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Original poster

Sibling, elderly mother and money

316 replies

needtonamechange1000 · 27/01/2020 15:40

I really need some perspective but will try to keep this brief.

My elderly mother has had a life changing/limiting illness and the outcome has been that she has moved in with us (dh and 2 young dc).
This is far from ideal as she needs a lot of care but she has adamantly refused to go into a nursing home and also refuses carers. My dh and I are doing it all. It has brought a huge amount of strain and I'm on my knees with exhaustion so my perspective isn't what it might be.

My (v unsupportive) sibling lives with wife and two dc overseas. He and I do not get along and he doesn't get along with my mother (with some justification) but she understandably is desperate to be closer to him and his dc. For context my sil hasn't spoken to her for over two years. Long story short dm has sold her house as realistically she will never be able to live independently again and given the entire proceeds to my brother. I have only just discovered this. She knows we are financially struggling but says she has faith I will somehow manage. I am trying my hardest not to be resentful but failing miserably. Earlier in the year she promised money towards a car for me as I take her to all appointments. This is no longer possible for above reasons.

I totally accept she can do what she likes with her own money but still...

OP posts:
liviadrusilla · 27/01/2020 15:49

I’d be very hurt. True she can do what she wants with her money but she’s putting you to considerable trouble and money could alleviate that (e.g the car you mentioned and carers coming to help). But beyond those practical points it’s very hurtful favouritism (even though she may be mainly trying to ‘buy back’ your sibling’s love). Is this part of a pattern? Frankly I’d want to tell her to go live with your sibling and if they wouldn’t have her to go elsewhere.

liviadrusilla · 27/01/2020 15:52

Just reread and seen she’s already refusing carers! You’re being lovely OP but she’s so unreasonable to treat you like this. Don’t wear yourself out for her - put yourself, your Dh and kids first.

Blue5238 · 27/01/2020 15:54

I am not surprised you feel so hurt. Have you asked her why she has done this and explained how you feel?

whyamidoingthis · 27/01/2020 15:57

I would be seriously reconsidering whether to continue caring for her. It's not so much the money but the blatant favouritism, the complete disregard for the cost of caring (financial, physical, emotional and mental) that's falling on you and the lack of gratitude for what you are doing.

If I was your dh, I would definitely be telling you that she has to go, either to your brother or to some form of supported living/care environment. The money she has given to your brother would have to be repaid in the latter circumstances.

Kit19 · 27/01/2020 15:58

Blimey that is harsh of your DM! yes she can do what she likes with her money but bloody hell!!

I assume she is trying to buy his love - either that or she subscribes to the idea that he needs it more because he's providing for his wife or some other out dated notion. she could also be trying to avoid care home fees if she does end of having to go into a care home

I would genuinely struggle to continue to do everything for her in this situation. She has no thought for you at all, it clearly either doesnt occur to her how hard this is for you or she doesnt care. Your life ahs been tunred upside down and her response is to give all her money to your DB because why? did she explain why or is that "none of your business?"

she has made her choice which she's entitled to do but all choices have consequences and one of those might well be that under the circumstances you dont want to have her live with you anymore

Im really sorry, this must feel like a massive kick in the teeth

Original poster
needtonamechange1000 · 27/01/2020 16:00

Thank you both. Really makes me feel less like a monster to have others understand. Yes, I have tried to explain how I feel. She says it's her only chance to have more of a relationship with him and that I'm good at managing with little!! He also asked her directly for the money as it would 'help his family'. He earns much more than me and my dh put together. I think dm is proud that she can help him be even more successful.

There is no chance of her living with him.

OP posts:
Longsight2019 · 27/01/2020 16:02

That’s awful. Had she have gone in to care after selling her property and gifting your brother the entire sum, the state would now be pursuing him for her care fees.

How on earth can any sibling accept such a sum of money when it is so blatantly unfair that you don’t have your fair share?

She’s utterly let you down and she needs to know that.

Original poster
needtonamechange1000 · 27/01/2020 16:02

I think it is definitely a case of trying to buy love. Unfortunately for her I don't think it is going to work either. Makes me feel quite sad for her too.

OP posts:
WatchingFromTheWings · 27/01/2020 16:03

Agree with the others. I'm not materialistic or money orientated but after that punch in the guts she'd be in a home by tea time.

redwoodmazza · 27/01/2020 16:03

I hope she never has to rely on state benefits of any sort - that action could be construed as 'deprivation of assets'.
Basically, she could be treated as still being in possession of the proceeds from the sale and may not be entitled to anything.

