Sibling, elderly mother and money

[needtonamechange1000]

I really need some perspective but will try to keep this brief.

My elderly mother has had a life changing/limiting illness and the outcome has been that she has moved in with us (dh and 2 young dc).
This is far from ideal as she needs a lot of care but she has adamantly refused to go into a nursing home and also refuses carers. My dh and I are doing it all. It has brought a huge amount of strain and I'm on my knees with exhaustion so my perspective isn't what it might be.

My (v unsupportive) sibling lives with wife and two dc overseas. He and I do not get along and he doesn't get along with my mother (with some justification) but she understandably is desperate to be closer to him and his dc. For context my sil hasn't spoken to her for over two years. Long story short dm has sold her house as realistically she will never be able to live independently again and given the entire proceeds to my brother. I have only just discovered this. She knows we are financially struggling but says she has faith I will somehow manage. I am trying my hardest not to be resentful but failing miserably. Earlier in the year she promised money towards a car for me as I take her to all appointments. This is no longer possible for above reasons.

I totally accept she can do what she likes with her own money but still...

[CaveMum]

Agree with @Twillow ‘s suggestion but don’t mention “in the next 7 years”: that only applies to inheritance tax. As far as deprivation of assets go the council can go back as far as they like if they think there has been a deliberate attempt to avoid care costs.

[MsTSwift]

Absolutely Cave wish people wouldn’t peddle these half truths there is no 7 year get out for deprivation of assets

[SpringFan]

Agree with previous comments about deprivation of assets, SS "looked at" my mother's will. My mother left her half of their house directly to my brother and I which she could do as they were tenants in common. It got very heated, dad was well and had looked after Mum so there was no indication that he would need care when she made her Will.

[Jux]

I'd love to go into a home - well, assisted living would be ideal for me. I'd no longer be a burden to my dh, a worry to my dd and I'd no longer have to think about asking for help depending upon how much help I have already had need of!

Mind you, I'm not anything like bad enough to merit assisted living in the eyes of SS, so it's a bit of a pipedream!

[tiktok]

Mostly good advice on this - but your mother needs legal advice and so do you. Transferring a large sum like this from a living person is a major step. You (or she) may pay a few hundred pounds in legal fees but it is worth it. It is correct that deprivation of assets is a serious issue and the money will certainly be chased and recovered - your mother should have been told this already by the solicitor involved in the sale of the house, if she said anything at all about what she was going to do with the money.

If circumstances are as you describe here, you are a fool. Sorry.

[showmewhatyougot]

So what are her plans for if her health gets so bad she needs more help then you can give?

She will just expect you to deal with it, struggle, or pay up yourself, whilst the brother lives large with no worries.

Who does this? Can you even legally just gift someone that amount of money?

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I wonder if OP will ever come back?

[WhatsTheLatest]

I hope so, people have gone to a lot of time and trouble giving advice and experiences. Damn rude not to, so I am sure she will

[SmellyBeard]

It's not rude. Don't offer your advice if you expect something back. No one owes you anything on here.

[Fairyflaps]

OP is run ragged looking after her mother.

She came onto the board to vent because she was angry, and has now found out that she has to take some action to prevent the proceeds from the sale of her mother's house going overseas, to prevent the situation getting even worse. So effectively an extra job on top of a workload which already has her on her knees.

Hopefully she has been able to find someone in real life who is able to help, whether that is social services or a solicitor. And she can get her mother off her back without feeling too guilty.

[Jux]

Exactly fairyflaps. I doubt the poor woman has time to worry about it, let alone get back here to read through the thread when she's got what she needs, has indicatedhergratitude, and won't have time to check whether posters not name checked are disgruntled o not! Some people are busy with rl.

[whyamidoingthis]

@WhatsTheLatest - I hope so, people have gone to a lot of time and trouble giving advice and experiences. Damn rude not to, so I am sure she will

I hope so, people have gone to a lot of time and trouble giving advice and experiences. Damn rude not to, so I am sure she will

I think it's damn rude to expect someone who is obviously having a tough time to come back and update. The purpose of threads like this is not to provide titillation and entertainment for readers. If you don't want to give advice without payment in kind, then don't bother.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

When someone describes themselves as "on my knees with exhaustion", the last thing I expect is for them to prioritise updating strangers over getting some rest. Or sitting with a well deserved gin cup of tea. Or staring aimlessly out of the window at nothing. All of these things will be of far more benefit to the OP right now.

