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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sibling, elderly mother and money

316 replies

needtonamechange1000 · 27/01/2020 15:40

I really need some perspective but will try to keep this brief.

My elderly mother has had a life changing/limiting illness and the outcome has been that she has moved in with us (dh and 2 young dc).
This is far from ideal as she needs a lot of care but she has adamantly refused to go into a nursing home and also refuses carers. My dh and I are doing it all. It has brought a huge amount of strain and I'm on my knees with exhaustion so my perspective isn't what it might be.

My (v unsupportive) sibling lives with wife and two dc overseas. He and I do not get along and he doesn't get along with my mother (with some justification) but she understandably is desperate to be closer to him and his dc. For context my sil hasn't spoken to her for over two years. Long story short dm has sold her house as realistically she will never be able to live independently again and given the entire proceeds to my brother. I have only just discovered this. She knows we are financially struggling but says she has faith I will somehow manage. I am trying my hardest not to be resentful but failing miserably. Earlier in the year she promised money towards a car for me as I take her to all appointments. This is no longer possible for above reasons.

I totally accept she can do what she likes with her own money but still...

OP posts:

Longsight2019 · 27/01/2020 17:26

Show her this thread.

TheBouquets · 27/01/2020 17:27

Depending on where you live OP you could claim part of that money if the DM dies in the next seven years.
I think deprivation of assets is taken quite seriously. You could tell SS and HMRC

Livandme · 27/01/2020 17:27

Wow. This is shocking.
If you can't get dh to talk to her, you need to get someone else to. She can't live rent free with huge care needs that are falling to you and your dh.

Is she of sound mind?
Your dB is a disgrace accepting the money too.

leckford · 27/01/2020 17:28

Siblings and money no surprise I am afraid. One of mine took legal action against my dad to get a lot of money out of him before he died. Nothing surprises me, she needs to go into care tough. Refer the local authority to sibling

Hannah888 · 27/01/2020 17:29

This is so hurtful. I am so sorry. You simply can't care for her without huge detriment to you and your family even if she hadn't tried to buy your brother's love. I cared more than willingly for 12 years. It is physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting. You sound like a saint and I hope your DH is too. The impact this will have is beyond description. She MUST go into care and soon. I hope your brother hasn't spent his inheritance because he will have to return it to pay for care. I wonder whether she gave it to him because she thought if she got it out of the Country it would not be traced and she would not have to pay. Op, please start by getting social services to assess her, apply for carers allowance and Attendance allowance if she isn't already getting it. Please do not let this go on. 26 years after my caring stint ended I am still suffering the ill effects of years of lifting and horrendous nights and I didn't have a family. My thoughts are with you.
Ance

ChicCroissant · 27/01/2020 17:29

That must be very hurtful OP.

I also agree with the PP that have said that if she does end up in a care home, they may attempt to get the money back from him! He could end up with a very large bill.

Orangeblossom78 · 27/01/2020 17:29

In the meantime she should get attendance allowance and the OP carer's allowance - as not means tested

Not sure if any way could get the money back from the brother though

Guiltypleasures001 · 27/01/2020 17:30

Sorry to hear this op

So is she paying you from a pension to live with you ?
Are you claiming carers allowance
And is there any money for a funeral in the future?

Thinkingabout1t · 27/01/2020 17:31

Oh, and I would give her notice to leave, OP. If she can't move in with your brother she will have to go into a home. It's lovely of you and your family to be so generous with your time and care. But she is taking the piss now, and having a really crushing effect on you. To pay for a decent home, she will need the money she has given your brother, so you may need to involve social services to help.

I'm not an expert in any of this! So do get advice from the CAB, or a specialist lawyer, or social services. Best of luck. Don't work yourself to death for people who care so little about you.

Disfordarkchocolate · 27/01/2020 17:31

Your brother is truly awful, your mother at least has the excuse of ill health but frankly, it doesn't wash with me.

I think you need to have a frank phone call with him and follow it up with an email. Ask him directly how he is going to finance her needs as you can't cope with her at home anymore and his mother has given him all the money she should have for a home?

I don't know how much I would be able to actually follow through but I would really struggle not to hate her and if I was your husband I wouldn't be able to live with her.

monkeymonkey2010 · 27/01/2020 17:33

She says it's her only chance to have more of a relationship with him and that I'm good at managing with little!!

Sounds like you have a narcissistic mother - and your brother was the Golden Child.
She KNOWS she's coerced and emotionally manipulated you into taking on full responsibility for her - and she doesn't care.

She has also deliberately made herself 'pennyless' so now you can't even use her money to pay for here care - especially in the later stages.

I don't think your mum has the mental capacity to be making such huge decisions like this because that money should be providing for HER.
I suggest you speak to Social Services and get them involved in her care - they can use the legal systemn to get that money back too.

