I’m at t he point of walking away from everything in divorce. Please help!

[Movingon83]

Some opinions please. I’m at a point where im absolutely fed up with my divorce. At the end of the day I win because I’ve left with my life intact a horribly emotionally abusive man.

My lawyer says an occupation order is finally balanced as to whether id win because I left the house with Ds (3). I left by force because he bullied me out. So do I not bother with the order, I really don’t have money to spend especially if not successful.

When I left in Feb my H’s last words were I will make you suffer, you will never get me out. So I know he will drag this out as long as possible because I had the confidence to leave him.

He will never agree on any financial order which leaves me ok financially. He wants 50:50 on the house and to walk away with pension and savings intact. So basically 70/30 in his favour.

Fighting him could cost me everything I have. Is there any point fighting against a narcissist. Do I just walk away with my head high and leave him the money he wants???

Yes sorry sometimes I need reminding of that! That is part of the reason for accepting a second rate offer, to get him out of my life. But going by all your msgs that’s probably won’t happen.

I’m fed up of having him in my thoughts daily, I want this gone.

This is a terrible rock and a hard place type situation and I do feel for you Movingon83, it's so annoying that they get to live rent free in your head isn't it
This man is vile abusive destructive, his long-term prospects are not good, you can have a happy life as a decent person, his life is going to be shit

You’re not going to get him out of your life though. If you had no child I would say walk.

You can't rid of him but you can stop caring so it doesn't matter what power games he tries to play. It'll be like a toddler furiously calling you a poo poo head. Detach detach detach. Freedom comes from him trying some shit with you and you feeling momentarily irritated then eye rolling thinking this is why we are not together then perhaps taking some boring action or just ignoring.

I had a wobble (again) because I’m just so exhausted. I lost my dad 2018, my illness, Ds and his illness. I’m so so so drained. But I am deluded thinking walking from money would be walking from him. So I’ve emailed lawyer, please send an application for court. Now I’m researching what I can do myself . First freedom programme meeting tomo!!!

What beneath rock bottom??????

Your energy will return. A lovely future awaits you. You've got to fight through a bramble patch first but you can get there.

He will use whatever available means to get at you and whilst you have a child together he will view the child as a potential avenue via which to attack you

I got bogged down trying to sort all the problems at once. I will concentrate on the most important first, little Ds. Sorry if I’m a slow learner

@RhythimIsRhythim

I wish your mother was here to read your beautiful tribute to her. She sounds like an amazing woman.

Every piece of emotional security I have is rooted in what my mum did for me. I would never have been able to trust someone enough to let them in, if I hadn’t seen how trustworthy and loyal and brave people can be from my mum’s example, as well as the darker and weaker example my dad set. Now I am married to a man I love very much

I’ve had a look on Mumsnet and other sites about how child contact orders go in court. It seems that judges are very tough and often grant 50:50 even in abusive relationships. It says to try and agree out of court. I just can’t see how we could ever see eye to eye. Turning a blind eye would mean Ds spending time with a man not capable of looking after himself. I know this man, how he works. I love Ds to bits, but how could I have brought him into this, what have I done. I can and will do my best to try and protect him but his dad will always be this man. I can stop contact with him, go to counselling, build myself up but what about Ds. What will he learn from him. Will he have to listen to him shouting, will he learn to be like him. Will they let him have unsupervised contact, will he keep returning to me sick. I can’t cope with this, I’m freaking out!

The house, the money it means nothing to me. My little boy, what have I done.

How can you ever be free when you know what the father of you children is? I’ll never be free of him.

I thought you had a lot of evidence of his neglectful behaviour. Calm down and stop googling. Speak to your solicitor soon - and as someone suggested earlier, contact the Rights of Women rightsofwomen.org.uk/.

Yes I have a lot. Some people have a lot more and still they get unsupervised. I thought leaving would protect him but it wont end. It’s a very scary thought.

Yes I have emailed them.

Read Rhythmisrhythm's post

Every piece of emotional security I have is rooted in what my mum did for me. I would never have been able to trust someone enough to let them in, if I hadn’t seen how trustworthy and loyal and brave people can be from my mum’s example, as well as the darker and weaker example my dad set. Now I am married to a man I love very much

Because it sums up why you were right to leave and why you are right to fight because of the example that her mum showed her in putting her first and how much she loved her. We cant protect our children from the world we can merely show them that we are there for them when needed and we will fight for them

All I can do is try and keep trying.

I just keep bashing myself for bringing him into this life. I know I was controlled but I feel so guilty. How long will I punish myself for!

50:50 care is what the courts want but it depends on the parties agreeing to it. From what you've written I don't believe for one second he will want to have sole care of your son for 3-4 days a week.

It's not the courts that force EOW and one night in the week as standard - it's what many men want. They don't want responsibility for regular childcare, dentist appointments, laundry, endless boring chat about Minecraft, etc. A man as selfish as their dad won't be wanting to take that on will he? How hands on is he now? When was the last time he arranged the dentist visit or a haircut or bought new socks?

Make sure you’ve got lots of photos of the state of the house inside if he’s smashed it up.

I just keep bashing myself for bringing him into this life. I know I was controlled but I feel so guilty

You will recover from this but currently you are in the eye of the storm. Divorce from an abusive man is horrendous as they use the legal system to bully and intimidate you. I completely understand where you are as I was made ill as a result.

I wasn't functioning enough during the divorce phase to think clearly so Ex's benefit. I have had a rollercoaster of emotions since, relief it was over and then upset that he was allowed to lie and hide money to finally, acceptance. As you have a young child he will still have to be in your life and the bullying will sadly continue as these men do not change however the interaction does not have to be high and becomes more manageable.Grey Rock all the way.

Ex fought for a higher level of contact as he wanted to reduce payments however he doesn't step up to the schedule and I am having to decide if it worth my energy and health to go back to change the order. With a "normal" person this should be straightforward but it is always war with an abusive man.

I don't know if you can share figures but sites like wikidivorce might help. You are unlikely to get a completely fair settlement with an abusive man because they will lie and hide money however it is important you try to get sufficient to be able to provide a secure future for your son.
Longterm I know that whilst my DC are impacted by seeing Ex the fact that I offer a healthier family life means that they will be more balanced. I already see this as they know Ex is selfish, manipulative and angry. In some ways it will help them to learn about toxic individuals.

I’ve just been to my first freedom programme. Very good and I will keep going. All these men are the same. They are all at different stages in there relationships but the men are identical.

I got a bit of clarity about the contact I have stopped and can see it in a better different way.

Was disheartening to hear some of the stories about how authorities not listening. This is my biggest worry. That I’m not taken seriously. He is the type of man to go for 50/50, even if he doesn’t want to. No, he has done absolutely nothing for Ds that requires responsibility like doc, dentist etc. He wants ownership without responsibility.

He wants power to control the situation for his personal convenience so that he can make you do all the drudge work

100%!
Me, I just want to get this divorce over with. Sort out the finances. Do whatever we have to do to cause as little stress as possible to Ds. Do our best to co-parent.
Then sort myself out and move on.
Him.........