I'm in such pain

[NeverGotMyPuppy]

I just dont know what to do.
DH and I have been married for 10 years. All mostly happy. We have a 16 month old DS.
DH has always been argumentative - I often feel I have to replay conversations to 'prove' my point. I've often said I could do with CCTV and feel like I'm often on trial. He gets obsessed over the minutiae of arguments and i feel like we have an argument within an argument within an argument IYSWIM.

He has got worse recently. He is utterly defensive and sees so much as criticism - it blinds him to everything else. I'm finding myself utterly exhausted living with him. Today as an example:

DH gets DS ready for childminder. I say - perfectly nicely 'r those the trousers he was wearing yesterday? If so they r dirty'. DH asks 'really - where?' I tell him. He repeats the question in 2 other ways, disbelieving that they are dirty. I say 'honestly, I had to brush the food off them to get him in the carseat last night'. DH asks me to show him. DS isnt fond of staying still. DH says a little bit of a mark isnt important so he wont change him.
So I go and change him. I show DH the old leggings 'oh, I didn't see that'.

The day before he spent 20 minutes arguing why DS's toyboy was a perfectly sensible place to leave his toothbrush - 'it's a flat surface' when I pointed out that it makes my life quite difficult when he doesnt put it back in the bathroom as I have to search around to clean DS's teeth.

I know it sounds like a tiny thing. But this is most days of my life. I'm utterly exhausted by it.

What do I do. Im so sad and i feel so alone. Am I going mad? Am i in the wrong here?

If the leggins were dirty, they should have been in the laundry basket or wherever else you put dirty clothes.

On the general arguments, I can relate somewhat. I remember saying I wish I had a dictaphone to record conversations.

Now, I don't or I try not to engage. I've taken to changing the topic, them leaving the room.

My DH tends to think he's always right, but he is this way with everyone and I often stop the argument by telling him he's wrong and strong.

People tend to put up defences when they are constantly criticised for not doing something the way the other person does things.

If you feel you don’t criticise everything he does and he’s doing things purposely to irritate you then you can either have couples therapy or end the relationship.

Thanks everyone. He has had some counselling for the defensiveness as it became a real problem (like when he accidentally knoked a toilet brush holder with bleach in over DS and didnt check him properly, told me.he was fine and then i check and find his whole vest covered in bleach. Again he needed me to show him this to prove it).

But this feels new - the almost constant arguing over tiny things. Ir does seem to coincide with phases where he does lots of silly things (another example- 2 says ago - DS has bottle of Oilatum and worked out how to open it. DH puts his cup of hot tea on the floor in front of DS so he can get the oilarum off DS. Obviously DS then just plunges his hands into the tea and knocks the whole cup over.

DH has sometimes said 'i dont feel like I can do anything right' - but i'm struggling and I have often said 'at the moment i dont feel you can either!'

DH wants to be left alone and not criticised. I want to feel like we are a team and I dont have to constantly coach someone about a) basic safety and hygiene and b) why something was an argument.

It's just everyday. And I never know what's going to trigger it. I feel like I'm treading on eggshells all the time to not upset him bt ffs he is an adult. I dont feel like I'm asking for outrageous stuff here.

We'e talked til we r blue in the face. Weve done so many 'sets talk about went wrong' it just happens again and again.

Thank u for the advice, and to the posters who believe me.

I should also add- no he is only like this eith me.

The thought of leaving him saddens me. It wasnt supposed to be like this. But I'm tired of being the bad guy and I'm tired of trying to reason with him all the time.

He's a basic common or garden dickhead OP. They're ten a penny.

Leave him. This is who and what he is. You can't change him and why would you? He's perfect for some other complete dickhead as he is.

You are a far superior being than him in every way. You are more intelligent, you have emotional intelligence and common sense. Leave him and watch him make the same mistakes over and over with other women find someone more like yourself. This will be a lifelong battle and you are exhausted now. Why would you do that to yourself and your nipper?

Well I guess I can count on MN to give me a variety of views!

Living with him must be like trying to push water up a hill - I am not surprised you are utterly exhausted.

WIth his past performances you must be wondering what his next stupid trick is going to be.
He's a very ignorant man.

It really is.

Thank you.

Also just to add to the 'they can't have been that dirty'- DH admitted they were 'far too dirty to wear' once I had shown them to him.

Gosh some of these comments, calling him ignorant, stupid, that you're more superior

Op, I think it sounds like you're both frustrated. He doesn't do things right or the way you wish, it frustrates you. He is on the defensive, and feels like it doesn't matter what he does, he's attacked for it. Both of you are unhappy.

It's a communication issue, possibly coupled with some stress. If you don't wish to end your marriage, and I don't think uou do. Then you both need to try to stop your reactions.

