I’m at t he point of walking away from everything in divorce. Please help!

[Movingon83]

Some opinions please. I’m at a point where im absolutely fed up with my divorce. At the end of the day I win because I’ve left with my life intact a horribly emotionally abusive man.

My lawyer says an occupation order is finally balanced as to whether id win because I left the house with Ds (3). I left by force because he bullied me out. So do I not bother with the order, I really don’t have money to spend especially if not successful.

When I left in Feb my H’s last words were I will make you suffer, you will never get me out. So I know he will drag this out as long as possible because I had the confidence to leave him.

He will never agree on any financial order which leaves me ok financially. He wants 50:50 on the house and to walk away with pension and savings intact. So basically 70/30 in his favour.

Fighting him could cost me everything I have. Is there any point fighting against a narcissist. Do I just walk away with my head high and leave him the money he wants???

How old are you and do you work or can you work? How much by way of savings and pension?

If you leave him what he wants, will you have enough to survive on? If so, do that. But don't let him feel like you are happy about it or he will keep trying to push for more.

Freedom is the most important thing. As long as you don't get left destitute, it might be worth it to just take what you can and walk.

That being said, assuming you have a good lawyer and he is only contacting you through them and not harassing you...if you can afford to tough it out until you get more like what you want (if your lawyers thinks this can be done) then tough it out. It might just be a case of making sure he stays the feck away from you in the mean time so that he can't get into your head and harass you.

Sometimes the worrying about what they will do is the worst part.

I’m 35, I work part time. I wouldn’t be destitute as I have family.
I have no contact orders for me and Ds at the moment.

I’ve had enough of it all. He is using money against me, he always has done. This isn’t what I need or want at all but he will never let go. I would need to spend money lots of it to get anywhere.

You may be able to get a free Occupation Order here: www.ncdv.org.uk/ Call them for advice on that.

You can get free legal advice to help you decide on what to do from Rights of Women: www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

Try and take the emotion out of it and just look at the sums.

Work out what the difference is between what you think you should get versus what he will consent to. Subtract the likely cost of legal fees. Decide whether that leaves you with something worth fighting for.

Don't get caught up too much in angst about letting him "win". Getting out of the game can be better than winning.

That’s how I’m thinking now. He is “winning” because I’m suffering the longer this all goes on. I’ve come to realise now that there will be no ‘amicable’ agreement. There will be no understanding that I will do the majority of parenting so need more ...there will be no understanding at all. How much is my emotional health worth, do I want to fight over money. It’s all he cares about in the world. I care about my Ds and myself, unfortunately I need money to do that caring!

how much actually is there

would he accept you taking the savings and signing off the house to him and getting a cleanbreak. IIRC he has let the house go? I would see what you can get and then clean break it

My gut would be just to walk away. Have you chosen legal advisor that has dealt with emotionally abusive spouses before? Like, I would want to have them say to me that they know how the mindset of these people works...how do they feel about getting you what you are owed? Surely they would be the best person to consult.

But if you have family and a job, it might be worthwhile to take what you can get and just go. 30% is better than nothing too. Why stress over an extra 20% that you'll probably never get?

Let him have his money. Sad bastard will never have love. Let him think he's won and go.

Do you know how much money their is in the house and his pensions ?

For many people , his pension is worth more than the house, so dont discount it .

Sorry you are having to deal with this. I've divorced a narcissist and it was hell BUT please don't give up and walk away - he won't stop his behaviour towards you even after the divorce, esp if there are kids involved so you need to buckle up and accept you are in it for the long haul. Take all the emotion out of it if you can. The house and his pension are shared marital assets and you are entitled to 50% of those assets which you and your DCs may need at a later date - you are setting up their future as well as your own.

Don't bother mediation or even using solicitors as he will never agree with you - can you push it straight to court and get the judge to decide on your behalf? Self represent if you can't afford a barrister (although they can be invaluable).

I’ve been for the initial mediation but they said we are not suitable because of his coercive control. The lawyer said there is a good chance that I could keep the house and he would get his money when Ds turns 18. There are a lot of factors which would go in my favour, salary difference, my life long illness etc. But that’s all good when I need to fund it going all the way through the courts to get this outcome. I’d probably have to sell the house to pay lawyer so wouldn’t end up with a house anyway.

We are probably talking about a pot of £200,000.

It annoys me that I put so much more in initially (some Inheritance) but that’s how it goes I suppose. At the time he refused a trust deed saying how dare I not trust him, he’d never take my money...how stupid was I!

