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Original poster

Should I be worried

259 replies

jasminfh · 27/01/2020 16:13

I’ve been with my DH for 20 years, we have two children.
He has many female friends and is generally a tactile, friendly guy. I’ve been a bit suspicious of two of these friendships and looked on his phone. One is a woman he has known for over 30 years and who he swears is just a friend and that nothing has ever happened between then. He’s been hiding his phone from me so when I got an opportunity I had a look. They have been exacting messages for over a year and have definitely been more than friends in the distant past. They have sent each other photos, talked about me and her husband, talked about the past and what they want to do now. I know he can’t have actually seen her, she lives far away and he hasn’t been anywhere without me but this isn’t right, is it? They talk about dtd, their fantasies but also everyday stuff too. He’s being unfaithful isn’t he?

OP posts:
Original poster
jasminfh · 03/02/2020 08:08

Appointment this morning with the solicitor. The weekend has been long and stressful. He is adamant that because nothing physical has happened it’s not an affair. Apparently they know what they do is inappropriate but because they haven’t physically done anything it’s not hurting anyone. We’ll see what her husband thinks of that soon. His bags are packed but he’s not open to leaving. I’m not pushing it, I’m getting all the facts first. He is being exceptionally nice to me at times, trying to initiate physical contact and intimacy but I’m rejecting it all.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/02/2020 08:12

If he knows it's inappropriate, and knows it's hurting you, why hasn't he apologised and stopped?

He's acknowledged now that it's wrong but still doesn't see it as cheating?
When does it become cheating in his eyes, then? Hand hold? Kiss? Sex?

Good luck with the solicitor x

Alfiemoon1 · 03/02/2020 08:32

He is hurting someone he’s hurting you and you are his wife. He has admitted it’s inappropriate he shouldn’t be doing it but refuses to end it therefore prioritising his emotional affair over your long-standing marriage
I do wonder what will happen when the ow husband confronts her she may end things with your dh and he may start to back peddle please remember up until now he hasn’t apologised or offered to cut contact
Good luck with the solicitors

TheReef · 03/02/2020 08:43

He is hurting someone he’s hurting you and you are his wife. He has admitted it’s inappropriate he shouldn’t be doing it but refuses to end it therefore prioritising his emotional affair over your long-standing marriage
I do wonder what will happen when the ow husband confronts her she may end things with your dh and he may start to back peddle please remember up until now he hasn’t apologised or offered to cut contact
Good luck with the solicitors

This, with bells on it!

Justathinslice · 03/02/2020 08:49

Good luck for today OP

lesleyw1953 · 03/02/2020 10:03

I cannot believe the arrogance of this man! And I am really impressed at the way you are holding your ground. Good luck with the solicitor. Hopefully the OW's DH will be backing your stance too from his end. Flowers

Robin2323 · 03/02/2020 11:20

Apparently they know what they do is inappropriate but because they haven’t physically done anything it’s not hurting anyone.

But it is hurting someone- you.

Marshmello · 03/02/2020 12:02

But - going to meet up in a hotel was going to be ok?

It's v simple. If you still want him, he has to drop her forever and not have a code on his phone.

Or fuck off. That's it. There's no other option now.

candycane222 · 03/02/2020 13:51

Ugh. He knows it's wrong, he wouldn't put up with it from you, yet somehow you are in the wrong for not finding it acceptable???

He can get, and I cannot emphasise this enough, to fuck.

MsDogLady · 03/02/2020 15:47

Your values are incompatible. In your value system, he is cheating and that is what matters. You signed up for monogamy, but he has unilaterally changed the parameters of the marriage. You do not have to accept and accommodate his double life with OW.

This is sexual infidelity. They are having sexual experiences with one another via the sexting and intimate pictures....arousal, masturbation, fantasizing.

This is also emotional infidelity. They are constantly interacting. He is channeling his emotional energy, time and attention into her, and he refuses to give up their intimacy. He has emotionally abandoned you by disregarding your distress. Expecting you to be physical with him is beyond the pale.

Jasmin, he has turned your marriage into a farce. I would no longer have any respect for him and would tell him so.

YasssKween · 04/02/2020 22:11

It's not hurting anyone?!

Are you hurt? Yes? See, he's wrong.

God he sounds like an insufferable ego stroking fool.

Poor you OP I'm sorry all this has happened x

MsDogLady · 05/02/2020 00:17

How did it go with the solicitor?

Original poster
jasminfh · 05/02/2020 11:10

Thank you all for your concern. I had a good meeting with the solicitor and have a plan for all situations. He is still in contact with her, possibly even more than before. I have given him an ultimatum, give up all contact with her if you want to stay married to me, come with me to counselling and let’s see if we can work it out or leave and carry on your affair with her. I’ve not heard anything from her husband yet.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/02/2020 11:19

Has he responded to the ultimatum?
Realistically, if you pulling him up on it hasn't forced him to stop straight away, I fear I know his answer.

lesleyw1953 · 05/02/2020 11:31

Or he could get a different phone and lie ... Sorry you are going through this Flowers

avocadoincident · 05/02/2020 11:48

Well done OP. Very strange the husband of the other woman hasn't responded though?

Marshmello · 05/02/2020 12:04

I bet nothing from her husband as she has forbidden him to contact you as a condition of marriage saving. and/or she has convinced him you're a jealous psycho. And possibly that you've eg threatened her life.

That's standard OW defence/ruthless saving her own skin.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/02/2020 12:09

@avocadoincident if someone told you your husbands a cheat would you want to give them a day by day account of the state of your marriage?

avocadoincident · 05/02/2020 16:51

@GiveHerHellFromUs no I wouldn't but I'd expect some reply or acknowledgment

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/02/2020 17:44

@avocadoincident he did acknowledge it and told her he wasn't going to address it at the weekend because they had a family event.

MsDogLady · 05/02/2020 19:31

He has ramped up the contact with OW? He seems determined to keep her and have sex when she travels there. It will be the culmination of what they have been building. Perhaps they are working toward a future together, but are not yet ready to make a move.

He could easily pick #1 and lie that he has given her up, while going further underground with a second phone, etc. You know that he is capable of great cruelty and deception. How could you ever trust or feel peaceful with him again?

It is odd that her H has not updated after dialoguing with you last week. When you spoke did he seem alarmed and willing to confront her? He already suspected they’d been at it for 2 years, but seemingly had taken no action. Maybe he has a relaxed attitude regarding extramarital affairs.

avocadoincident · 05/02/2020 19:49

@GiveHerHellFromUs yes you are quite right. I'd forgotten that he said that.

Marshmello · 06/02/2020 17:05

I think the OH is just dealing with it privately.

Alfiemoon1 · 06/02/2020 19:01

Hope you are ok op

Original poster
jasminfh · 06/02/2020 19:15

I’m ok and not ok at the same time. He is still on his it’s not an affair because we haven’t done anything physically story but I know he would if he could. I have no idea what is going on on her situation and nor do I want to. I know what I’m going to do. He won’t stop talking to her, having his pathetic affair so I don’t want him. She can have him. I’m not being angry, just organised. I have said he’s to leave and he says he doesn’t want to but he can’t stay here. That’s the next step. Part of me hopes the pair of them end up out on their pathetic arses discovering that in the real world their affair isn’t that exciting. My focus is now our DC and working out the way forward for us.

OP posts:
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