I'm in such pain

[NeverGotMyPuppy]

I just dont know what to do.
DH and I have been married for 10 years. All mostly happy. We have a 16 month old DS.
DH has always been argumentative - I often feel I have to replay conversations to 'prove' my point. I've often said I could do with CCTV and feel like I'm often on trial. He gets obsessed over the minutiae of arguments and i feel like we have an argument within an argument within an argument IYSWIM.

He has got worse recently. He is utterly defensive and sees so much as criticism - it blinds him to everything else. I'm finding myself utterly exhausted living with him. Today as an example:

DH gets DS ready for childminder. I say - perfectly nicely 'r those the trousers he was wearing yesterday? If so they r dirty'. DH asks 'really - where?' I tell him. He repeats the question in 2 other ways, disbelieving that they are dirty. I say 'honestly, I had to brush the food off them to get him in the carseat last night'. DH asks me to show him. DS isnt fond of staying still. DH says a little bit of a mark isnt important so he wont change him.
So I go and change him. I show DH the old leggings 'oh, I didn't see that'.

The day before he spent 20 minutes arguing why DS's toyboy was a perfectly sensible place to leave his toothbrush - 'it's a flat surface' when I pointed out that it makes my life quite difficult when he doesnt put it back in the bathroom as I have to search around to clean DS's teeth.

I know it sounds like a tiny thing. But this is most days of my life. I'm utterly exhausted by it.

What do I do. Im so sad and i feel so alone. Am I going mad? Am i in the wrong here?

RoyalMail, surely the point is that DH is not taking care and not using forethought when he should do, also not recognising when harm may have occurred.
Wouldn't you immediately remove a child's vest and wash their skin, if bleach was spilt on them?
Wouldn't you automatically place a cup of hot tea out of the child's reach?

OP, it seems your DH isn't giving childcare his full attention. He's trying to do it on autopilot then getting defensive when that turns out not to be good enough.

Can he be persuaded to take responsibility for his own actions, rather than seeing you as an authority figure whom he resents?

I think Attila and AgentJohnson are probably right. My first thoughts were along very similar lines when I read I often feel I have to replay conversations to 'prove' my point. I've often said I could do with CCTV and feel like I'm often on trial.

Was he like this when you first met him? How were things before you had your son?

When you're in this sort of relationship pattern the options, to my mind, are:

To kow-tow and shut up, and live a miserable life and lose your sense of self and your voice.

Or, speak up, defend your position and try to get them to change their ways (usually a hiding to nothing). All whilst trying to maintain your own sanity, values and sense of worth. (I'm in this camp)

Both are mentally exhausting places to be. I'm not sure there's any happy middle-ground.

Live and let live, OP. Allow him to parent the way he wants to.

Dirty leggings are not important.

It means you will get heard over the toothbrush

Op... does he have any "down time"? Do you have any down time? Any opportunity to let off steam/ take a break/ pursue a hobby?

I think the barrister aspect is key. He needs to leave that persona firmly at work.

I totally get what you are saying OP. I went through the same when our DCs were little and in many ways it's still the same even now they are grown up.

Bringing up children and running a home is hard work and not only that, requires a certain amount of practical intelligence, strategising and actual knowledge that has to be acquired. I think if you are highly educated and male you are just not aware of this, home and childcare appears to be something menial and trivial that anybody can do and consequently anybody who mentions a way of doing things more efficiently or to a higher standard is 'controlling'.

I think in the past many men would just have deferred to their partners when a discussion of dirty leggings came up as he would consider that to be her area of expertise and would would have his own area of (superior) outside world,salary earning expertise. Nowadays we try to share these chores but many men have no idea they even exist let alone a concept there might be better/worse ways of doing them. This is of course nothing at all to do with any innate male/female ability but to do with culture.

It's hard. What I wanted was for my DH to just accept there were many things about children and home that I had thought through and not have to argue about it. There are so many things he does better and I wouldn't bother to argue about it. For example, he really is better at stacking the dishwasher and would not defend my own efforts or demand evidence of it.

It's your DH's behaviour that is unreasonable, not yours. Adult partners accept that some people are better at things than others and that is how a good team works.

@screamingladysutch

dirty leggings are not important!?

I wouldnt want any of my children going anywhere in dirty clothing and I’m not Mrs Bucket. (Bouquet).
The OP said those leggings are dirty.. a normal response would be:

Oh I didn’t see that there, I’ll go and change him or..

I haven’t got time, do you mind doing it quickly while I sort the car out? or ... if he’s a crabby husband ...

Nah, they’re fine

... to which the OP would say ... don’t dare take him out filthy and laugh together ...

It’s not even about the leggings per se, it’s how he responds.

It doesn’t appear to be about picking her battles if he’s like this with every small matter. The outcome is still the same.

Think how YOU would respond if your husband said the same to you ...

And another thing! People who are posting to loftily tell the OP that dirty leggings are not important don't get the point at all.

Bringing up children and running a home consists of a shit ton load of jobs which relentlessly carry on 24 hours a day (because you are on duty even at night), 7 days a week for a large chunk of your life. Each individual decision (eg whether to change leggings) is perhaps not important in comparison to the decisions taken by a barrister but it all adds up to a huge, important, essential job. Not only that, but there really is a certain amount of skill and knowledge required to do it well.

Anybody (including your DH) who tells you that these jobs are not important is not taking you or the role seriously. Ha ha ha silly woman being all controlling about leggings. Perhaps you need a spa break (head tilt) etc.

