My Boyfriend is angry I'm going on holiday without him

[Emilysr194]

My boyfriend is a pretty jealous and possessive person, he doesn't like men talking to me. I'm going away for 2 weeks to see my best friend (Female) who is away travelling. My gay best friend (Male) is going with me. Any time i mention the holiday he gets mad, refuses to talk about it, told me i am using all my holiday so i can't go away with him. I invited him along but he couldn't afford it.
Am I the bad guy here or is he being overly jealous? And what do I do?

I'm just pointing out that women on MN use anxiety and trust issues ALL THE FLIPPING TIME to get stress and insecure about their partners wanting to go out without them, clubbing etc, boys holidays, not coming home at exactly the time they said they would, not responding to the ten texts an hour she's sending them, and she sits indoors getting herself into a state over it because 'anxiety.'

Lots of people have some odd stuff going on with entitlement and control. They are by no means all men. Women often have a way of presenting as needy and insecure but less threatening so that they seem like the victims and their male partners are dismissive of their delicate emotional state.

It doesn't change the fact that they are still being excessively controlling and demanding though.

You need a new boyfriend
You really really DON'T!!!!
You need to dump in.
Get some outside support.
Understand and implement boundaries.
Work on yourself and your self-esteem.
Stay single for a while and THEN you can get a new BF if you want one!
They aren't the be all and end all.
You can be perfectly happy on your own!

You need a new boyfriend
You really really DON'T!!!!
You need to dump in.
Get some outside support.
Understand and implement boundaries.
Work on yourself and your self-esteem.
Stay single for a while and THEN you can get a new BF if you want one!
They aren't the be all and end all.
You can be perfectly happy on your own!

Couldn't agree with this more.

omg what did I read.. OP I hope you get out of this...

Bollocks AllideasAndNoAction: posters who do that are usually encouraged by other posters to get help for any MH issues and not to seek to control others’ actions.

There's no helping this one.

Ditch the boyfriend.

Enjoy the rest of your life.

Simples.

i assume that is also a sign of a typical abuser? deny all of the above, make me feel like i'm being stupid and then expect me to apologize for calling him out

Exactly, OP, spot on!

You’ve got the picture now, use it!

Oh, but don’t discuss it with him, you don’t have to justify yourself to end a relationship. You don’t need his permission. You don’t need to prove anything or get him to accept that it is his behaviour that is wrong.

Because as you have rightly identified, he won’t.

The only basis for your decision is whether you are truly happy, and feel secure in a mutually trusting and respectful relationship.

If you don’t feel that, just end it.

Yeah op you know the answer to this,

Get him the fuck out your home and your life ASAP. End it, and tell him to go.

Don't try to convince him he's an abuser. That's batshit and never goes well.

Just kick him out. The reason women end up in abusive relationships is because they don't react as soon as it occurs. They just keep taking it.

It won't change, he will keep abusing you till he decides he's met someone else he will abuse more. Don't waste your youth on him.

@AllideasAndNoAction though i see your point it doesn't seem relevant to my initial question. i am not needy, i do have anxiety but there are many external factors to that outside of the issues i am facing with my boyfriend. I came to this forum looking for advice, to make sure that I am not the one acting unreasonably here, in order to know what to do when i have to face him later. everyone's issues are unique and personal to them. you can't loop all men into one bracket and you can't assume all women are looking for some sort of distorted sympathy by reaching out.

You are going to stay with him arnt you Emily?

Yup

I always hate it when you view a post and majority just tell you to run like the wind when doing so would be quite an overreaction, but I’m afraid everyone here is right, you need to leave this relationship. Controlling people do not change, regardless of how much you reassure them nothing will happen. Ask yourself, do you really want to have to be made to feel bad every time you go hang out with your friends? It’s his insecurity, it shouldn’t be your problem. I’ve been there, my ex was exactly like this. Him saying all these things shows he clearly doesn’t trust you, or your friends, and probably never will.

