My Boyfriend is angry I'm going on holiday without him

[Emilysr194]

My boyfriend is a pretty jealous and possessive person, he doesn't like men talking to me. I'm going away for 2 weeks to see my best friend (Female) who is away travelling. My gay best friend (Male) is going with me. Any time i mention the holiday he gets mad, refuses to talk about it, told me i am using all my holiday so i can't go away with him. I invited him along but he couldn't afford it.
Am I the bad guy here or is he being overly jealous? And what do I do?

Big red flags everywhere I'm afraid. Who's name is on the lease? If it's just yours that's better than if he's persuaded you to put his name on too. Whatever you do, don't do that.

He's abusing you, just in a different way than your ex did.

raise your standards. You are coming across as so desperate to be 'in a relationship' that you'll go with any man and that's not good. And this one is probably going to get violent sooner or later.

throw him out, change locks, go on holiday and read the sticky on the relationships thread here headed 'listen up'. 3.5 billion men on the planet, no need to go with arseholes, let alone controlling ones.

he isn't talking to me right now. i tried to ask him what is bothering him and classic response is 'oh what a surprise i'm in the wrong of course'. I am reading a lot of the advice threads i have been sent and i can clearly identify him in more than 1 of the forms of abusers outlined in these articles. i have sent him a screen grab example of one and i have said i am scared that he can't see that he is relating to these people. i don't imagine the response is going to be a good one. but then i assume that is also a sign of a typical abuser? deny all of the above, make me feel like i'm being stupid and then expect me to apologize for calling him out.

He's being unreasonable and annoyingly insecure and possessive obviously, but honestly, I can't imagine very many women being happy about their boyfriends going away in similar circumstances either.

Difference being, they'd be on here going 'I suffer from anxiety and trust issues and I am so frightened he'll be unfaithful. I know his best female friend says she's gay but even so, she always seems too touchy feely with him for my liking. I'm so upset - he knows I'd love to go with them but can't afford it. I was hoping he'd go away with me later in the year when I've managed to save up a bit but now he won't be able to. I am not his priority am I?

And she's likely be told 'He's a selfish knob, ditch the bastard.' by at least 50% of posters.

But yes, he doesn't sound like a great guy. If I were you I'd use your holiday in NZ to put some space between you and ask him to be gone when you return.

Sounds like you've seen the light @Emilysr194! Good for you. Now get him the fuck out of your life, go and have a blast in New Zealand with your friends, tell them exactly what he's been doing and then get some proper help so you can avoid ever getting into an abusive relationship again.

Honestly, even without the massive red flags here, you can end this relationship guilt-free. So why wouldn't you? It doesn't matter which his family think, does it? They're not dating him!

Oh, god! I get the feeling a lot of women here are, like me, remembering manipulative and controlling exes who made our lives hell. When we were finally free, it felt as if we could breathe freely for the first time in years.
Emily, his family are gaslighting you - his behaviour is not acceptable.
Please ask him to leave your flat. And maybe you could try some counselling to help you love yourself better and make better choices in men.

I wish you all the best. I lived with a man like him and the relationship did me a lot of harm before i broke free.

@emilyrs do yourself and your self esteem a massive favour and ask this man to move out. He's not nice and you deserve so much more.

Don't bother showing him this thread - hell just turn it around on you, use it for arguments. Know your own boundaries and stick by them. It doesn't matter if he agrees with your boundaries or not.

Massive congrats on saving for your holiday. Please do not let this man ruin your holiday. You do not owe him anything.

he does pay half the rent.
That's good Emily

the reason he moved in so quickly is my own doing, he was being kicked out of his own place (not for anything bad, they just needed the place back) and he didn't have anywhere to go.
This is very, very bad.
How did he sell you the concept of 'nowhere else to go'?
You may have enabled him a little ("my own doing") but how was he - a grown adult - unable to sort out his own accommodation needs?
How did it become your responsibility to house him?
It is far, far, to soon to have moved in with even a wonderful man.
Again - boundaries: & I'm not ticking you off OP, but you seriously need to do The Freedom Programme to understand how to assert & maintain your own boundaries & to break your cycle of 'unlucky' relationships.

btw - congratulations on NZ!
What a fantastic trip to look forward to, & a major achievement to have saved up for.
Funny how a load of randoms are excited for you & admire your get-up-&-go, but your own b/f can only sulk & carp about it, innit?

