Sibling, elderly mother and money

[needtonamechange1000]

I really need some perspective but will try to keep this brief.

My elderly mother has had a life changing/limiting illness and the outcome has been that she has moved in with us (dh and 2 young dc).
This is far from ideal as she needs a lot of care but she has adamantly refused to go into a nursing home and also refuses carers. My dh and I are doing it all. It has brought a huge amount of strain and I'm on my knees with exhaustion so my perspective isn't what it might be.

My (v unsupportive) sibling lives with wife and two dc overseas. He and I do not get along and he doesn't get along with my mother (with some justification) but she understandably is desperate to be closer to him and his dc. For context my sil hasn't spoken to her for over two years. Long story short dm has sold her house as realistically she will never be able to live independently again and given the entire proceeds to my brother. I have only just discovered this. She knows we are financially struggling but says she has faith I will somehow manage. I am trying my hardest not to be resentful but failing miserably. Earlier in the year she promised money towards a car for me as I take her to all appointments. This is no longer possible for above reasons.

I totally accept she can do what she likes with her own money but still...

[Almahart]

You poor love OP . I’m glad you’ve got some support. This is such a tough situation for you and you are doing amazingly

[Thinkingabout1t]

Thanks for responding, OP, though you really don't have to. You are totally exhausted after trying too hard, for too long, to look after your DM. You need to look after yourself, so it's a good thing really that your GP saw you break down in tears.

Like most of us here, I'm hoping you'll soon be feeling better, your DM in a good care home and your family finances settled fairly. But mainly hoping you'll be happy and well.

[slalomsuki]

@needtochangename100 I went through something similar last year helping my mother and watching her send money to my brother while I struggled to juggle 3 kids, a full time job and a DH who travelled loads. I got to breaking point in April last year and got carers in to help. This lasted 3 weeks before it broke down as she was refusing help from carers and waiting until they had left and then calling me overnight to do things.
Ultimately I had to call a halt to it all after being signed off work with anxiety and she ended up in hospital and discharged to a care home. She hates it but is safe and I can sleep at night. She still sends money to my brother but he now asks if he can cash the cheque and I have managed to get POA. It's been a long haul but I'm in a much better place and have some balance back.

Don't stress about the comments here and feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

[saraclara]

you don't have anything to apologise for. Your reaction was perfectly normal and the majority of decent people know that. The people who were rude are the ones who see your situation as entertainment and are demanding updates.

That.
All the very best. It seems that at least you now have should breathing space and people are now recognising that you need support. Take care of yourself

[ThanosSavedMe]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this op. What your mum has done is terrible. I’m so glad that you went to the doctor

I think (if you haven’t already) you need to be honest with your mum and let her know that it’s not all ok, that you’re not managing and that you don’t know how you are going to cope. That h thy see things don’t just happen by themselves. That you always find a way because you’re bloody good and putting everyone else first but you can’t do it anymore.

I’m hoping for your latest updates that she is beginning to see this and realise how selfish she has been.

Good luck and look after yourself

[CoraPirbright]

No matter how indignant we all were (and possibly a little hectoring), we are all behind you OP and feel so sorry for the position you find yourself in.

[needtonamechange1000]

Thank you all for your really understanding responses. I really appreciate it.

[whataboutbob]

OP you sound like a lovely person and I totally get that all the answers on here must have felt overwhelming, especially if they were underlining how you’d failed to do x, y or z to manage the situation better. The thing about stress is that over time it erodes your ability to cope with the further s... life throws at you and it gets to the point where you can deal with very little. Until you get an opportunity to regroup. In the long run you’ll come out a stronger person, even though that might be impossible to believe now.

[CrotchetyQuaver]

This is a really shocking story OP (and one I can visualise happening to me if my brother ends up with POA)
I'm so glad you've gone to your GP and I hope that will result in some additional support for you

Personally I wouldn't hesitate to move my mother into a nursing home in these circumstances if she is not prepared to accept Carers taking on some of the workload and paying a respectable amount into the household kitty to cover her keep.
Your brother sounds like a shit.