He's abusive. He's sensed an easy target in you and he's shown his true colours really, really fast. it was a bit silly to send him a link about abuse, and it was a bit silly to let him move in so fast. he's never going to agree that he is abusing you but what he might do is to treat you even worse now to punish you for daring to challenge him.

Your boyfriend is jealous, possessive and is angry about you going on holiday without him. You have only been together since last Aug and he is already living with you in a place you rent.
He is showing his true colours, take the advice your getting here and end things with him. I would block his phone number and all social media also as you don't want or need him contacting you.
Do this before you go on holidays and have a great time in New Zealand.
When you come back do the freedom program that other posters have mentioned here. You have had a few bad relationship in the past and this freedom program will help you avoid them in the future.

How many women in abusive relationships look back and wished to god they had left when it was relatively easy to do so. Why would you set yourself up for a life of misery when it's obvious that's what's in store.

He's abusing you deliberately. It's not all some big misunderstanding that will be rectified by bringing it to his attention.

Are you worried about getting him to leave when you end things?

Emily, please stop trying to reason with your abuser by showing him articles. You are actually giving him more ammunition to batter you with.

You would benefit from counseling to strengthen your self-esteem and examine your willingness to be with this toxic manipulator. If you stick with him, you will become diminished beyond recognition.

When I was your age I was planning the trip of a lifetime. I then met now DH. He knew I was planning a trip. Our relationship progressed, we bought a house, got lodgers and I went on my trip for 6 months. I came back, couple of years later we got married and are celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary this year. That's what a loving man does - let's your dreams come true and doesn't squash them.

Go and find your loving man. I grew up in a jealous household. It sucks and I abhor jealousy and won't tolerate it in my life. You shouldn't either.

Enjoy NZ, it's an amazing place.

he isn't talking to me right now

Good.

Now please do yourself a favour and stop talking to him. You cannot reason an abuser out of being abusive. All you're doing is giving him further opportunities for manipulating and controlling you.

Can you instead invest all these efforts in yourself? To love yourself, build your self esteem and become self-reliant.

Get hold of Women Who Love Too Much.

OMG - I have been lurking but had to say something.

Please don't show him articles showing that you know his game as he will become even harder to get out of your flat and your life. If he is paying half rent having been rapidly tipped out of his old place, I can only hope that it is a verbal agreement between you and he's not on your tenancy.

Give him a fortnight's written notice that you want him out then go and stay with family or friends if you can. Don't listen to all the reasons he can't move out, he's got family/friends/a job to pay rent, he managed it before. He can even tell them all what an unreasonable bitch you are. Call the police if he won't go and change the locks as soon as he's out, tell your landlord it was necessary due to an abusive relationship.

Then get yourself to New Zealand, tell your friends everything and let them help you get some decent boundaries in place.

“ you can't loop all men into one bracket“

It’s really easy to spot and categorise types like your boyfriend though, unfortunately. Decent men don’t behave like this.

Emily, you won't get anywhere trying to understand him or trying to explain to him. People like him suck all the energy out of you, they squash joy, they live on YOUR emotions until you feel nothing but fear of 'disappointing' him. The do not enhance your life, they impoverish it.

NZ is fantastic. You will love it and have a really good time. BUT if you stay with this git he will spoil it. He will make sure that your fun time is spoiled every day. He will strop, he will sulk, he will do whatever is necessary to keep you worried and upset and with the bulk of your attention on him. Don't waste yourself on him, you deserve so much better.

tell him "look, its barely been six months. Youve moved yourself in and youre already telling me what I can and cant do and guilt tripping me about my holiday of a lifetime. I think this is clearly not making either of us happy anymore and I want you to move out"

You don't need a boyfriend. It wasn't the right time for him to move in he just had nowhere to go.
He doesn't make you feel good
He doesn't have to agree he's being a shit, you can just say things aren't working out, please get your stuff together. Have someone else in the house if you can.