I’m at t he point of walking away from everything in divorce. Please help!

[Movingon83]

Some opinions please. I’m at a point where im absolutely fed up with my divorce. At the end of the day I win because I’ve left with my life intact a horribly emotionally abusive man.

My lawyer says an occupation order is finally balanced as to whether id win because I left the house with Ds (3). I left by force because he bullied me out. So do I not bother with the order, I really don’t have money to spend especially if not successful.

When I left in Feb my H’s last words were I will make you suffer, you will never get me out. So I know he will drag this out as long as possible because I had the confidence to leave him.

He will never agree on any financial order which leaves me ok financially. He wants 50:50 on the house and to walk away with pension and savings intact. So basically 70/30 in his favour.

Fighting him could cost me everything I have. Is there any point fighting against a narcissist. Do I just walk away with my head high and leave him the money he wants???

In order for co parenting to work both people need to see each other as equals, they need to be willing to co-operate, to give and take
The person that you describe will never go along with this, he will never see you as equal to him he will only ever see you as inferior, he will never co-operate he will only ever dominate and exploit
he cannot function as part of a partnership he only wants a master slave relationship where you work for him.

Also bear in mind that he has a powerful need to punish you for not deferring to him, for not letting him have everything he wants.
Ultimately imo, he will destroy himself, I don't know what the best course of action is, hopefully you will get the satisfaction of watching him implode from a safe distance but I don't think he's ever going to be a force for good in your life or your child's life.
(I apologise for being so negative and I wish you well 🙏)

It’s not negative, it’s the truth and it’s so f**king scary!

knowledge is power
you need to have more knowledge about him than he has about you so that you can see him clearly and anticipate his moves, understand the nature of the beast
ultimately things tend to end badly for people such as him
Let him be consumed with anger and hate so that he can't see clearly, rise above it, understand the situation and be strategic

I will play the role of someone strong and powerful, it is not who I am, but the alternative is I die! I am being consumed at the moment, so it’s do or die now.

Last words were I will make you suffer you will never get me out
If he was really clever he wouldn't be letting you know what his strategy is, so yes he's a nasty bully but he's not clever enough to keep his cards close to his chest
he can't resist opening his mouth because he wants the immediate gratification of frightening and intimidating you
if he was really dangerous he would pay a much longer game and not let you know what he was up to

No I wouldn’t credit this man with intelligence. He used to mock me about mine as I have a Masters, he used to tell me “you and all your education, your’re not so clever now”! Bet he got a kick out of doing me over. Bastard!

Last words were I will make you suffer you will never get me out

Ha ha. Jumped up little gobshite. Reality of the courts, judges, the law around divorce is going to kick him right in the nuts. Mwah ha ha.

Bet he got a kick out of doing me over. Bastard!
but he's still the thick one and you have a good brain to steer you through life, that's why he's putting up such a fight - he needs you waaay more than you need him
without you to assist he wont do very well, wait and watch from a safe distance....

I remember you Moving on and your DC being given his allergen oncontact time by his ignorant father. Do not let this scumbag win. He has nothing but his ego as a defense in court and though it may be huge, it will not work on the judge.

I hope he wakes up and has a good life. What I really mean by that is that he wakes up one day burning in the deepest darkest hell. But if he has a better life then so will Ds so I hope him true happiness, I hope he doesn’t self combust. I fear he already is tho.

I really want to fight but my body is letting me down. I have been left with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and I’m having a particularly bad time with it at the moment. I need to have the energy to work and look after Ds and I’m failing miserably at both. It’s partly why I want to walk away, it’s feeding my fatigue. I hide it from everyone but my legs have no strength anymore, I could collapse in the corner.

Get some support with your MH from your GP/counsellor and try to do some nice things for yourself.

Meditation/journalling or whatever helps get it out of your head. Give yourself "worry-time" and "not going to think about this anymore" time. Put things in the hands of your solicitor as much as possible.

I went to my gp again yesterday. There is nothing they can do or give me. They say the same thing to me, I need to live without stress. This simply is not possible. I do keep a diary, I’ve stopped contact. I’ve left decisions up to my lawyer. Where I’m staying is stressful. I have to hide my illness because they don’t understand. I see aspects of my husband in this person. Which leads me to believe it’s why I chose him because growing up I always aimed to please this person. I’m really scared that I will get to a point where I can no longer function, then what will happen to Ds.

I feel better today! Relieved that I’m here because I know it would have got worse! Even if I’m sharing a bed with my snotty little boy who keeps me up all night!
I loved that man and he abused me, yet I still have the capacity to empathise him. I must have a big heart And I’m glad I can still feel empathy and he didn’t take that from me! Might be confusing empathy with pity!

Glad you are feeling better today.

Write down how you are feeling today then when you have a bad day you can read it to remember

@Movingon83 - I hope you're feeling ok.

I'm also divorcing a narcissist too. My wife is extremely controlling and emotionally BV abusive. Just wanted to add my own thoughts.

I'll never forget my wife's words to me: 'I will screw you for every penny.'

It seems that with these types of personality, mediation will never work as they don't want to be told they are wrong. Your best bet is to go straight to the family court.

It also isn't possible to have an amicable divorce as they'll continue to push you to ask for more. In my experience, the best way to do this is to completely detach from them emotionally and view your contact with them in strategic rather than emotional terms. Otherwise, you'll never truly be free of them. Keep contact to a minimum and contact them only with a specific goal mind (e.g child care arrangements).

You should also think of your future parenting relationship with them as parallel parents, rather than co parents.

There are loads of good books on divorcing a narcissist, it's worth reading some.

Good luck!

My own abusive exh fought for primary residence and didn't even get 50/50 - these guys have a way of revealing themselves to the judge through their conduct in court.

Fight the bastard. You're in the trenches and the only way out is to fight your way out. Fix your bayonet and get going.

Claw every cent you can from the marital pot and feel no shame. You have yourself and a child to support.

You can do this.

"When you're going through hell, keep going."

• Winston Churchill.

The GP can and should be able to provide you with a short course of benzodiazepines to help you eat and sleep, followed by low dose antidepressants for same.

Talk to another GP about your situation - family breakdown - they have established treatment protocols to assist you.

I have no problem eating and sleeping is ok, chronic fatigue comes with insomnia amongst lots of other things. I need stability and a period of less stress. I haven’t really got over the stress of loosing my dad to cancer let alone any of this. It’s just this dragging on period I can’t stand. I can’t make plans for Ds or his school. It keeps me on edge and depletes my energy really quickly. I want this period to be over. Like a death, it’s finished you mourn and you try and move on. This is like cancer, like an illness eating away.

My ex is is like the most resistant virus ever! What will it take to get rid of him!!!!!

@RhythimIsRhythim that is absolutely the strongest case I’ve heard for fighting on. Your mum sounds amazing, it made me feel emotional reading that.

Do you think judges recognise emotional abuse? I’m thinking about just representing myself. I don’t have anything to loose really!

The only way out is through OP. It must be so hard