You could cut your losses and try to rebuild as you’re at an age where you have time to do that. The risk is that even if you agree to an inequitable settlement he’ll find something else to pursue and you’ll still be involved in proceedings and financially worse off. If you can hold your nerve and find a way to cover your costs, would try to push for at least half the savings if you’re suggesting it’s in the region of 200k or is the equity in the house included too?

Yeah that’s equity also.

Why would you walk away from £100k? Your legal fees would have to be very high to eat that all up.

That’s money to support your son too, you are deluded if you think his father will spend it on him.

You’d be better to self represent in court. However crap a job you do of representing yourself , will a judge really give you and your son nothing and your ex everything ?

Not so much walking away from everything. Walking away from what the solicitor says I need. They say 60/40 minimum and want me to keep the house given our different abilities.
That is what I need, it’s just a small house, same price really as a flat in our area. He will absolutely hate me keeping it out of spite and is it worth me pursuing it. Without it I won’t be able to buy something else. He can.
I think I need to give up the idea.

He will absolutely hate you WHATEVER you do. He will hate you because you are not being controlled by him anymore. It’s not about the money - it’s about you doing what he wants. Or not.

And you know why it’s worth pursuing it - because without it you can’t afford anything else.

Can't you get legal aid if he was abusive ?

I didn’t have enough evidence for legal aid, I never reported him.

I just think the stress of going through court to then have to sell to pay the lawyer will it be worth it. I’m not sure about the cost but I’m sure it will be expensive. I have about £4,000 saved which is in sure just a drop in the ocean. I’m just at the beginning of stopping contact with my son. Who knows how much this will cost. I just get the impression from the lawyer that this is all very 50:50. He still has his rights even after everything. He forced me and Ds out, he is trashing the house, doesn’t care about it but has a right to stay there, 50:50 In the court apparently. It’s not really fair. So i might go through all of it for nothing.

Realistically is your health going to be OK to keep working? Will you be able to rent somewhere for yourself and your ds and support yourself long-term?

If you'll be able to get by, and have prospects of improving your lot, then accepting a shit financial deal in order to get him out of your life is tempting. But you have to bear in mind, he'll probably keep coming after you over your ds even so, so it won't necessarily have the effect of reducing the conflict - in which case, you might as well keep going over the finances.

I walked away from my first marriage. He kept the house. I had to move to another town with three LOs and rent a 2 bed as it was all I could afford. Eldest had to change schools as a result. ExH didn't give a crap.
At the time I was desperate simply for freedom and safety.
Looking back though, I wish I'd thought more long-term and fought. I lost my house - for which I had solely raised the deposit! - any pension rights and didn't even get as much as a saucepan despite having furnished the place from my own meagre wages.
Legal battles when you're already suffering are very hard and I couldn't face it and felt I was keeping my dignity and sanity by walking away empty handed. But in hindsight I was well and truly rolled. And so were my kids.
Whatever you decide to do, best of luck.

Take a deep breath and consider being a litigant in person. The courts are sympathetic in my experience and if you need a barrister, for a full final hearing, the use a direct access barrister. It's a lot cheaper than using a solicitor ime. You will be entitled to some if his pension as well as equity in the house. Do you have the bank transfers showing you paid for the deposit? Ant large payments made by you need to be evidenced and will be taken into consideration. No matter how much you wish for peace, men like this can't give you peace as they need to call the shots. It's going to be difficult whatever you do so you may as well get something out of it. You can't rely on him paying maintenance, their aim is to control you and leave you with nothing. Get 30min free advice to see if you get an alternative view. 50/50 is a starting point, then they look at earnings, pensions, health and housing of the children. As tempting as it is to walk away, don't. You owe it to yourself and your child to get what's yours.

Don’t give up you will regret it later down the line when you are sat there far worse off than him and struggling for money. You will feel controlled then.

I know I will regret it, I regret even thinking about it. But this feels so toxic.

I’m bothered by my lawyers email this morning....there is a fine line of whether I’d win an occupation order because I left in Feb. I have been so weak mentally and physically. I couldn’t until now even think about the last year. He had been messaging me the whole time, twisting my thoughts. Now I have no contact I want to go home. Where I am is causing my Ds and me stress. All the stress is making my illness worse. I’ll end up not being able to work, not being to care for Ds, then what will happen. But he has nowhere else to go apparently and he needs to be housed..... he can bloody rent like I have can’t he.

Or do I just stay put for now and like you have said just take the whole thing through court. Ignore trying to get a deal through lawyers. What have I got to loose.