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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sibling, elderly mother and money

316 replies

needtonamechange1000 · 27/01/2020 15:40

I really need some perspective but will try to keep this brief.

My elderly mother has had a life changing/limiting illness and the outcome has been that she has moved in with us (dh and 2 young dc).
This is far from ideal as she needs a lot of care but she has adamantly refused to go into a nursing home and also refuses carers. My dh and I are doing it all. It has brought a huge amount of strain and I'm on my knees with exhaustion so my perspective isn't what it might be.

My (v unsupportive) sibling lives with wife and two dc overseas. He and I do not get along and he doesn't get along with my mother (with some justification) but she understandably is desperate to be closer to him and his dc. For context my sil hasn't spoken to her for over two years. Long story short dm has sold her house as realistically she will never be able to live independently again and given the entire proceeds to my brother. I have only just discovered this. She knows we are financially struggling but says she has faith I will somehow manage. I am trying my hardest not to be resentful but failing miserably. Earlier in the year she promised money towards a car for me as I take her to all appointments. This is no longer possible for above reasons.

I totally accept she can do what she likes with her own money but still...

OP posts:

MadisonMontgomery · 27/01/2020 16:53

Wow. I would be telling her that you cannot provide the care that she needs any more, and that she needs to move into a care home or similar - give her a deadline of four weeks.

Josette77 · 27/01/2020 16:55

She moves in with him. you can't afford her, he can.

Grandmi · 27/01/2020 16:57

Crikey so you caring for your mother,saving 1000s a month in care fees so your brother can spend her money!! Would insist she goes into a home and SS will recoup the money from your brother!!

Henlie · 27/01/2020 16:57

I hope she never has to rely on state benefits of any sort - that action could be construed as 'deprivation of assets'. Basically, she could be treated as still being in possession of the proceeds from the sale and may not be entitled to anything.

Actually what will happen if your DM needs to go into a care home (which she may do if you can’t cope with her at yours) is that the local authorities will go after your DB for the money (I’m guessing she gave this money less than seven years ago to him Op?). There will be a paper trail from the sale of the house to her bank account and then to his. Op - was this quite a large sum she gave him?

Local Authorities are really on the ball with this kind of stuff, and will seek to get the money back if they think deprivation of assets has occurred. I hope he’s not spent it.....

artisanparsnips · 27/01/2020 17:02

Jesus, I have read many bad things about elderly parents and golden children and all sorts and my own family are all insane in their various unpleasant ways but this takes the biscuit, and then some.

You don't owe her anything now, so tell her - and social services that you are not going to care for her any more.

And then spend some of that time and money in getting yourself some counselling. Firstly because the look on a counsellor's face when you first tell them that story will be worth the hour's cost alone. But also to help you get a sense of perspective and self-belief. Just because your mother and brother don't value you, it doesn't mean that you have to believe them.

Scotmummy1216 · 27/01/2020 17:02

I would ask her to move out and go and live with your sibling

FabbyChix · 27/01/2020 17:02

Sorry but she is just taking the piss out of you. You can’t live like this you risk your marriage. Put her in a home

damnthatanxiety · 27/01/2020 17:04

I'm so angry on your behalf OP. You are NOT being grabby or only in it for the money and don't you dare let anyone suggest that you are. This scenario is just SHIT and your DB is shit for creating it. Your DM is weak and cruel for doing this. You are the only sane one in this. You need to get your DM into a care home asap and allow the authorities to pursue the money back. Don't let them blame you. They did this to themselves.

Straycatstrut · 27/01/2020 17:05

Hang on so your brother... he's just gone "cheers mum" and accepted it?! No word to you or anything?

forestdweller11 · 27/01/2020 17:05

I have no words. I am totally shocked. She has shown her true loyalties and is taking you and your family totally for granted. You need to call a halt and stop caring for her. It can only get more demanding.
Kind thoughts to you at what must be a truly difficult time for you. How you begin to process it all and move forward I don't know.

cornstarch · 27/01/2020 17:07

Your mother is a massive bitch

Cornishclio · 27/01/2020 17:07

I think that is appalling firstly to treat you and your DB so differently and then not to use the money to make your life easier when you are the one who has opened your home to her and are doing the caring. I would struggle to continue living with her to be honest. Also giving away her money when she may need to go into a care home is what they call deprivation of assets and if she has to go into council funded social care they will ask for it back.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/01/2020 17:07

Jesus fuck. She has to go.

