Here’s my experience. It’s from the perspective of a child whose parent’s had a long, hard fought divorce.
My mum and dad’s divorce took about 7 years to sort. Then the financial aftermath took about the same again to sort out.
My dad was physically and emotionally abusive to my mum. He tried all kinds of intimidation tactics before and during the divorce to get her to go away quietly. From hitting her whilst they were still together to sending a male friend round to “have a word” after they split.
My mum pieced together the legal fees from a combination of Legal Aid at times, money from working when she could, bits of money from friends and family. And a lot of reading up on law for herself and working out what to do.
My dad tried all kinds of things- didn’t pay child support after the first couple of years, went bankrupt (whilst hiding money with his family) so that there would be bankruptcy proceeding over the house as well as a divorce case. All that took over a decade to sort out.
But my mum did end up with some money to live on and a house to live in.
When I was younger I thought she would have been better walking away earlier and just rebuilding her life (she was about your age when they split up). I spoke to her about it when I was in my twenties. She said a few things about it.
Firstly, that sometimes in life you just have to stand your ground even if it means a fight, for your own sanity and self-respect. She also knew he would just find other ways to harass her if she backed down.
Secondly, she knew if she gave up fighting, we would be homeless, as the local council might think she had made herself and me voluntarily homeless, so would be able to refuse to house us (and she wouldn’t have money to buy again). She couldn’t bear to think of me homeless.
And lastly, she said that the only thing that would ever make me heal about my dad abandoning me was if she fought to protect me. That I had to know that I was loved and protected as a child to ever have a real chance at security and happiness later in life. She said she remembered seeing me after my dad stopped contact (same time as he stopped paying child support) and realising what the impact on me was. I was about 7 or 8, I was curled up on my bed, staring at the wall, not even crying, just staring at the wall. She said realised my heart was broken.
So she fought like a lioness. She fought not just my dad but the legal team of a bank. In the end she won. She ended up with money and a house she owned (not the same house, but a house). It made a huge difference to her in retirement- she was able to retire at 60 rather than working later because she had a house. It is so fortunate she had that time, because sadly she died at 67 from breast cancer. She spent her retirement doing the things she loved- drawing, painting, sewing, gardening and cooking. She was so happy.
Every piece of emotional security I have is rooted in what my mum did for me. I would never have been able to trust someone enough to let them in, if I hadn’t seen how trustworthy and loyal and brave people can be from my mum’s example, as well as the darker and weaker example my dad set. Now I am married to a man I love very much.
And to be honest, a lot of the practical security is down to her too. When she died, she left me her house. I would have really struggled to get on the property ladder without that. Now, I’m in my forties and I am unable to work due to illness, so that practical/financial security made my life so much better than it could have been.
So only you know your circumstances. I know my mum had a lot of dark, lonely, weary moments were she nearly stopped fighting. In case this is one of those moments for you, and what you are looking for is encouragement to keep going, I’ll say that I’m glad my mum fought on.