I'm in such pain

[NeverGotMyPuppy]

I just dont know what to do.
DH and I have been married for 10 years. All mostly happy. We have a 16 month old DS.
DH has always been argumentative - I often feel I have to replay conversations to 'prove' my point. I've often said I could do with CCTV and feel like I'm often on trial. He gets obsessed over the minutiae of arguments and i feel like we have an argument within an argument within an argument IYSWIM.

He has got worse recently. He is utterly defensive and sees so much as criticism - it blinds him to everything else. I'm finding myself utterly exhausted living with him. Today as an example:

DH gets DS ready for childminder. I say - perfectly nicely 'r those the trousers he was wearing yesterday? If so they r dirty'. DH asks 'really - where?' I tell him. He repeats the question in 2 other ways, disbelieving that they are dirty. I say 'honestly, I had to brush the food off them to get him in the carseat last night'. DH asks me to show him. DS isnt fond of staying still. DH says a little bit of a mark isnt important so he wont change him.
So I go and change him. I show DH the old leggings 'oh, I didn't see that'.

The day before he spent 20 minutes arguing why DS's toyboy was a perfectly sensible place to leave his toothbrush - 'it's a flat surface' when I pointed out that it makes my life quite difficult when he doesnt put it back in the bathroom as I have to search around to clean DS's teeth.

I know it sounds like a tiny thing. But this is most days of my life. I'm utterly exhausted by it.

What do I do. Im so sad and i feel so alone. Am I going mad? Am i in the wrong here?

OP would you be happy for your DH to take over childcare whilst you had some free time outside the home for a full day?

That's a hard question to answer. Partly delighted. But partly I couldnt relax. Because if something did happen his automatic response to be defensive might stop DS being safe.

Do you, fundamentally, trust him to be a good enough dad, in terms of looking out for and keeping your (both your) son safe?

It reads as though you don't. And he will feel that judgement and want to justify/defend/wriggle out of, that picture of himself.

You may think he is safe - so let him parent as he wants to, like you do when you're the hands on parent. But it seems to me that your issue might be not about the communication but about who is the "right" parent.

And that's what you might want to take to counselling.

Thank you @MayDayFightsBack. I'm not trying to be defensive, I'm trying to be open but things like 'well the toilet brush must not have been in a safe place in the first place' have left me somewhat confused.

@BuckingFrolics I honestly honestly accept that we will do things differently. I can live with that. Just as I live with him going to his childminder.

But I am concerned ehat DH makes mistakes but rather than see them is first reaction into assume everything is fine rather than check.

I could genuinely see DS breaking a bone or something and DH having no clue.

You've no need to be confused, @NeverGotMyPuppy you're right and they are wrong. The incidents you've related are ones when your baby was not cared for properly by its father. Everyone can make mistakes but strings of mistakes indicate something more worrying. I know that my DH would never do some of the things your DH has done and he would definitely not done all of them. It's not normal to leave a baby in the car, knock bleach all over it and then not remove the bleach-soaked clothing, leave hot tea on the floor near a baby or not be alert when the baby is playing with a cat. One of those things is a mistake, doing all four of them is irresponsible and shows a lack of care. You are right to be concerned and don't let other people tell you you aren't.

The arguing is just an added problem. Why can't he, as a grown man, look after his own child properly and keep it safe from harm?

So then what do I do? We split and he has DS alone and I'm fucked.

This was not how it was supposed to be.

I get asked 'why?' over every single thing I do. Every. Single. Thing. It is exhausting. I find myself saying something and stopping, then before he has even asked 'why?' which is what is coming next, I just carry on 'because.... blah blah' and he looks at me like I'm mad.
He also always has an answer for everything, even stuff he genuinely has absolutely no clue whatsoever about and always knows best.
I have started to just shut up and bite my tongue but it makes me look in front of others and feel inside like a complete moron.
I have only scan read this thread but wanted to add that. It is completely exhausting. You have my sympathy.

I know the word narcissist is overused these days but 'everything has to be a debate' .... to me is a big indicator you are dealing with a narcissist. They can never just let things be, they always have to 'win' in some way, so you have to lose. They create drama out of nothing to drain you and beat you down. Pointless arguments go round and round in circles. They 'never listen' and they use gaslighting to make you feel oversensitive/stupid ect...

If you are dealing with that there will be other signs. And you'd be wise to walk away.

Hi OP

Want to preface my response by saying I’m dont want to attack or blame you, just providing you with my opinion (as you are asking for other people’s opinions) in the hope it may be of some use to you.

Reading your OP, my first thought was that you are generally being too critical and nitpicking everything, and his extreme response of arguing is a reaction to this. He’s feeling he’s not good enough. Your words are hurting him and he’s reacting by fighting back (even though deep down he might agree with you). It hurts so he’s angry (at himself, at you, and also frustrated).

Then when I read this, it reinforced my initial thoughts:
“DH has sometimes said 'i dont feel like I can do anything right' - but i'm struggling and I have often said 'at the moment i dont feel you can either!'