Tell her you are no longer able to care for her, she is going to have to go into supported living and the money for hte house will be claimed back from your brother - she will be deemed to have got rid of assets.

She could live on for years, it's hard at the best of times but under these circumstances it will destroy you and destroy your marriage too possibly.

No way could I continue to sacrifice so much for someone who could do that to me, and who could be so pathetically blinkered and show such pointless favouritism.

She's simply not worth it.

seltaeb · 27/01/2020 17:08

In your position I would consider arranging a SS assessment to establish her care needs formally and then either arrange for SS funded carers or ask SS to find a home they are prepared to fund. You cannot ruin your own health and family life for her and her actions (in not offering you any financial support but giving all her money away) have consequences. Do not take her to any more appointments and tell her why. But make sure your DH is on your side as obviously your DM will be upset.

RatherBeRiding · 27/01/2020 17:09

I have to agree with all of the above. She cannot continue to live with you, and off you, while making absolutely no financial input into the household and refusing carers to boot.

Regardless of the life limiting illness, she has made her choice. I would contact social services and explain that you are no longer able to have your mother living with you and ask for advice about how she can pay for her own care. If she can - deprivation of assets might well mean that the gift of money to your DB has, somehow, got to be clawed back.

In the meantime the local authority might look at placing her in any care home which will accept local authority rates - ie she will have little choice about where she ends up.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 27/01/2020 17:09

Wtf I'd be so so hurt. It's her money and she can do what she likes but it's your house and your life and you can do what you like as well.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 27/01/2020 17:09

This is one of the cruellest things I have read on here, and that’s saying something.

You’ve had some great advice. Are you going to act on it?

FizzyGreenWater · 27/01/2020 17:10

It will absolutely be deprivation of assets too, so on a practical note I'd actually be telling her the money needs to come back anyway or the second she has to come to the attention of social services (later if you decide to continue to let her treat you like such shit and you hold out until she actually needs residential care, sooner if you have any gumption) - she and your brother are going to be done for fraud. Tell her that.

SarahMused · 27/01/2020 17:10

I think you need to speak to your brother and tell him that you are unable to care for your mum anymore and she will have to go into a care home. Explain that legally he is now responsible for paying for it or he needs to return the money to your mum so she can pay. Age UK have some simple to understand information that explain the legal position that he should read.

Sarahandco · 27/01/2020 17:11

I think you should get in touch with your brother and explain that he has to return the money to your mother. That she gave it to him to try and buy his affection, but that by him accepting it, he has left her very vulnerable and that she will need it for her future care.

I would stress to him that you do not want the money for yourself but that at some point carers will need to be paid for and that she will not be eligible for benefits if she has given the money away.

I think it is sad if she has tried to buy his affection, maybe explain to her that she needs the money for various things and that she needs to work with you to get the money back. I would tell you brother how sad it is that she has tried to buy his affection and what is he intending to do?

TwoHeadedYellowBelliedHoleDig · 27/01/2020 17:12

So your brother earns more than you. Indeed, you are struggling.

He does not and will never care for her. You have been, and you are struggling and she is refusing carers.

She'd either be on a plane to his, or more realistically having words with a social worker about how she's going to afford her care home fees now she's given all her money away.

Don't be a mug. It's not about the money - she's watching you struggle and suffer and isn't willing to alleviate that, at all.

JingsMahBucket · 27/01/2020 17:12

I audibly gasped when I read this @needtonamechange1000. Your mother needs to go. She’s abusing you.

onalongsabbatical · 27/01/2020 17:12

If my dm did that she’d be on the first plane to my brothers house. Exactly what I was thinking. Find your rage OP, because you are being treated like the lowly person who can safely be trodden on.

BumbleBeee69 · 27/01/2020 17:13

I would definitely be telling you that she has to go, either to your brother or to some form of supported living/care environment

THIS

dorisdog · 27/01/2020 17:14

Your mum and brother are behaving appallingly. Don't put up with it. Any repercussions will not be your fault either. They've caused this by texting you like shit. Family is a choice, not a duty.

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