[Snugglemonster84]

I'm sorry if I sound nasty but I could not forgive her for this. This really is disgusting. If the agreement is you are going to care for her (whilst your brother does absolutely nothing) her selling her house should be either saved or given to you for her keep.
Im sure you love your mum very much but i could not do this. I would be explaining to her exactly how upset I was and giving her an option to contribute financially or she will have to organise her own care.
Also she's gifted the house sale to your brother but you say she is terminal? If she had to into a care home that money should have paid for that and I'm not sure how that would leave your brother

[fedup21]

Goodness, I can’t believe she would do this to you.

What money transfers have been stopped? Ones to your brother, or has he already got all the money?

Caring for and loving with an elderly relative is a massive strain on anyone’s physical and mental health. To expect you to do that whilst give all her assets to your brother, she is effectively sticking two fingers up at you.

I’m so sorry for you. Does he know how you feel?

[ChicCroissant]

OP, well done on asking for help - that must have been hard to do but I really think it's for the best. I'm glad your mother has become a little less stubborn about things and I hope it all works out for you. You do need to look after yourself.

[Jux]

So glad you're getting support now; it's the silver lining, I hope.

It's great to hear that your mum has acted more sensibly and things can be properly thought through before she does something idiotic which she could so easily regret, and which could bring greater trouble in the long run.

I hope that she will allow carers to help her, and look into taking much more of the load off your shoulders..

All the best to you and your family

[Twillow]

Sorry to hear that you've been overwhelmed, here and irl. Some people just get indignant on behalf of other people they've never met and maybe that's what fuelled some of the rather blunt comments. I hope so. Otherwise there are a whole lot of people who just can't put themselves in someone else's shoes and enjoy kicking elderly relatives out on the street!
But as you say, probably the best thing that your family are now helping and realise how much it's been for you. Good luck.

[billy1966]

Thank goodness that you are getting support.

Wishing you well OP 💐 and continued support.

[SandyY2K]

I'd tell her to leave. She can go where she wants, but not with me.

It's the total lack of gratitude and appreciation that would do it for me.

[Tamokilt]

It was good in one way to see the indignation of some posters on your behalf. But the posts were also OTT and relentless - little reference to other posters or general anger of thread or even noticing if you were still there - no wonder you felt overwhelmed, even “attacked”.

I hope you are feeling better, OP. Sounds like things in hand anyway.

I think your original post possibly a reminder of how awful mothers can behave sometimes .

[Apolloanddaphne]

Why so passive aggressive @othervoicesotherrooms?

OP - anyone is within their rights to not return to a thread they started no matter what the topic. Please don't feel bad. It has all been very overwhelming for you. I am glad you went to seek help and I hope you get a good resolution now.

[othervoicesotherrooms]

.

[Mandarinfish]

OP I totally understand why you felt that way. The first time I was mildly flamed on an AIBU post (under a different username) I was astonished by how overwhelming I found the criticism from strangers.

Sounds like a good outcome though. At least your mum has had to see sense. Good luck with it all

[AutumnRose1]

no need to apologise for not returning.

I'm glad you have some help and a chance to step back from the situation.

All good wishes to you

[Kit19]

Oh that’s brilliant @needtonamechange1000 I completely understand how overwhelming it must have been to see the replies - even when you ‘know’ it’s still hard to read

Delighted you’re getting help and hope this is the start of everything being much better xxx

[Beamur]

OP. Sounds like progress of a kind. Whilst it sounds like you've had a very stressful few days, maybe your voice will be heard now.

[whyamidoingthis]

@needtonamechange1000 - you don't have anything to apologise for. Your reaction was perfectly normal and the majority of decent people know that. The people who were rude are the ones who see your situation as entertainment and are demanding updates.

I'm glad you have made progress with your mother and that you are getting help. I really hope you get the help you need on an ongoing basis and that your mother starts to appreciate what you are doing for her. Unfortunately, some people take those who do most for them for granted.

[Supersimkin2]

Darling OP you need all the support you can get and more at the moment. People here are entirely on your side, but as you can tell, it can come out in some terrific indignation levels on your behalf.

What you have to tackle looks pretty daunting at first even to strangers on the internet. So take it easy, and remember it's do-able, if you go step by step.

You already have taken the first and biggest step, so bloody well done, you have guts in places most people don't even have places.

Take it gently on yourself, love. Very gently.