So for example the leggings,

"Shit those leggings have food down them, thought they were in the wash basket, give him here I'll change him"

"God sorry I didn't realise"

Right now you're both taking the little things and blowing them up, neither letting it go, neither stepping back. You both need to agree to try to recognise when it's happening and adjust your behaviour accordingly.

Make a pact that today, you'll both pull back, and then make the same pact tomorrow and take it one day at a time, until both of your new behaviour becomes habit.

I can kinda relate to this a bit, I think. The examples you've given are relatively minor but I imagine it's the cumulative effect. I have a similar situation but I know that I'm a perfectionist and that sometimes I need to but my husband some slack. Still annoys me when he doesn't put things back where they should be or if he does something which I think is unsafe. I feel like I'm parenting him, which I don't want to do. What is your husband like generally aside from this? Does he have a stressful job? Is he tidy/ organised generally?

Thanks Bluntness.

We are really trying. And I do encourage him to step back. This morning he is saying 'I dont know why I coudlnt just trust your judgement and change them'.

But he has these reflections every. single. time. Nothing changes. I'm in Groundhog Day.

@HotGlueGun he is a barrister. He has DEFINITELY got worse since he trained.

I really feel for you. To me it sounds like he has to be always right. That his automatic response is you're wrong.
Reflecting back is all well and good if you learn from it.
May be he needs to revisit counselling.
He is making life unbearable.

Yes he is. I broke down at work yesterday. I'm so exhausted and its eroding my feelings for him. When it's good it's good but he then just ruins it

He’s a barrister?! So he used to always arguing the other side of the argument! He’s bringing his work home with him and he needs to stop it, today!

Could u come round and tell him that please? I've tried. A therapist has tried.

OP, tbh, and with all due respect, you biting AnneLovesGlbert's head off upthread does make me wonder a bit if this is really as one sided as you depict it. It sounds as if you both turn things into much bigger things than they need be and than a busy life with children can healthily sustain. You shouldn't still be having a post mortem about this the net day. And I'm not keen on the note of abject self criticism in his 'I dont know why I coudlnt just trust your judgement and change them'.

I'm not saying things aren't as you say they are, but from the instances you have told us about, it's impossible to apportion 'fault' here, and I get the sense that is what you want from the thread.

As you're making no progress talking about it, counselling, I think, is a good idea.

@cattestreet - how did I bite their head off? I've been told by a stranger that I'm lying - that's quite frustrating.

I'm not suggesting it's all him. As u will see in my OP I've been very clear- this is clearly a breakdown in communication somewhere. I havent asked anyone to blame him, I'm trying to get an outside perspective before I lose my mind.

I initially thought you had a gas lighting control freak... But reading on I think it's a combination of

1. Children of that age are utterly exhausting. For both parents. Give yourselves a break, a bit of dirt on clothes is not the end of the world, and definitely not arguing over

1. You need to reset. You're both trying to be heard / not feel under pressure from your OH. Usually there's something else behind the scenes, is DH under increasing stress at work too?

Unlike so many threads, when it's obvious OP has a controlling cocklodger, I don't think this is the case. You need a weekend away, without the baby. You need to find time to remember why you like each other, and remind yourselves that this stage of intensive mind numbingly hard parenting is going to get easier very soon.

Remind each other that you love each other, and you won't let unimportant things change that into an everyday battle. Good luck

if he has received counselling, therapy and nothing has worked, and this is happening every day, why don’t you want to leave him?

Do you actually think he can change? Why are you staying with someone who makes you unhappy?

It all sounds pretty exhausting. I’m sure the two examples you gave were probably the last straw.

It sounds like you like things to be done your way, and I'm guessing your husband is feeling like he can't do anything right.

AnneLoveGilbert didn't say you lied. I can't help feeling you're projecting the defensiveness you feel forced into, for whatever reason, onto her.

There is definitely something up when you are having long inquiries into children's dirty leggings. Have you done counselling/couples therapy together?

From another perspective...my husband criticises me constantly. I don't do things the way he thinks they should be done, I don't put things where he wants them (even when I use the item more than him and it's more convenient for me to have it where I put it). I don't talk the way he wants me to...it goes on and on.

I'm defensive, you tend to get that way after a while. I'm defensive everywhere, I'm so full up with criticism that another drop won't fit in. It's got to the point where I am bloody waiting for it and already cross.

I'm quite clumsy, not hugely practical, not hugely logical sometimes but that's me. It sucks to be getting "pulled up" on things the entire time. I hang on for dear life to the fact that other areas of my life actually run quite smoothly.

I know this isn't you...but do you think your H might be feeling a minute bit of this.

You both sound irritated with each other.

It does sound like he's completely out of his depth with the minutiae of parenting - almost as if he can't cope with it and doesn't know what to do.

Perhaps he realises he's a bit crap at it and feels watched/under attack so therefore goes on the defensive.

This kind of bickering is exhausting and imho often worse than the occasional big row.

I hope you can both sort it. It sounds utterly draining.