But if you do have time/energy to read this @needtonamechange1000, be assured many of us are hoping that you are OK and that you are able to ease this burden. Best wishes and ((hugs)).

[needtonamechange1000]

Firstly, I'm really sorry for not having come back. I didn't mean to be rude
but I can see that it is when people have taken the time and trouble to try and help. Please accept my apology.

Deep breath - if I'm honest I found the whole experience of posting on here surprisingly overwhelming. At the risk of sounding even more pathetic I found it quite distressing. While I know that everyone was trying to help being asked what I was going to do about the situation, being called a mug and a few people doubting me just made me want to hide. I think this says more about me and my state at the moment. I'm not trying to blame anyone. I don't know what I was expecting but it was too much.

Anyway, a good thing to come out of this is that I was feeling so bad and suddenly unable to cope that I got an emergency gp appointment with the GP where I sat and wept. They were brilliant and I have been offered lots of support. DM understands that that this can't go on and everything - including money transfers - are on hold for time being. I'm not up to saying more - I have been given something to calm me down for a couple of days and it is making more tired. Extended family member is helping for a few days and DM has accepted this.

Sorry again and thank you for all your time. I hope some of what I've said makes sense.

[Triglesoffy]

It does make a lot of sense and I am glad that you are finally getting some support

[Disfordarkchocolate]

I'm so glad you are getting some support @needtonamechange1000, I hope your Mother and brother have taken stock of the impact of their actions and feel chastened. Mothers can be very blind to the faults of a child who doesn't stay in contact, perhaps even more so when the child has good reason to stay away.

[Supersimkin2]

Darling OP you need all the support you can get and more at the moment. People here are entirely on your side, but as you can tell, it can come out in some terrific indignation levels on your behalf.

What you have to tackle looks pretty daunting at first even to strangers on the internet. So take it easy, and remember it's do-able, if you go step by step.

You already have taken the first and biggest step, so bloody well done, you have guts in places most people don't even have places.

Take it gently on yourself, love. Very gently.

[whyamidoingthis]

@needtonamechange1000 - you don't have anything to apologise for. Your reaction was perfectly normal and the majority of decent people know that. The people who were rude are the ones who see your situation as entertainment and are demanding updates.

I'm glad you have made progress with your mother and that you are getting help. I really hope you get the help you need on an ongoing basis and that your mother starts to appreciate what you are doing for her. Unfortunately, some people take those who do most for them for granted.

[Beamur]

OP. Sounds like progress of a kind. Whilst it sounds like you've had a very stressful few days, maybe your voice will be heard now.

[Kit19]

Oh that’s brilliant @needtonamechange1000 I completely understand how overwhelming it must have been to see the replies - even when you ‘know’ it’s still hard to read

Delighted you’re getting help and hope this is the start of everything being much better xxx

[AutumnRose1]

no need to apologise for not returning.

I'm glad you have some help and a chance to step back from the situation.

All good wishes to you

[Mandarinfish]

OP I totally understand why you felt that way. The first time I was mildly flamed on an AIBU post (under a different username) I was astonished by how overwhelming I found the criticism from strangers.

Sounds like a good outcome though. At least your mum has had to see sense. Good luck with it all

[othervoicesotherrooms]

.

[Apolloanddaphne]

Why so passive aggressive @othervoicesotherrooms?

OP - anyone is within their rights to not return to a thread they started no matter what the topic. Please don't feel bad. It has all been very overwhelming for you. I am glad you went to seek help and I hope you get a good resolution now.

[Tamokilt]

It was good in one way to see the indignation of some posters on your behalf. But the posts were also OTT and relentless - little reference to other posters or general anger of thread or even noticing if you were still there - no wonder you felt overwhelmed, even “attacked”.

I hope you are feeling better, OP. Sounds like things in hand anyway.

I think your original post possibly a reminder of how awful mothers can behave sometimes .