DH wants to be left alone and not criticised. “

I’ve been in a similar situation with my dh when we had our first DS. In hindsight, I think I had some anxiety issues and felt so much pressure to make sure everything was done ‘properly’.

My suggestions would be to get that counselling, and take on board what your dh is saying. Stop nitpicking. Let things go. Honestly, it doesn’t matter if the leggings were filthy. What’s the worst that would happen?

You say you just want him to agree and change the leggings. He probably just wants you to let it go and not mention every little thing he’s doing ‘wrong’.

I absolutely am not saying this is your fault. I’m sure he has a lot to do with it. However, you can’t change him. You can only change your own behaviour. And trust me, if you can learn to let go of this type of stuff, you will be happier. And, I think he’ll listen more when it comes to the more important stuff (like checking if your ds properly after possible exposure to bleach).

He needs time to decompress from how he’s feeling. My guess is that he feels pretty shit about his ability as a parent.

I cant reply to everybody. But I'm reading everything.

I don't want to lose my family. My heart is breaking.

I'm sorry, I didn't want to make you feel worse or sadder. I don't know if I have the answers as to what you should do, I just wanted you to know that you are not wrong to be worried about the mistakes he's made because other people were trying to say you were.

You didn't. You backed me u when other posters have doubted my version of events or called me out on silly insignificant details or called me a bully. And I'm grateful to you.

But truthfully I'd rather they were right. And I dont think they are.

I’m sorry for asking that question.

My first thought was - if you split - is your child going to be safe in his care? That will be a huge cause of concern for you.

If you do choose to separate, I’m not sure how you would go about childcare without making him feel totally inadequate if he can’t be trusted to make things child proof.

Of course an odd accident may happen but not a catalog of events! .

Please dont apologise. It's an important question.

Honestly. I'm grateful.

Obviously big, significant decisions require a discussion but tell him you are not seeking agreement on every trivial decision/request. Could you say to him if it’s something trivial in the grand scheme like “could you get DS some clean leggings” would you just do it without questioning why I’ve decided he needs them? In my example, if my husband had decided to change the shower head, I know for sure I would have said something like “oh very good, saves cleaning the old one”. I really would not be that interested in why he’d decided to do it -I would have trusted that he had his reasons and if he’d said it’s not working properly because of x or y I would have just gone “oh ok”. The adult/child thing that was mentioned up thread makes sense. You are an adult - he needs to trust that you are a competent adult who has already gone through a thought process and come to a decision even about small issues like your son’s clothes for the day. You don’t have time in your life to explain the thinking behind every minor decision or action.

It seems like he doesn't think you're basically a competent human. How can you stay married?

You don't have to lose your family. This is fixable. Half the battle is getting someone to agree to counseling so you're on your way. You need a neutral party to help you both determine what's important, why it's bothering each
of you so much and how to move forward.

For now, maybe concentrate on safety. He needs to be more aware, obviously, but try not to stress so much over the big picture. Maybe even say that until y'all have started counseling, can you both please focus on keeping him safe without any arguments? Just to defuse the situation. And then definitely air it out at counseling.

As for safety, toddlers will really surprise you. They learn to do things before you catch them sometimes. Every time I used my face scrubber, it was wet when I picked it up. I kept accusing my husband of using it or wetting it down just to irritate me. Until the day I saw my 10-month-old standing in front of the open toilet, scrubbing away with it! Three things happened. I learned to put my (new) face scrubber away. My husband finally understood why I kept telling him to leave the seat down, and I had to apologize for my accusations. It's actually one of our favorite stories. 😉

Good luck and please use your sessions as your safe place to work through this. And enjoy this time; they're only little for such a short while!

I believe you
It's a form of gaslighting, causing you to question yourself-you are not mad or losing it.
He has control issues

Thank you x

This sounds exhausting for you.

It must be hard to not ever be able to relax or have downtime because you can't trust him to properly care for your child due to his somewhat reckless approach to stuff.

And going into "barrister mode" and arguing with you about everything is not on. Saying you're nagging him is a cop out too.

I sympathise and you are not losing your mind!

I'm in bed and the reality of everything has just hit me. I'm laying here with tears down my face.

My little boy. He deserved so so much better than this.

I'm so afraid.

A defensive partner is impossible to deal with and makes every single little thing feel like it's YOUR fault (because it's certainly not theirs)
Those who are posting 'pick your battles' obviously don't understand that the problem isn't that your child wore dirty leggings one day, it's that you feel unheard, disrespected, and unable to be in a team with the one person you need to be in a team with.
Why he's so defensive may be his issue alone, or due to your relationship with him.
I feel for you. A bit of counselling to find the crux of it might do wonders.

i don't know why everyone keeps saying pick your battles or they don't know what the fuss is about.
You have said you are in a lot of pain, that should be enough.
i had a husband who argued with every fucking thing I said and it wore me done bit by bit until I could no longer stand to be with him.
In the end it was a a relief when he left. I could wake up, embrace the day and not have every little thing I said picked to pieces.
It's so much better