be worried

259 replies

jasminfh · 27/01/2020 16:13

I’ve been with my DH for 20 years, we have two children.
He has many female friends and is generally a tactile, friendly guy. I’ve been a bit suspicious of two of these friendships and looked on his phone. One is a woman he has known for over 30 years and who he swears is just a friend and that nothing has ever happened between then. He’s been hiding his phone from me so when I got an opportunity I had a look. They have been exacting messages for over a year and have definitely been more than friends in the distant past. They have sent each other photos, talked about me and her husband, talked about the past and what they want to do now. I know he can’t have actually seen her, she lives far away and he hasn’t been anywhere without me but this isn’t right, is it? They talk about dtd, their fantasies but also everyday stuff too. He’s being unfaithful isn’t he?

OP posts:
litterbird · 29/01/2020 16:13

So sorry but once caught they lie and lie and lie to save face and minimise everything. You’ve seen the evidence so that’s all you must go on. He doesn’t need to tell you anything else but how he is going to fix this and not excuse it.

Alfiemoon1 · 29/01/2020 17:01

Agree with litterbird he will lie and minimise everything print them out or show him the screenshots I would also send them to her husband

Halestorm · 29/01/2020 17:08

You know the truth.
He knows the truth.
He knows you know the truth.
She knows you know the truth.

You don't need to hear it from him - you already know enough. The explicit messaging is crossing the line. The explicit photos are crossing the line. Wanting to meet up to put these fantasies into practice is crossing the line.

You don't need him to actually stick his dick into her to say he's crossed the line, he did that a long time ago.

So let him see her for 'coffee'. You go see a solicitor while he's doing that and prepare to hit him with the divorce papers with A4 size printouts of the worst of the screenshots stapled to them.

avocadoincident · 29/01/2020 17:14

Christ OP he's hideous. Do you have someone in real life that you can talk this through with.

I would 100% tell her husband

MsDogLady · 29/01/2020 17:54

...they are just friendly messages between two old friends.

Really? Read aloud some of his and her descriptions of the sex they want to have with each other. Ask if he is suggesting opening up the marriage so you both can have such ‘friends’ to sext and meet up with.

You need to go nuclear. Enough is enough. Tell him that you will not be made a fool of with his stonewalling and gaslighting. You are not going to swallow his shit sandwich.

Kick him out and visit a solicitor.

MsDogLady · 29/01/2020 17:58

Yes, find a way to contact OW’s husband and send him their sleazy messages.

Take control, OP. This man is a terrible role model for your children.

Summer8900 · 29/01/2020 18:02

Please send all those messages to her husband

YasssKween · 29/01/2020 18:10

Just friendly? Including explicit pictures?

Ugh OP I hate him on your behalf.

It's insulting he's behaved this way in the first place but equally insulting he's now bare faced calling them friendly exchanges when they involve explicit pictures and discussing what they'd like to do to each other.

Bloody hell. You poor love Flowers

Interestedwoman · 29/01/2020 18:48

Sending explicit pics is beyond the pale. I'm sure he'dve met her and got off with her- at least if he'd had the courage.

What a cunt.

Hugs xxxxx

Isthisit22 · 29/01/2020 20:50

Eh???
Why are you still debating this with him.
Sending explicit pictures cannot be in your head. You have evidence.
Find your strength andChuck him out.

Marshmello · 29/01/2020 21:49

I'm afraid that you need to establish one crucial fact:

Is he denying this because it was a flirtation and he wants it to go away because it was just a turn on but really he only wants you?
In which case he must give it up completely fir any chance with you.

Or

Is he denying to protect her so her husband doesn't hear of it? So he isn't the weakest link and via him she gets in trouble?

Marshmello · 29/01/2020 21:50

Ask him what her husband thinks of it.

Marshmello · 29/01/2020 21:54

Have you actually said ok so all right it's nothing but it feels bad so please drop it and stop it?

To see what he says?

I personally think it's a flirtation got out of hand. I don't think he was intending to run off with her. It's a mid life crisis and they die down. So decide if you want him fir the long haul, in which case work through this. Or if it's too much, make exit plans.

I get told I'm wrong, but I think sometimes you have to work through something, rather than just ditching.

You can work through a flirtation. You can't work through eg daily abuse.

This sounds salvageable to me.