Don't take this lying down OP otherwise you will be heading for burnout and breakdown - and you have your own family relying on you too.

ddl1 · 27/01/2020 17:33

This seems very unfair, as well as unwise just from her perspective (surely as a person with serious health problems/ disabilities she needs the money now more than he does - as do you as her carers). Does this reflect your mother's personality throughout her life, or is the illness affecting her behaviour? While I can understand her not wanting to go into a nursing home, refusing any form of non-family help at home seems extreme. Is your brother blackmailing her - emotionally if not literally?

eddielizzard · 27/01/2020 17:33

Her needs are going to increase over time, and you're on your knees. What she's done is absolutely shocking. I agree with taking a massive step back and call SS. She may rethink her gift, but even if she does, she's irreparably damaged your relationship.

I can't believe this behaviour has come as a complete shock. She must have been like this all your life?

Anyway, she's taking massive advantage of your good nature, and will continue to do so until you set very firm boundaries. Like get the fuck out of my house.

GreenTulips · 27/01/2020 17:35

Does she contribute at all?

BlueJava · 27/01/2020 17:36

What your mother has done is beyond shocking! She seems to expect you to continue to care for her and support her but has not helped in any way and has given her biggest asset to your broother. If it was me I'd be giving her and your brother a deadline saying you cannot manager any longer and she has to go somewhere else for care - whether to your brothers or a care home or assisted flat. Get social services involved and make sure they do the caring, not you. Talk to them about what she's done and how they can recover the money to pay for the bills she will be incurring. Think about your relationship with DH and DCs, not exhausting yourself for someone who gives you zero consideration.

katy1213 · 27/01/2020 17:36

I'd be tempted to park her on the doorstep of the doctor's surgery tomorrow and let the care system handle this. Tell her you'll drop into the care home for a half-hour visit once she's settled!
Could you put her on a plane to your brother's and phone him saying she'll be arriving whenever, please collect?

NettleTea · 27/01/2020 17:39

does she qualify for attendance allowance? Depending upon what she has wrong with her that could bring in between about 60-90 a week. Also once she has that you can apply for carers allowance. which is another 65. its not much but it might help.

although this doesnt help if she refuses to sign the paperwork and doesnt deal with the money issue which WILL come up because it is likely that her care will become more than you / your husband can bear and the council will look back at it

Blubelle7 · 27/01/2020 17:39

I'm the last person to want anything from anyone but your DM is out of pocket for this. Especially as you are already struggling and then taking on her additional needs. Blimey she gave h an entire house and couldn't even buy you a car for her own benefit. Being good on managing on a little money is not a compliment. She would be on a one-way flight to his or in a care home. Put your DH and DCs first, she evidently has no qualms about putting your DB first

diddl · 27/01/2020 17:39

If you're not coping then you're not & you have to say enough.

This would probably have happened anyway, regardless of the house.

She might not want carers/care home, but the current situation is no longer working.

As she has no house to move to, it looks as if a care home needs to be found with bills going to your brother.

NettleTea · 27/01/2020 17:40

of course the request for a carers assesment can come frrom you. As you can explain to SS exactly what she has done and how you are on your last legs

she is abusing you.

Bungalowlady · 27/01/2020 17:43

So sorry to read all this ☹️
Some excellent suggestions here.
Just wanted to advise you to check your DM has life insurance/ funeral plan in place.Also that any insurance policy doesn't name your brother as beneficiary.

BettyAll1 · 27/01/2020 17:47

This is crushing, sorry you’re in this situation. Your brother needs to use that money to help fund her care before he spends it on something for his own family.

Supersimkin2 · 27/01/2020 17:48

OP, your DM is abusing you. Financial abuse and domestic abuse.

OP, that's one of the saddest stories I've read. You must be dreadfully hurt.

She doesn't love you or her DGC that much, so being at home with you is no benefit to her, even though she says it is. Call SS for an assessment and get her out of your home. No good can come of her staying.

Mulhollandmagoo · 27/01/2020 17:52

My heart goes out to you, as you must be heartbroken! Your mum has done a really cruel thing, and it's possible it's time for a home? Please think of the impact this is having on your family!! I love my mum to bits, but I have no respect for her as shes spent my entire life bowing down to my gran, constantly putting her and her needs first, and she has left her house to my uncle in her will 👍 my mum still kills herself to pander to every whim

dottiedodah · 27/01/2020 17:53

Agree with all of the above! DM is well out of order here .Tell her that you cannot cope and stress is affecting your health .Speak to your Doctor as well . Phone SS and tell them what has happened ,and tell your DB not to use any of the cash or he will be liable for the Nursing home fees from his own pocket! Does she have any savings ? These are usually used first .Maybe she is misguided but so many older people tend ro favour boys its unreal!

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