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Original poster

Sibling, elderly mother and money

316 replies

needtonamechange1000 · 27/01/2020 15:40

I really need some perspective but will try to keep this brief.

My elderly mother has had a life changing/limiting illness and the outcome has been that she has moved in with us (dh and 2 young dc).
This is far from ideal as she needs a lot of care but she has adamantly refused to go into a nursing home and also refuses carers. My dh and I are doing it all. It has brought a huge amount of strain and I'm on my knees with exhaustion so my perspective isn't what it might be.

My (v unsupportive) sibling lives with wife and two dc overseas. He and I do not get along and he doesn't get along with my mother (with some justification) but she understandably is desperate to be closer to him and his dc. For context my sil hasn't spoken to her for over two years. Long story short dm has sold her house as realistically she will never be able to live independently again and given the entire proceeds to my brother. I have only just discovered this. She knows we are financially struggling but says she has faith I will somehow manage. I am trying my hardest not to be resentful but failing miserably. Earlier in the year she promised money towards a car for me as I take her to all appointments. This is no longer possible for above reasons.

I totally accept she can do what she likes with her own money but still...

OP posts:
woodhill · 27/01/2020 16:17

I'm shocked at your dm, how unfair of her particularly when you are caring for her

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 27/01/2020 16:18

I am not normally one for getting a DH to fight his partner's battles, but in this case I think it would be very helpful for someone who isn't a sibling to have a very firm word with your mother. I can't even write the 'D' to be honest.

She needs some home truths telling to her. She doesn't get to live in your home and refuse carers, she doesn't get to be so monstrously unfair to her daughter, you are not the skivvy while your brother is the golden child and she is behaving appallingly.

Depending on her response, if he feels that it would be best for your own mental health for her to go into a home, then so be it. He's your partner. Let him protect you (and again, this is an argument I think I've only ever made once before in my life). You need someone on your side to pick this up for you.

cabbageking · 27/01/2020 16:20

Carers is not means tested.

Drum2018 · 27/01/2020 16:21

I'd find it impossible to continue caring for her now. She may not want carers or nursing home care but at this stage she's shown you that she doesn't appreciate your care at all. So now I'd be looking at nursing homes asap. And your brother may find that the money will have to be sent back to fund her care.

Mlou32 · 27/01/2020 16:22

Tell her that you are so hurt at how little regard she has for you and that you are going to be speaking to social services in regards to a move to a care home. Absolutely do not take this lying down.

ZoeandChandon · 27/01/2020 16:23

What @Drum2018 said, totally agree.

user1480880826 · 27/01/2020 16:24

She’s an idiot for thinking she can buy her son’s affection and a horrible person for how she’s treating you.

saraclara · 27/01/2020 16:25

I think she needs to know how much she has hurt you. That you're doing everything for her, yet she's chosen your brother over you.

And your DH can play a part in putting that across to her.

Itwasntme1 · 27/01/2020 16:27

Does she contribute Financially to your household?

Does she have savings etc?

I think it’s time for nursing care. This is having to big an impact on your family life. Your children have to come first.

NumbersStation · 27/01/2020 16:28

It isn’t about the money but the unfairness of it.

Yes she may have the ultimate relationship. She has also got a massive hoof in the guts as a ‘reward’ for her unconditional love.

OP - As the pp stated above, your mum has put all sorts of conditions on you with regards to her care - with no consideration for YOU. Time to let your dh to tell her a bednight story...

Ginbauble · 27/01/2020 16:29

Also agree with Drum, it's completely unfair she has given all her money to her estranged son and none to the kind daughter who is caring for her.

And do make sure the social workers / authorities know that your brother has the house money so they can reclaim it to pay for the care home.

jessycake · 27/01/2020 16:29

I would contact social services about this as this is possibly financial abuse and certainly deprivation of assets . Would she have considered doing this a few years ago without telling you . I think you need a social services assessment as she will only get worse and you have to consider your partner and children too . How awful for you xx

kitkat71 · 27/01/2020 16:30

@needtonamechange1000 you are a saint. I can't believe how incredibly mean your mother and brother are. And how on earth are you able to continue care for her, when she has shown you no love or consideration at all?