Alfiemoon1 · 29/01/2020 22:18

I think you could work on it only if he held his hands up and admitted he was wrong that he was flattered by the attention and things got out of hand etc and he agreed to cut contact with her. His denying it when you have proof and gaslighting that it’s all in your head and showing no remorse makes it even more unforgivable

I do hope you are ok op and also have real life support to turn as I said I have been through similar minus the sexting and got the same reaction from my dh it’s just a friendship it’s in my head when you know full well it’s not and they have crossed the boundaries

Josuk · 29/01/2020 22:28

If the messages are only friendly - then there is absolutely no reason why she shouldn’t come around.
It’s not imposing at all....
Tell him to bring her over so that you can clear the air...

In reality, OP, I do not think he was planning to act his fantasies with her this time around.
If he were - there won’t be hesitation on those messages; and they’d have gotten more explicit; etc. This is what people do if they are about to meet after long flirtation.
Also - he wouldn’t have asked you about meeting her. He’d have done all he could to hide it.

So, for what it’s worth, I think it’s more a case of a bit of fantasy and escapism getting a little out of hand. It was never meant to become reality.
Now that you have confronted him - it almost became bigger then it ever was.
Not sure what you can do now.

MsDogLady · 29/01/2020 23:21

OP is not to blame for his infidelity. Likewise, her confrontation did not cause his cheating to become bigger or sleazier.

This is an intentional 1+ year long emotional affair with sexting and the exchange of explicit photos. Constant messaging from sunup to sundown. Even in the face of black and white evidence, this despicable man is gaslighting and abusing OP by saying it’s all in her head and is normal friendship behavior.

OP, protecting their relationship means more to him than you and the children do. He is absolutely dismissive of your feelings, your boundaries, and your marriage.

His mentioning OW in conversation and his checking with you about meeting her for ‘coffee’ are manipulative tactics to throw you off the scent and cover their affair. It is ‘hiding in plain sight.’ They’ve already had mutual sexual experiences with the sexting and photos. Of course they intend to consummate their relationship if they meet. Do you think they’ll be discussing movies?

SummerWhisper · 29/01/2020 23:41

She will be in the area specifically to meet up with him. She will have a hotel booked. A daytime 'coffee meetup' won't be a problem for them in the privacy of her hotel room. His head and heart are already there...hence his minimising, so that he can still get away with it.

MsDogLady · 30/01/2020 05:15

I agree with @SummerWhisper. This meet-up will be a hotel assignation.

While he has been building intimacy with OW, he has been creating emotional distance between himself and you. This space has made it easier for him to justify his betrayal, lie and manipulate you.

He needs the sharp shock of hearing that you will soon be headed to the solicitor, messages/photos in hand, to discuss your options.

Original poster
jasminfh · 30/01/2020 06:31

Thank you for all of your replies. He isn’t speaking to me at all now. I have said we need to sit down and talk. I am prepared to listen but I also have a plan and an appointment with a solicitor on Monday. He is still messaging her, I think. I’m not looking anymore. It’s too much. I also have her husband’s contact details but I don’t think I’m going to tell him yet.

OP posts:
avocadoincident · 30/01/2020 06:34

I'm glad you are going to a solicitor. Don't change tour mind on that even if things seem better over the weekend.

Without him talking to you there is no hope. Why isn't he fighting for his family? I don't understand his reaction at all.

Alfiemoon1 · 30/01/2020 07:22

Glad you are seeing a solicitor he’s showing no remorse he will still be messaging her but will cover his tracks more now and delete everything

His reaction speaks volumes even if the messages weren’t explicit you his wife are upset about them and he should be doing everything he can to reassure you he not he’s refusing to discuss it or even speak to you it’s like he’s punishing you when you have done nothing wrong

Alfiemoon1 · 30/01/2020 07:27

I would definitely inform her husband he has a right to also know what’s going on

GiveHerHellFromUs · 30/01/2020 07:40

I agree about telling the husband. Then he can decide if they're just normal conversations between friends for himself.

TheReef · 30/01/2020 07:44

I think I'd call his bluff and simply say to him 'I've forwarded the messages to OW husband as you are confident you are doing nothing wrong' if he kicks off then he clearly knows it's wrong

Sunflowersok · 30/01/2020 10:38

He’s having an emotional affair 100% OP. You know what this will lead to if he meets her.

Messaging constantly throughout the day, talking and out fantasies etc etc he’s basically having the exciting part of a relationship with her whilst you are doing the life stuff and raising the kids. He should be doing all this with you. Don’t stand for it.

Well done Op for telling him!