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/paying-for-a-care-home/deprivation-of-assets/

pallisers · 27/01/2020 16:03

Sorry but this is utterly ridiculous. She gave all her money to your brother and expects you and your husband to be her unpaid carers. Tell her you can no longer do it. It is clear she would rather be with your brother so when is he collecting her?

Sure she can do what she wants with her money. And you can do what you want with your home, your time etc.

She is horrible and your brother is worse. Leave them at it.

And what is this refuses carers/home etc. Tough - we all have to do things we don't like in life.

I say this as someone who takes elder care very seriously but your mother is just taking the piss out of you. How is your husband tolerating this?

Sparkletastic · 27/01/2020 16:06

I would tell her she needs to move out. Whether that be with your DB or in a care home. She's made her choice and she can live with the consequences.

pog100 · 27/01/2020 16:08

Hasn't she got any empathy or understanding of others' feelings? That's just awful. I wouldn't have taken her in, in the first place, I don't think it's really a good idea to bevome her carer but now, no way!
Not that it would sway my ideas but does she make any financial contribution to your household?

Kit19 · 27/01/2020 16:08

Ah so DB is golden boy despite all he's done and your job is to meekly step up and do everything for her because you're a woman and your husband will provide.

I would put her on notice that this cant be a long term arrangement. Having a relative live with you that you're caring for is hard enough even when there's deep love and trust and consideration. In this scenario, anger and resentment and exhaustion will build. It's not sustainable.

Every sympathy OP what an awful situation

cptartapp · 27/01/2020 16:09

I think your DM is massively selfish, and despite her being unwell I would never have moved her in or agree to be her carer. I've seen this situation unravel too many times.Why do her wants trump yours?

The relationship with your DH and DC comes first, not your DM who has had the best of her life. I would be looking at care homes for her despite her protests, although interestingly, unless she has plenty of ready cash, the gifting of a large sum of money after a terminal diagnosis could be seen as deprivation of assets which need to be paid back for her care. As they should.
I'd salvage my marriage and pursue this course of action.

ivykaty44 · 27/01/2020 16:10

I totally accept she can do what she likes with her own money but still...

Not when she’s living off you...NO she cant

Soontobe60 · 27/01/2020 16:12

First if all have you applied for carers allowance?

Contact the LA social care for the elderly. They can sort out what support you’re (or your down) is entitled to.
She needs to go into a hone and she needs to be told what the financial impact of her being with you is. So does your sibling.

Soontobe60 · 27/01/2020 16:12

Down - DM

saraclara · 27/01/2020 16:13

Normally I take the view that one can't expect anything from parents. Their money is theirs to do what they want with.

But in this situation, I'm just gobsmacked. It's bizarre. You're doing everything for her, she's living with you at no cost to her, and she gives the proceeds of her house entirely to the sibling who does nothing?

I'd be devastated. And I don't think I could carry on putting her needs before my own family.

To be honest, I'd want to contact him to say a) That she has given him everything while you are housing, feeding and caring for her while having a lot less money than him, and is he comfortable with that and b) warn him that should she need to go into a care home, the local authority will come after the money.

ChateauMyself · 27/01/2020 16:13

if I was your DH, I would be asking your mother to leave.

She is emotionally and financially abusing your relationship.

Whether we like it or not there are emotional and financial costs of caring. She has trampled over these and shown you what she truly thinks of you.
When someone tells you who they are - believe them.

Love51 · 27/01/2020 16:14

I'd ring your brother and ask if he realised about deprivation of assets and explain that mum needs the money for her care home. See if he will return some or LL of it, or pay her care home fees. Then tell her social worker if she has one that she needs to be out by the end of the month. I wouldn't have expected more than a 50:50 after she dies, but giving all her money away while you incur caring costs doesn't strike me as the actions of a compis mentis loving parent.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 27/01/2020 16:14

Q

cabbageking · 27/01/2020 16:15

She knows you love her without restrictions and hence is living with you.
She knows money is not the driving force and that she trust you to manage out of love.

The sibling is not the same as you.
Although you feel upset she knows your love is what counts and she trusts you to know money isn't the draw

Doesn't help you financially but you have the ultimate relationship.

Mandarinfish · 27/01/2020 16:16

OMG this is awful of your mother and your brother.

ImaginaryCat · 27/01/2020 16:16

I'd drive her to his house and deposit her on his doorstep, to enable this wonderful relationship she was hoping that money would buy her.

Otherwise you're now totally fucked. You can't get any carers, she's got no money to pay for them.

And if she goes into a home, the moment the council see what's happened, they'll insist she's self funding.

So your brother can fund it. Please don't kill yourself looking after her. Be kind to yourself. She and your brother aren't.