Modestandatinybitsexy · 27/01/2020 16:38

How's she going to pay her way? Does she expect you to care for her completely as well as your family when you're already struggling?

It's obviously not fair. Cuntish of your dB to ask for the money, especially when you're the one who's taken on the burden of care.

AutumnCrow · 27/01/2020 16:40

What your mother has done, OP, is fucking disgraceful.

I agree with what @jessycake said,

I would contact social services about this as this is possibly financial abuse and certainly deprivation of assets . Would she have considered doing this a few years ago without telling you . I think you need a social services assessment as she will only get worse and you have to consider your partner and children too

And I'd tell her to start making plans to pick a care home, as you cannot manage, either financially, physically, emotionally or logistically.

This isn't all about money. It's about not letting yourself, your DH and your children be shat all over by your selfish relatives.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 27/01/2020 16:43

That's appalling!

I think you need to make her leave and, as a pp has already said, I think it would be better coming from your DH, as I suspect she respects men more. She has made her bed and now must lie in it. He needs to lay it on thick - that you're taking her actions as a sign you don't love her, that giving you some money would have made a huge amount of difference to your life (more so than to your brother's) and that he is flabbergasted that she expects to stay living with you after treating her so badly. She needs to make arrangements with your brother for an alternative place to live.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/01/2020 16:45

You've been really trained by her to put her first with your own needs dead last. Her last actions here are yet another nail in the coffin that is your relationship. It is really not possible to have a relationship with someone like your mother (who is really not worthy of the term).

On a wider level are you really all that surprised that your SIL has not spoken to her for two years?.

You need to get your both ungrateful and abusive mother out of your family's life before your H and your DC further see you go downhill. Do not suffer carer burnout as a result of your mother's actions. You will never get an apology out of her nor accept any responsibility for her actions.

FreyaMountstuart · 27/01/2020 16:46

Arrange proper care for her via social services - your brother will have to pay for it from the proceeds (will be seen as trying to avoid IHT)

OhMeows · 27/01/2020 16:47

That is outrageous. I'm completely shocked she would do that.

How does she financially contribute to your household? Is she covering her own costs?

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2020 16:47

That is staggeringly shit. You’re being incredibly calm about this OP! I’m with pallisers and like fuck would her telling you to “have faith*, cheeky cow.

She doesn’t get to move in, contribute nothing when she more than had the means to share refuse carers.

Time to get tough my friend. You’re being treated with utter contempt.

StLucia4 · 27/01/2020 16:49

Does she pay for her upkeep?
How do your children feel?
What has your husband said?

If this is putting a strain on you, your family and your well being I would gently explain looking after her any further is not possible.

I would also be harbouring resentment regarding how she split (or not split) her money albeit she is entitled to do what she wants with it but for your brother to receive the lions share and not contribute to supporting her is unforgivable, especially as she knows you are struggling! Shock

Frenchw1fe · 27/01/2020 16:49

If my dm did that she’d be on the first plane to my brothers house.

Straycatstrut · 27/01/2020 16:50

I am baffled as to why she didn't split it. I'd outright ask her and tell her I was hurt.

She's obviously done to it to make up for whatever they fell out over.

oohnicevase · 27/01/2020 16:51

I'd be asking your brother for the money back to pay for her care .. my god the stories I read on here about what families do to each other are so shocking .. why is it down to you to look after her , I'm sorry but I would call social services and put her in a carer home after that kick in the teeth !!

TopOftheNaughtyList · 27/01/2020 16:52

It's hard enough caring for someone without this kick in the teeth!

Have you spoken with your DB about the money OP and has he offered to share it with you? If he hasn't then I'd definitely be considering (wouldn't take a moment to consider actually) moving your DM to a care home because it's too much to expect you to do everything and pay for the pleasure of doing it. It's not fair on your DH and DCs too.

Make sure your DB is aware of deprivation of assets if you do decide on the care home. At the very least he shouldn't be spending it too quickly because if your DM should pass away within the next 7 years then the tax man will be after his share!

Even if you just go with having carers, a lot of councils will only allow you free care for so many weeks and after that they expect you to pay.

I'd be devastated if my DM did this to me, absolutely devastated, and I don't know if I would be able to forgive her.

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