Ditch him. He is gonna get worse & worse.

Don’t send him articles about abuse. He is not going to recognise it and stop doing it. Abusers don’t do that.

You could get him out of your flat, immediately and safely. Get help from your friends/family/a womens organisation.

You have spent a LOT of money on this upcoming trip. On securing and paying for your rented property. Don’t risk spoiling your trip and/or losing your deposit and housing because of this loser.

he didn't have anywhere to go

Bullshit. Family? Friends? Or someone he's known for a few months (YOU)?

i have sent him a screen grab example of one

Stop engaging with him. Stop giving him all your weapons for him to throw back at you.

Listen to us. We've been there and done that.

Please talk to people in real life and get him out of your house and your life.

My boyfriend is a pretty jealous and possessive person, he doesn't like men talking to me.

This, your first sentence is your problem.

Get rid of him, get rid of the problem

Honestly, it will only get worse.

You don't need this man. He will control you and coerce you at every opportunity. LTB, as quick as you can.

EverybodyLangClegTonight said it perfectly. leave him, he is awful

If he does this - deny all of the above, make me feel like i'm being stupid and then expect me to apologize for calling him out. that is, I believe, called gaslighting and is a form of abuse too.

Seriously, cut this guy loose. Don't send him stuff about his personality traits. He hasn't got any redeeming ones anyway!

Go on your holiday and as someone else suggested, kick him out first, and get another good friend to look after the place while you're on holiday.
This is NOT the right guy for you.

Emily, what’s stopping you dumping him? Are you frightened of him? Do you fear that he’ll refuse to leave your home? Or that he will become violent?
I think you need some support in real life, rather then just here on Mumsnet. You need to confide in your friends, get some back up, then have someone with you when you tell the abusive bugger to leave.
Be prepared to put his belongings outside and change the locks- whatever it takes to reclaim your home, your life, your freedom and your self esteem.
And, as virtually every PP here has said, have some counselling to help you avoid becoming a victim of these controlling bastards in future.
Good luck, pet. You can do this.

i have sent him a screen grab example of one

Emily, I can understand your reasoning here & your frustration in wishing him to accept that it is HIS behaviour, not YOUR reaction to it that is the problem.

But please, please do not do this again.

It will backfire on you.
And for what? - he is never going to own the fact that he is a jealous & controlling man who sulks every time he doesn't get his own way.

All that will happen is that he will twist your attempts to reason with him into an invented narrative about how it is all your fault, & you must now instantly appease him or he will sulk/abuse/escalate until you do.

You said his family make excuses for him? That’s good, because he can go live with them when you finally kick his arse out.

a sign of a typical abuser? deny all of the above, make me feel like i'm being stupid and then expect me to apologize for calling him out

You’re right, but don’ttry discussing or debating with him. He could go on playing you for months or years. You don’t have to explain or make excuses. Just split up with him and ask him to leave your flat.

Dump him, change the locks and go on holiday single. I guarantee you will have a much better time.

Don't waste some of the best years of your life being curtailed by someone. Be young, be free, be happy!

but honestly, I can't imagine very many women being happy about their boyfriends going away in similar circumstances either.

What are you like, @AllideasAndNoAction?

Anybody who has the front to object to their NEW partner of a few months going on a holiday that was saved for, arranged & booked before they even met, has some odd stuff going on with entitlement or control - it makes no odds whether they are female or male.

If you are happy to have a childish controlling twat as a boyfriend, fine go ahead live that way, but dont moan about it. On the other hand if you are not happy with someone controlling your life, put your big girl pants on and boot his arse out of the door and feel free. Your call

You've been together for just months and he's clearly already making you miserable. This will not improve. Do you want this for the rest of your life?

You need a new boyfriend