My Boyfriend is angry I'm going on holiday without him

[Emilysr194]

My boyfriend is a pretty jealous and possessive person, he doesn't like men talking to me. I'm going away for 2 weeks to see my best friend (Female) who is away travelling. My gay best friend (Male) is going with me. Any time i mention the holiday he gets mad, refuses to talk about it, told me i am using all my holiday so i can't go away with him. I invited him along but he couldn't afford it.
Am I the bad guy here or is he being overly jealous? And what do I do?

[Boireannachlaidir]

@Missarad why should the OP "be taking him on holiday this year as ... he needs a break as well"?

It's not her responsibility to ensure he has a bloody holiday is it? She doesn't need to be responsible for him having a break, that's up to him! Tough titty if he can't afford to go to NZ ... which, by the way, was booked before she met him. Not that it makes a difference.

I hope he's paid the rent & bills he owes to OP before he fucks off. Good riddance!

[nicenewdusters]

I lived with one of these fuckers for a lot longer than 6 months.

I left him nearly 20 years ago.

I was still talking about him last week in personal therapy.

He'll be back. Throw him out. He'll ruin you. Just trust that we're all correct and know what we're talking about. There's a pattern and a script with these men. Don't stay with him to learn it.

[Whatsnewpussyhat]

He broke up with you expecting you to beg him not to and cancel the holiday.

Get him out of your home and change the locks. I wouldn't want him in there while you are away.

[katy1213]

You don't need a boyfriend like this. Dump him, have a fab time with your gay friend - and maybe you'll meet someone else.

[CalleighDoodle]

I doubt he has gone. He wont go easily. He will sag he didnt mean it. It will have been a power play

[kalinkafoxtrot45]

Change the locks OP! And good riddance to this idiot of a man!

[Cornishclio]

OP. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you and in time you will see his leaving you as good. Whether or not you believe it he is controlling and obviously does not really care about you if he uses the holiday as an excuse. No one ditches some one they love over a holiday they can't go on. Surely if you have been together 6 months you talked about it? Work on your self esteem by getting some therapy or doing the Freedom program many talk about. You deserve better than your exes.

[Bluewater1]

Run like the wind

[Queenoftheashes]

Dumping you was def designed to fuck with your self esteem (esp re claiming others told him to do it) so you’d realise how great he is and beg him to stay. He then agrees and holds all power over you. Don’t let it fool you.

[Overthinker1988]

I haven't read the whole thread but I echo what some of the others have said. Change the locks and don't let him back into your life, don't explain yourself and don't show him any thread or try to make him see the error of his ways, it's pointless as there's no reasoning with people like that.
Then get yourself some counselling to prevent getting into abusive relationships in future. Jealousy/possessiveness and the relationship moving very fast are massive red flags, don't ignore them.
I had an ex like this, I too had low self esteem at the time. It culminated in him trying to stop me going to university, following me everywhere, threatening suicide and turning up outside my house banging on the windows, steaming drunk at 2am when he realised I was finally serious about breaking up with him (I'd tried before but was too weak-willed). He also broke the glass on my door during an argument. But of course everything was always my fault and I was the unreasonable one. (the door-breaking argument was because I didn't introduce him to an acquaintance I chatted to on the bus and he felt 'ignored'). I finally got rid of him for good when I moved away to uni. Had I stayed with him I would've wasted my life and become a shell of my former self. Please don't become that person. You can do so much better.

[Overthinker1988]

Oh and btw my ex also broke up with me numerous times, usually after I confronted him about his crappy behaviour. He knew I'd run back so it was a reverse psychology thing, to mess with my head. When I finally dumped him and meant it he went full on psycho ( see my previous comment). It's all about wearing you down and controlling you.

[Nofoolfornoone]

I have not read the whole thread, apologies.
This happened to me. I wanted a holiday on my own. I had been through a lot and needed a week alone. My boyfriend at the time was so angry about it. Said it was weird I didn’t want to go away with him, he didn’t like me going so far on my own shouted at me over it. It was one sign he was very very possessive and jealous. He couldn’t afford holidays as he kept walking out of jobs and said that If he were me he would rather not go on holiday and spend time at home together. Long story short I broke up with him and that’s when o saw just how obsessive he was.
If your partner can’t be happy for you to be having a lovely time with your friends then he isn’t a partner. Save yourself the pain that I went through and end it now

[GreenTulips]

Have you thought that there’s a reason his family think you are wrong?

That him being upset directly affects them?

That if you kicked him out he becomes their problem again? Him living with you and being happy is beneficial for them.

They aren’t on his side, they are only doing what’s best for them.

