Sibling, elderly mother and money

[needtonamechange1000]

I really need some perspective but will try to keep this brief.

My elderly mother has had a life changing/limiting illness and the outcome has been that she has moved in with us (dh and 2 young dc).
This is far from ideal as she needs a lot of care but she has adamantly refused to go into a nursing home and also refuses carers. My dh and I are doing it all. It has brought a huge amount of strain and I'm on my knees with exhaustion so my perspective isn't what it might be.

My (v unsupportive) sibling lives with wife and two dc overseas. He and I do not get along and he doesn't get along with my mother (with some justification) but she understandably is desperate to be closer to him and his dc. For context my sil hasn't spoken to her for over two years. Long story short dm has sold her house as realistically she will never be able to live independently again and given the entire proceeds to my brother. I have only just discovered this. She knows we are financially struggling but says she has faith I will somehow manage. I am trying my hardest not to be resentful but failing miserably. Earlier in the year she promised money towards a car for me as I take her to all appointments. This is no longer possible for above reasons.

I totally accept she can do what she likes with her own money but still...

[Mrsmadevans]

Call SS & get her into a home asap. You have been taken for a mug .

[Musti]

She's toxic and I bet has a history of abusing you in some shape or another. I would kick her out and let your brother pat for her care. You have to prioritise your kids and husband and yourself not an undeserving woman who has just done this to you.

[Mix56]

I would tell DB, you are washing your hands of the whole shebang.
He is in possession of all her wealth, he takes over.
You can't afford it, & you are on your knees.
Time for Golden Boy to man up

[saraclara]

I sometimes think I should give my kids all my savings now. It terrifies me that as I age further, I could turn into someone who does something like this.

[Womenwotlunch]

Op, you are a better person than me.
If she was my mother, she would be in a home.
Un fucking believable

[AutumnRose1]

this is disgraceful OP, I'm shocked.

I know it's easy to say "make her go" but really, you have to. Your life will be ruined otherwise. Forewarn your brother because he will need to pay the care fees.

Contact Adult Social Care in your area. Explain that you are breaking under the strain.

I'm so sorry your mother has betrayed you like this.

[StrongTea]

Very unfair and upsetting.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

You are far from being a monster. This is inexcusable.
My grandmother did something very similar and my parents didn't speak to my uncle for a decade. It caused a huge strain on my parents relationship as my mother just sucked it up, and by extension my father. She lived with us for 15 yrs becoming increasingly frail.

[JKScot4]

Good God, that’s shocking, your DM and DB are disgusting. She never sees or speaks to him but hands him all her £££ whilst you struggle. I’d be pointing her to the door!
And if she needed benefits she cannot claim HB for 5 years as she’s deprived herself of assets, I know someone that’s done this, beyond stupid.

[SunsetBoulevard3]

If it were me I 'm afraid I would arrange your mother's travel to your brother and tell him from now on he has responsibility for her. You don't need to make yourself ill looking after a woman who has screwed you over. Or a brother who is only interested in himself.

[Juniper45]

Call Social Services. Let your brother know.

[Christmaspug]

Your being walked over ,either she gives you the money for her care ,asks the brother for it back ,or she moves out

[RubysRoo]

Your brother is a user and should be ashamed tbh. Your Mum's judgment is questionable too but I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt as she isn't well. I would definitely report the assets being given away prior to needing care. Sadly I doubt your brother will give a £1 coin back and as he lives overseas your Mum has really really made a terrible decision.

I also think, while it isn't about money, you need to be done with this situation and she needs to go into care. At the end of the day it is her doing and she could have used the money to get herself good care.

[Beamur]

I would be furious. You must be a bloody Saint!
I'd agree that you probably need some advice about the liability your brother and mother have created with that insane gift if she needs care.
It's all well and good her refusing care but what if you refuse to care for her anymore? You don't have to do this.
Do you have power of attorney? Sorry if you've already said so, I haven't read the full thread.
Maybe Age UK would be a good place to start for some information.
You could well be entitled to some financial help.
I'm utterly gobsmacked that she expects you to care for her and yet gifted all her assets to her son. If she is mentally sound that's actually very cruel.

[ukgift2016]

I would be absolutely furious.

[saraclara]

Do you have any other family in contact with your brother? Someone ever so slightly removed who can tear him a new one and tell him that if he doesn't return at least half of the money, he surely can't live with himself? (Never mind what might happen legally)

[diddl]

",either she gives you the money for her care ,asks the brother for it back ,or she moves out"

Or she moves out as Op no longer wants/is able to care for her?

They have tried it & it isn't working.

Surely it was always understood that it might not be forever?

[Charley50]

Your mum is an idiot. You've had lots of good advice, just adding to the advice of apply for attendance allowance and pay for Carers with that, whether she likes it or not. While waiting for a place in a care home.
Her pension can pay for taxis. She didn't even buy you a car that would help both your family and her.

[Ihavenoidewhatsgoingon]

That is awful for you OP

You really need to put yourself and your family first - your mother and brother are and not caring in the slightest about you.

[unlikelytobe]

I'm curious as to whether there's a cultural element to this. Your brother lives abroad and is the 'golden child' despite poor relations with your mother. Is your mother of a background where sons are revered and daughters treated like dirt? Is your mother old?

Don't put up with this shit!

[olivehater]

Jesus Christ if my mum has done that to me then expected me to foot the bill of looking after her I would have chucked her out and then told the tax man about her gifting the money. Horrendous. She is going to ruin your life! Put yourself first.

[SidneyPrescott]

Jesus fucking Christ. This is outrageous.

[Twillow]

@cabbageking carers are definitely means tested. My mother had to pay over £2000 a month for her care at home.

[CousinKrispy]

I am so sorry, OP. I don't think you are being greedy or unreasonable at all. It's not about the money, it's the disrespect toward you and how hurt you must feel.

What does your DH think of all this?

I applaud you for being willing to do so much for your mum, but it is OK for you to not drive yourself to exhaustion, regardless of the money aspect. It is OK for you to put on your own oxygen mask first.

You will be more helpful to her if you aren't exhausted. You can still be a loving, caring daughter and still help take care of her without her living with you, and without you and your DH having to be her 24/7 carers (and be taken advantage of to boot by receiving no financial assistance from her, when she could have given it). You don't have to sacrifice yourself this way.

I would suggest that you don't bother trying to address the money thing with your mother. If she is using it to manipulate your brother, she already doesn't care that it's unfair to you. That's a lost cause.

Don't bring the money up to her as a reason. Just tell her that you and your family can't keep providing care for her anymore. When she questions or tantrums or criticizes, just keep saying "Yes, it's very sad that we can't keep caring for you. But we just can't do it. Here are your other options. If you don't make a choice by the end of the month we will initiate X for you."

[whataboutbob]

OP if you are still reading- I used to spend a lot of time on the elderly parents thread because I was managing my dad for 5 years, he had dementia. Like you I was soon on my knees and had to go into counselling for 18 months and took 6 months unpaid leave from work to cope. Anyway, a recurrent theme on the EPs board was the favouritism of a parent, often towards the child not doing/ not expected to do the caring. That would usually be the brother, with the sister doing the caring. Most marked when the EP is a mother. It I think your mother really wins the sex discrimination towards my kids award. I’ve never heard of such a blatant case and I haven’t read all the posts but I’d wonder whether he’s been “ grooming” her to get the money.
As for caring for her, I strongly feel it’s often those who have least to feel guilty about who feel it the most. If she needs care, this could be seen as deprivation of assets and I wonder whether SS could claw some of that money back.