@Happityhap I would of course change and clean the child after bleach spilled and I would expect my DH to do the same. But I wasn’t there with the OP’s DH that day. If the child was not in distress and the stain was not immediately obvious I don’t think it’s the worst parenting in the world to make a judgment call in the other direction. It’s not like the bleach was in the child’s eyes and the child was screaming his head off. It sounds like the child was in fact fine. Likewise with the tea— yes as a rule one shouldn’t leave hot tea in reach of a toddler but if the OP’s DS put his hands in it wasn’t burned how hot could it really have been? (I guarantee OP would have mentioned if either of these incidents actually hurt her DS.)

My point is that if you co-parent you have to trust the other parent, or if you think it’s dangerous then keep him away entirely. Trust me I have had to learn to do this and it’s not easy. Now my kids are older I still think my DH lets them climb a bit too high in the playground and swim out a bit too far into the ocean, and yes he lets them wear dirty clothes! But that doesn’t mean he’s a bad parent, it means we have different interpretations of particular situations. If I thought he was really endangering them I would do anything in my power to keep him from being alone with them, as he would do if the roles were reversed. But really I’m just very risk-averse and a bit of a control freak while he’s more adventurous and less hung up on the minutiae. Like I never let the kids go two nights without a shower or bath and he’s more relaxed about that but it’s not like he would let them go weeks without being cleaned.

I’m one whom it takes a lot to offend but by god OP, you have been given a rough ride on this thread.

I have no other thoughts that might help to improve your life but I do recognise when this is not normal and your husband’s behaviour is causing you distress.

I wish you well in whatever you choose to do.

But really I’m just very risk-averse and a bit of a control freak while he’s more adventurous and less hung up on the minutiae.

This is sad. Why portray yourself negatively? You are protective and detail oriented. Many (not all) women are like this (not innately!) and that's what they contribute to the parenting team. It makes me sad that so many women are called controlling just because so many men have been brought up not to notice the tiny details of what parenting consists of.

I would also expect my husband to recognise that bleach spilt on a child’s clothing is not good.
To the poster who said .. “well, it didn’t go in his eyes, what’s the problem” clearly is either so horizontal and has no idea of child safety or lives in a chaotic world that this is deemed normal?!

Thanks @StLucia4. I'm really grateful for everyone who posted and i have read every single reply. Problem is I've gone from anxious and confused to more anxious and confused.

If I listen to some posters I am letting my son live with an abusive man. I dont want that. If this is the case I am very happy to leave, without a second thought.

On the other hand if I listen to others I'm a control freak who cant let my DH do anything differently to how i do. In which case it's me that needs to change and if I left Dah I would be splitting up a family that could functions nd be happy with some effort.

I just want to do right by my son. And I dont know what that is and I feel pretty overwhelmed at the moment.

@royalmail so you are genuinely telling me that you would be ok with your baby walking round in a vest that is wet with pure bleach?

Ok then.

The tea didnt burn him, it was hot not boiling, but it did soak his clothes and has left a stain on the carpet. It also meant whilst I was trying to get ready for work I had to go and clean it up.

Those examples are certainly not normal. I think most of us would agree that bleach on a child’s shirt is unacceptable and dangerous and the shirt needs to be whipped off immediately and hot tea should never be set on a floor with small children around.
We all have accidents sure, but OP, I understand your need to discuss the importance of this with your partner as a preventative measure.

My partner burned a tea towel whilst cooking. Whilst eating dinner I could smell burning. He was blasé about it, didn’t apologise nor accept it was dangerous. It’s a bad habit he has when cleaning round pots as he cooks. Did the house burn down? No. Is a burned tea towel expensive? No.
Did he accept responsibility? No.

Just because it was smouldering and we didn’t die doesn’t make it any less important. He’s burned at least 3 tea towels since. I call that a risk hazard.

This sounds so hard OP - you say you've talked until you're blue in the face - could you go to counselling together? A safe space with a neutral party out of the home - could that help?

DH is very happy to go to couples.counselling and I'm going to book some sessions.

NeverGotMyPuppy I feel for you.

Asking for opinions on MN is never going to give you an indisputable answer. There are as many different perspectives as there are people.

Listen to your feelings. If you feel anxious then you have a problem. Other people telling you there is no problem will not help. You can't just shake off feelings because other people say they are silly.

Some people think your DH is abusive and you should leave him, others think he is just responding in a normal way to stress and lack of sleep and it may get better. Who is right? Nobody. Only you know what you can tolerate.

It sounds like you really need to talk this over with a counsellor or therapist. Perhaps without DH. Until you know what you want to do about it just be kind to yourself. Maybe write down all the things he says and does which bother you and mull them over later rather than reacting in the moment. That will help you and might even cause your DH to back off because he's not get a reaction from you any more.

Having a toddler one of the hardest phases of family life. One way or another things will change.

Thank you @hambledon.

NeverGotMyPuppy I have been in the same place as you and I spent years and years trying to work out who was right and who was wrong in our relationship. I solicited options from MN repeatedly and also hoped counsellors would listen to our difficulties and come to a conclusion about who was being unreasonable and tell me what to do. No answer came.

There is no answer out there. It's inside you. You really have to accept and address your hurt and anxiety. Don't let anyone tell you it's silly. Where exactly is it coming from and what can you do about it? Unfortunately only you will know the answer to that. 💐

Hambledon

i think you are far too critical- he can't seem to do anything right. That's probably why he feels fustrated.

honestly, let it go. ask yourself are you making him happy, do you love him? does he love you? what could you do to make him feel comfortable and wanted? what could he do for you to feel the same?

if you don't want to, then stop bullying him, picking on everything and desperate

How very right you are. Thank u. X

Lord above. I am.bullying him?! Do you actually know what that word means?!

1more rep. That’s rather critical of you to someone who’s feeling distressed and asked for support?
We are all entitled to our own opinion but calling the OP a bully is far from helpful.