I'm in such pain

[NeverGotMyPuppy]

I just dont know what to do.
DH and I have been married for 10 years. All mostly happy. We have a 16 month old DS.
DH has always been argumentative - I often feel I have to replay conversations to 'prove' my point. I've often said I could do with CCTV and feel like I'm often on trial. He gets obsessed over the minutiae of arguments and i feel like we have an argument within an argument within an argument IYSWIM.

He has got worse recently. He is utterly defensive and sees so much as criticism - it blinds him to everything else. I'm finding myself utterly exhausted living with him. Today as an example:

DH gets DS ready for childminder. I say - perfectly nicely 'r those the trousers he was wearing yesterday? If so they r dirty'. DH asks 'really - where?' I tell him. He repeats the question in 2 other ways, disbelieving that they are dirty. I say 'honestly, I had to brush the food off them to get him in the carseat last night'. DH asks me to show him. DS isnt fond of staying still. DH says a little bit of a mark isnt important so he wont change him.
So I go and change him. I show DH the old leggings 'oh, I didn't see that'.

The day before he spent 20 minutes arguing why DS's toyboy was a perfectly sensible place to leave his toothbrush - 'it's a flat surface' when I pointed out that it makes my life quite difficult when he doesnt put it back in the bathroom as I have to search around to clean DS's teeth.

I know it sounds like a tiny thing. But this is most days of my life. I'm utterly exhausted by it.

What do I do. Im so sad and i feel so alone. Am I going mad? Am i in the wrong here?

It sounds like he has an overriding need to be 'right' and 'won't every argument (and takes every suggestion or comment as a criticism that he needs to disprove). Its like he's battling against you instead of working on the same team. I don't know what the answer is though as although you may be able to let some things go, day to day life living with someone is always going to give rise to having to ask them to do something. And clearly you can't ignore anything dangerous. Maybe individual counselling for him to find out why he does this? He would have to really want to change though and work hard at it.

Take some responsibility for your affair.

This.

I now understand why your dh acts as he does. All sympathy for you OP has evaporated.

Own Your Behaviour.

Before you leave op if this counselling is your last chance you need to be so clear. You have two minimum requirements for your dp which represent the rock bottom of acceptable standards. They are that he keep your child safe, and that your child’s safety is his priority, as opposed to defending his actions. Neither of these are currently true, there are numerous incidents where your child has been at risk and his instinctive reaction to every single one has been defensive denial rather than prioritising your child.
It sounds exhausting and very very stressful.

First of all she DIDN"T have an affair. She got close to someone emotionally when her dh was acting like an utter dick who didn't care what she did.

The MN obsession with treating an emotiona affair (never heard this term before MN btw) as the same as humping another man three times a week is beyond me.

Second ... like seriously? If your spouse gets too close to a work colleague when you are being an utter shit - although no actual infidelity takes place - it is ok for you to let your toddler sit in a bleach-soaked vest, stay in the car while you shop, and be endangered by a cup of tea? Like really? Do you think the toddler is the emotional affair whipping boy?

Weird.

Ok my opinion told in a story. Party A and party B

B prepared dinner, there wasn't enough cheese grated when A came to get their portion of dinner so A grated some. Put the block of cheese onto the wrapper and left on bench in case any other family member wanted more cheese during the meal and went to dining table to eat meal whilst hot. Party B got up and said why did you leave cheese there. Party A explained as above. Party B said 'well that's stupid, you should have put it back, anyone would put it back, it's not hard'

At marriage counselling later that night. Party A said, that made me feel that you don't think I should have an opinion as you think you are right cheesegate was a perfect example as I'm an adult and can choose to put the cheese away after dinner if I want to and shouldn't be belittled for it. Party B reiterated there point over and over that leaving it out was wrong.

On way home from marriage counselling it came up again. Party B said ask anyone they'd agree you should have put it away then and there.

Party A was exhausted - it was constant criticism about things that party A as an adult was perfectly able to make a decision on but party B opinion always had to be the right one.

Sometimes party A got annoyed because party B would complain about shoes under coffee table but leave jackets everywhere in the house and empty contact lens packets on the bathroom window ledge every day.

The bitterness crept in, the constant annoyance and when the big shit happened in the marriage- there was no partnership left to be able to deal with it.

What I'm saying is don't let these things get out of hand.

As party A I was battered down by his 'right' opinion. So much so that when he had a point or a good idea I could no longer see it.

I left not long after cheesegate. It was just the metaphor for all of the picking at me.

Just be careful how you go about things, value the good stuff he does and let some things go

This sounds a lot like the way me and my wife used to be when we had little kids.

My wife is super capable, trained in childcare and very risk averse.

We used to argue about everything. I don't know you or your husband, so this is my analysis of my situation...

At work I was highly respected, a top employee, highly capable, used to being successful.

At home I was a failure. I couldn't do anything right. Any mistake or even perceived mistake and I was criticised in a way that made me feel a fool. Showing me my mistake, explaining in detail what I had done wrong. If I disagreed with my wife, then it would escalate. She would never see my point of view. I began to hate her. I would be scared to do anything, waiting for the inevitable criticism. I would avoid coming home, staying late to avoid being criticised. I hated it. I felt completely useless. A very difficult time. In the end I would argue about everything. I didn't want to concede on any point.

My wife probably hated me too. She probably complained I was always in a foul mood, and sensitive to any criticism.

I would not have appreciated a load of people online telling her to leave me.

I should have been less sensitive to criticism. I should have turned the other cheek and accepted my wife was stressed out with childcare, and only concerned for the safety of our kids.

I wish my wife had been able to realise how she was speaking to me, how useless she made me feel. It was the tone of voice. Hard to explain. I used to tell her that I would never respond to being spoken to like that. She would never accept that she was belittling me. In my head I dreamed of leaving probably every day. My love of my kids stopped me.

We're still married. Kids are teenagers and life is good (and just so much easier without little ones). We never fixed it. We just got through it. I'm sorry I don't have a solution. OP and husband don't strike me as currently being willing to take stock, reflect and compromise.

I'm not saying the OPs situation is the same as mine, I can't possibly know, but this is my experience anyway, and it feels similar.

Just be careful how you go about things, value the good stuff he does and let some things go

yeah OP. Stop worrying about your toddler left alone in a car or in a bleach-soaked vest or able to spill tea. More important that your husband feels just as valued and just as "top employee" at home. forget about your child's safety.

ffs. so glad my husband (top employee by the way!!!) wasn't like this.

OP, you've had more of the same on here.

God, I feel for you. You're clearly at the very end of your rope. How about a break for a bit? I'm serious. I know a couple who do this every now and then. At least it would save your mental health, or give it a rest

ps he sounds unbearable. No wonder you're tearing your hair out.

First of all she DIDN"T have an affair.

Sorry, I disagree and so do lots of other people.

An emotional affair is an affair and is every bit as damaging as a physical affair. In some ways it's worse. For me, a drunken one night stand is less hurtful than having an emotional connection with someone. Sex is just sex, but an on going romance where emotions and feelings develop feels like far more of a betrayal to me.

An emotional affair is an affair and is every bit as damaging as a physical affair. In some ways it's worse

I had an EA, and I completely agree with this.

I am sorry that you are feeling miserable, OP. However, the fact that you are now leaving the thread because not everyone is saying that you are right does, perhaps, give us a bit of insight into the way you might be behaving towards your husband.