[Nofoolfornoone]

Now I see he broke up with you. I imagine this may be in order to get you to beg him to stay, please don’t. Allow him to walk ASAP and then plan your amazing trip without the hassle of someone who would have spoilt your holiday by constantly being passive aggressive via WhatsApp. He is not right for you. And do not let him place the blame on you. You know deep down it’s not you and hold onto that. We all learn lessons in life. Maybe this lesson is not to rush into living together before really knowing someone. Have an amazing holiday!

[NameChangeNugget]

Could be a cowards way to cause an easy out for him. I reckon there’s an OW

[penisbeakers]

Why are you with this wanker? Get rid of him.

[Nofoolfornoone]

I echo the posts to block him and change the locks.
After I broke up with my exbf he wanted me to help him move, I told him no he needed to ask family and move himself out by time I got back from my parents. I had an amazing week alone then He then moved himself back in a week later as he was asked to leave by the landlord and he “wasn’t going to make himself homeless”. I had to live with him for a further 3 weeks before I paid his £500 deposit for a flat. He lived with me only for a month but paid nothing towards bills or food. I had dated him only 6 months so rushed into it too much. I contributed to get abusive phone calls and messaged of him crying and swearing at me and I believed him that it was my fault and so I didn’t block him . It took almost a year after for me to finally have enough.
Please don’t be like me!

[user3575796673]

Has he actually moved out?

[MabelCloth]

How are you today OP?

I hope he has gone.

I know rejection feels hard even when it is someone you would have rejected. Try not to wallow in rejection. Keep your view firmly fixed in the fabulous (and it does sound fabulous!) holiday in NZ with friends who love and respect you.

God, there is so much to see and it is so beautiful. Lovely beaches, Bay of Islands, Rotorua thermal springs and geysers, Auckland and Wellington such cool cities....

You saved for this, go, enjoy, don’t look back!

[IndieTara]

Get his keys back then change the locks

[Neolara]

I would call being dumped a great result. Go and have a lovely holiday.

[BumbleBeee69]

Please be very careful OP.. this is now the danger zone.. You haven't reacted to his actions in the way he wanted.. you haven't begged and pleased with him to stay.. she he will react to your lack of reaction being doing something more aggressive... to gain control of you back.. please be careful.. change your locks.. block him .. have no contact with any of his family ... they support his abuse behaviours ..

[EmmaOvary]

Have a holiday from him. A permanent one.

[JWrecks]

I came to this forum looking for advice, to make sure that I am not the one acting unreasonably here, in order to know what to do when i have to face him later.

You are getting what you came for. Seems it wasn't what you expected, but I assure you it's what you need.

Loads of us have been through awful, abusive relationships, and experience and hindsight have given us the knowledge we wish we'd had then. We're trying to help you now.

Advice: Leave him! He's a controlling, possessive, and jealous user. He is raising several red flags, ones we've all seen before, even from the limited info you've given us. It will not get better; it will get worse. You cannot reason with him or make him see the error of his ways. You will only hurt yourself. Don't waste any more time or stress on him.

And honestly, you're not married, you're not dependent on him, you don't have children together, and you've only known him a short while. It's not worth the risk!!

Boot him from your flat and move on.

AYBU?: No. He has no right to be angry about this. You made it clear from the outset that it was happening. There is nothing dodgy on your end. He is trying to coerce (control! possess!) you into not going using unreasonable childish behaviour. All of his reactions to this - something he should be happy for you about - are red flags of an abuser.

What to do when you face him: Tell him, in no uncertain terms, that he must go immediately. Do not let him stay until he finds a place. Do not let him talk you into feeling guilty, about anything. Be prepared for him to try; have a friend with you or talk in a public place.

We will be here to help if it goes badly.

Please, PLEASE remember that MANY of us here are survivors of abuse, of all sorts, and we've seen such behaviour before and know what we're on about.

Please remember that we genuinely care. Nobody wants to be right about this; nobody wants that for you! We're not here to disrupt your life, nor to say I told you so. We want you to have what we wish we'd had. We want to help you protect yourself!

[JWrecks]

Wow oops, I somehow missed that there were loads more posts! Sorry, ignore the above!

OP please don't believe those things he said. If anyone actually told him to break up (doubtful), it would have been for your benefit not his! You did absolutely nothing wrong.

I'm sorry he's done that to you, and I know it can't feel good right now, but you've dodged a bullet here. Or, as a wise woman once said, The trash has taken itself out!

Be careful about him now, and don't let him back into your life. He will likely try. Read up on abuser/controller tactics, and keep them fresh in your mind if you must deal with him. Make sure he gets all of his things, immediately, and don't be alone with him. Have a friend present if he comes to collect things. Have the locks changed as soon as he goes. Block him on all media now.

Then go to lovely NZ with your lovely friends and have a lovely time!