Sibling, elderly mother and money

[needtonamechange1000]

I really need some perspective but will try to keep this brief.

My elderly mother has had a life changing/limiting illness and the outcome has been that she has moved in with us (dh and 2 young dc).
This is far from ideal as she needs a lot of care but she has adamantly refused to go into a nursing home and also refuses carers. My dh and I are doing it all. It has brought a huge amount of strain and I'm on my knees with exhaustion so my perspective isn't what it might be.

My (v unsupportive) sibling lives with wife and two dc overseas. He and I do not get along and he doesn't get along with my mother (with some justification) but she understandably is desperate to be closer to him and his dc. For context my sil hasn't spoken to her for over two years. Long story short dm has sold her house as realistically she will never be able to live independently again and given the entire proceeds to my brother. I have only just discovered this. She knows we are financially struggling but says she has faith I will somehow manage. I am trying my hardest not to be resentful but failing miserably. Earlier in the year she promised money towards a car for me as I take her to all appointments. This is no longer possible for above reasons.

I totally accept she can do what she likes with her own money but still...

That's staggeringly awful of your brother to ask and for your mother to do that to you.

I'd actually contact the council and tell her they'll need to provide help for her ... and let them claw the money back.

Mind you, in my head I was a lot less courteous and immediately said to myself, “That b*h needs to go.”

*treating not texting!

It sounds like it is too much for you to cope with. Put her into care - your brother can pay.

Oh and tell her to pack her bags. She's out. Let her beloved son look after her if the council won't. You can always put her on a plane.

"This is far from ideal as she needs a lot of care but she has adamantly refused to go into a nursing home and also refuses carers."

She can 'refuse' all she wants. She's deprived herself of her own home and you are now "on my knees with exhaustion" due to her selfishness. It's time for you to contact Social Services and pass the responsibility to them. Make it clear to them that she has no home with you, and they can raise financial issues with your brother.

It really is time - past time - to step back. She has made her own decisions, it's time to live with the consequences - and her decisions mean a nursing home is the only option available to her.

And this is what I would say even if she hadn't pulled this stunt with her house/money - you are on your knees. You can't keep carrying this burden, it will break you. It's time to put your own health and marriage before her unsustainable demands. You need to do this, for you.

Don't spend anytime communicating with your dB, he clearly doesn't give not jot about you, your DH or DC .

Focus on either organising carers to come in to care for your DM or finding her somewhere else to live. Let her know these are the options and which she would prefer. If she refuses to choose then you make the decision for her, get your dh to supply you and stick to your decision.

I'm so so sorry that your DM is treating you like this - prioritise your dc & your Dh.

This has really shocked me. I hope she took legal advice or else there’ll be a lot of problems ahead.

I’d agree a way forward with your DH and think about how you prioritise you, him and your children.

Your mother has been foolish at best and deliberately cruel at worst. Your brother is a very selfish man.

Time for some changes. 💐

OP - this is a massive burden to unpick and you do need your DH to play 'bad cop' for you. Use him to help you get over the emotional hurdles that exist here to finding a solution. It's very easy for us to say do this and do that when it's not our parent and we haven't been conditioned to accept the relationship you have.

First step is to contact the council and request the care home and see what they can offer. Second step is to tell them that you understand your mother transferred the proceeds of a house sale to your brother (she may not disclose this.) Give them his contact details and leave them to take it further if they need to pursue funding and she can't provide it.

I am guessing your brother lives in a country your mum can't move to because of immigration restrictions. How convenient.

I'd find it impossible to continue caring for her now

So would I, but then I wouldn't have moved her in to start with, money issues or not. As seniors sadly deteriorate there's a limit to the care unqualified helpers can give, and regardless of her wishes there's every chance she'll have to go into care eventually - so why not now, while everyone's more or less hanging onto their sanity

Admittedly there could be problems about "deprivation of assets" now she's given DB the money, but fortunately that'll be his problem and not yours

I think that what she has done is despicable tbh.

So no car now, but other than that does it make a difference?

Surely however/whatever she was paying she can still afford?

In fact more as she no longer has a house to pay for!

However, if you know longer want to do it, then don't.

no longer!

Why did you move her in?

I don't think you can ask social services to assess her needs without her permission but you can request a carers review/assessment where you basically say you can't care for her anymore and could they please arrange her care going forward.

