I'm in such pain

[NeverGotMyPuppy]

I just dont know what to do.
DH and I have been married for 10 years. All mostly happy. We have a 16 month old DS.
DH has always been argumentative - I often feel I have to replay conversations to 'prove' my point. I've often said I could do with CCTV and feel like I'm often on trial. He gets obsessed over the minutiae of arguments and i feel like we have an argument within an argument within an argument IYSWIM.

He has got worse recently. He is utterly defensive and sees so much as criticism - it blinds him to everything else. I'm finding myself utterly exhausted living with him. Today as an example:

DH gets DS ready for childminder. I say - perfectly nicely 'r those the trousers he was wearing yesterday? If so they r dirty'. DH asks 'really - where?' I tell him. He repeats the question in 2 other ways, disbelieving that they are dirty. I say 'honestly, I had to brush the food off them to get him in the carseat last night'. DH asks me to show him. DS isnt fond of staying still. DH says a little bit of a mark isnt important so he wont change him.
So I go and change him. I show DH the old leggings 'oh, I didn't see that'.

The day before he spent 20 minutes arguing why DS's toyboy was a perfectly sensible place to leave his toothbrush - 'it's a flat surface' when I pointed out that it makes my life quite difficult when he doesnt put it back in the bathroom as I have to search around to clean DS's teeth.

I know it sounds like a tiny thing. But this is most days of my life. I'm utterly exhausted by it.

What do I do. Im so sad and i feel so alone. Am I going mad? Am i in the wrong here?

Choose your battles as they say. In the scheme of things. Neither are important in the grander scheme of things. Let it go. For a quiet life

If you could try to let these things go you would probably feel happier. It’s hard I know. Everyone gets on my nerves too.

So what- I dont ask him to change the leggings? Or just change them myself?

Don’t worry about the leggings.

So he goes to the CM with food all down his leg?!

What is the bug bear?

That hes not respecting your viewpoint, making you feel like what's important to you is not important to him or is it about the leggins?

I have a feeling that it isnt about the leggins.....

Everything is a battle. I dont understand why everything to him is a debate. He just cant accept anything.
Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just losing it.

Well it’s just that the messy leggings are probably less important than the discomfort you’re feeling about arguing. I do understand. I feel I spend a lot of time nagging everyone and my points and opinions are what I focus on. When it’s another person- you in this case- it’s so much easier to see a bigger picture and say- who cares if the leggings are a bit dirty?

Well break that feeling down?

What is that? Loss of control, not being listened to, feeling like you have no say?

Just keep breaking it down until you get to the crux. If they're important to you, then it's important to you.

If it was all down his leg surely it would have been obvious and you wouldn’t have had to point it out to him.

I’m not sure you’re in so much pain. The dynamic in your relationship sounds stressful but the examples you gone sound you nit picking and him feeling harangued and like he can’t do anything right. I couldn’t get worked up about either thing, dirty clothes go straight in the basket or washing machine so they wouldn’t be used again till clean and you can’t really be spending that much time looking for a tooth brush...

You should be able to say something as simple as the trousers are dirty without a court case on it. Ridiculous behaviour and I disagree with just letting it go. If you want your child in clean clothes that really isn't much to ask

I do think they're are underlying issues or built up unspoken resentments here though.... ?

Yes this is a pattern. I just feel like we should be on a team. And I feel like we arent. I feel so embattled because every little thing turns into a row.

@AnneLovesGilbert. DH kept the leggings back from yesterday. I can send you a pic to prove how dirty they were, if it helps you. Are u my DH?

If he is doing this about things that you know he really doesn’t give that much of a shit about then he is doing it just to fuck with your head and that is very not cool. Why make family life more of a battle ground that it already can be? Does he have form for playing with your head and being a dick? The leggings thing doesn’t seem that big of a deal as a one off, and the toothbrush thing is annoying but still not huge BUT this seems to run deeper than the issues that are being raised. I mean in some ways it could be some seriously clever manipulative abusive crap. Each issue is never enough to raise any huge flags but being constantly undermined day in day out is definitely abuse.

I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind. Conversation about conversation about conversation.

He also gets so easily irritated. Spilling something is 'for fucks sake'. Simple tasks lead to me having to take over. Car seats, putting stuff up - it's just exhausting.

I think I know what you mean. You state a neutral fact and DH takes it as a challenge, a criticism or a veiled complaint. He then argues the other point, even when there's no gain or loss to either of you.

My DP does this sometimes and it's wearing. Then of course you match his arsiness with arsiness of your own and next thing you're whispering 'twat' when he leaves the room.

Pointless waste of energy.

Yep. Except I'm way past the whispering stage. Its everyday sometimes.

No, I’m not your husband. I just couldn’t get excited about either of your two examples.

It sounds like you’re both unhappy which is bad for you and an unpleasant atmosphere for your child. You could look into marriage counselling as a way of airing the issues between you and trying to improve how you communicate.

Well thank you very much for a) disbelieving me based on nothing and b) telling me how I feel. Very helpful.

Meh, let him go in the dirty trousers. Not a big deal.

I know it sounds obvious but have you actually sat down and discussed what you are both wanting? Maybe he feels you nag him. Or maybe you do seem unreasonably concerned about stuff that doesn’t really matter. I agree about digging down and down. What are the actual emotions at play here? What do you want the relationship to look like and how can you both work towards that? What changes can you make- each. Talk! Listen and talk.

@nevergotmypuppy I’m going to go against the grain here. Those two examples would annoy me greatly.

You just want him to say ‘oh ok. I’ll change him’ or ‘oh I didn’t notice. Do you mind if I don’t change him?’ rather than being argumentative. Also why wouldn’t you want his toothbrush in the bathroom. I wouldn’t want to be searching for it after it’s fallen off the toy box every time he needs his teeth brushing.

Has he been like this since you met him... are you going through any other problems at the moment?

Maybe he’s worried about something and being deliberately argumentative?!

Either way, he’s being difficult.

OP are you finding other people irritating too at the moment?
I believe you that DH is irritating, but for background is he not pulling his weight and at the same time you are highly stressed so communication is breaking down?

I'm thinking maybe separate practical jobs for DS, rather than you both doing the same ones and disagreeing?

You seem to be getting a bit of a hard time here, op.

The tiny things accumulate.

To be fair, I wouldn't let my DC go to the childminder's in dirty clothes
Things, like the toothbrush, being put away in their correct place is just a mix of courtesy and common sense

Solutions - possibly - have you tried the icy cold stare when he argues? Refuse to engage with arguments, if at all possible?
I'm not saying it'll be easy though

OP, I believe you.

It is like constantly being under attack from someone who is supposed to love and protect you.

Can you pinpoint why it could have got worse. Caring for a toddler will put a strain on any marriage.

The hope is this is temporary and the usual ups and downs of a marriage. However, if this is the rest of your marriage, I personally would consider leaving him and start making plans whilst trying to make him change his ways. Does the thought of leaving him make you feel better?