Tell her that she can live with her son, as he now has the financial means to ensure she's looked after.

Give her 30 days notice and take legal advice about getting her out of your house.

Which country does your brother live in, OP?

Does anyone know if it's possible to get money back when the money has gone overseas?

That his awful. In light of what she has done I would be telling her you can no longer care for her as you don't have sufficient funds to care for her adequately.

Oh, and please read WhereYouLeftIt's reply at 17.17 again - and then again if necessary

I doubt any of us will put it better than that ...

I think you should contact your brother and point out that she’ll need this money for care costs.

If he was based in the UK there’d be a good chance that SS would go after the money if she needed to go into a home. As he’s abroad, though, I suspect they wouldn’t be able to claw it back easily.

A bread and water diet for her (as you can’t afford anything better) while you put your house in the market and downsize to somewhere with no spare room (because you can’t afford anything better).

And she needs to get taxis to the hospital.

I can’t believe what I’ve just read.

You need to find a care home ASAP and stop accepting being treated as a doormat by your awful mum. If she was willing to pay for and have professional carers helping, I could understand you letting her live with your family and trying to help her out. But to expect you to do the donkey work then to gift her major asset to your sibling because you can jolly well manage. Well, it beggars belief!

You are also not really thinking about the effects of all this stress on your husband, your children or yourself by meekly acceding to her demands. It’s really not on.

I remember my grandma coming to live with us when I was young and it was just awful. My poor mum was run ragged trying to hold down a job and care for us and HER. I found it hard to do my homework so went to the library straight from school most evenings, just to escape. I also couldn’t have friends round because Grandma was incredibly rude.

Grandma wasn’t a pleasant woman and yet the sun shone out of Aunty’s backside, even though she wouldn’t look after Grandma, her own mum. Aunty and Uncle had already taken what they wanted from the house when my Grandad died so there wasn’t anything worth having at this stage.

Eventually, after about 2 years, my mum had a mini breakdown so Aunty had to come and collect Grandma. Aunty lived in a large house and had never worked since getting married plus her son was grown up and living away so Aunty could have looked after her, if she’d wanted to theoretically.

Grandma was delighted about the change of arrangement and was a bitch about it to my mum...again.

However, Aunty simply collected her and took her straight to a nursing home more than 100 miles away where she died about 6 weeks later. They also arranged for her to be cremated rather than buried alongside Granddad, which I did think was wrong at the time but as a young teen, my opinion about any of it didn’t count.

Please stop and think about the longer term effects on your family OP. I know my mum bitterly regretted what Grandma put us all through but was also still upset that Aunty didn’t look after her at home as she initially promised to do.

Tim40 - if the council has the details of the bank account the money went from and to, and there is proof of a house sale, I would expect they could get a disclosure order. She may have some other records as well - like emails.

I think the OP should gather some evidence.

I'd be steaming about this.

I'd be very hurt in your shoes , your exhaustion is not clouding your judgement , it's s**t. I think she is trying to buy your brother's love while taking you for granted and I think.you should tell her just how hurt you are. It is her money but it's treating your children differently is always going to cause problems and it's understandably you are hurt.
Sounds like you are doing a lot for her , more than you can manage and I think you should consider a care home ( and I'd say this without the money issue) if your DM goes into care, social services may want to try and reclaim money given to your DB for cost of care.

He earns much more than me and my dh put together.

Have you told your DM this?

You also need to tell her that not going into a home will only be possible if she accepts care/help from community nurses etc. You cannot do it all. And you should't have to.

You have my sympathy, I'm fully expecting this to be my duty in a few years too.

OP, I would seek legal advice about this. There may be some chance you could get some of the money back from your brother. Your mother, who is living off you, presumably led you to believe she was going to pay (or leave you) something towards the costs. Basically your brother too is now living at your expense, and this may be where you can claim compensation. I don't know - just may be worth a try.

However, I don't think it would be worth paying for more than one advice session from a lawyer, uness you got someone on a no-win-no-fee basis. The law doesn't cover what is immoral or unfair (as your case is, monstrously!), just what's legal.

Your thieving git of a brother may have to pay a heap of tax on his ill-gotten gains, when your mother dies, as her gift may count as "deprivation of assets".

And as for the bad karma -- I'd keep a safe distance from him ....