I’m at t he point of walking away from everything in divorce. Please help!

[Movingon83]

Some opinions please. I’m at a point where im absolutely fed up with my divorce. At the end of the day I win because I’ve left with my life intact a horribly emotionally abusive man.

My lawyer says an occupation order is finally balanced as to whether id win because I left the house with Ds (3). I left by force because he bullied me out. So do I not bother with the order, I really don’t have money to spend especially if not successful.

When I left in Feb my H’s last words were I will make you suffer, you will never get me out. So I know he will drag this out as long as possible because I had the confidence to leave him.

He will never agree on any financial order which leaves me ok financially. He wants 50:50 on the house and to walk away with pension and savings intact. So basically 70/30 in his favour.

Fighting him could cost me everything I have. Is there any point fighting against a narcissist. Do I just walk away with my head high and leave him the money he wants???

The house has massive emotional connection to me that he is and will exploit. It was the house my mum grew up in and me and my dad decorated it together as H wasn’t interested in doing any work. My dad then died so I have a lot of memories doing it together. I have and trying really had to take my emotions out of it and just see bricks!

I know its why he won’t move out. He has power of my emotions staying put. He could quite easily rent a small place for the time being, would be less money then he currently pays out. Maybe he would also be able to take care of a smaller place as he is destroying this house. It’s a pig sty! Very upsetting giving all the work me and my dad did.

I can see how you are between a rock and a hard place. I really feel for you. You must feel trapped by this man and totally unsettled for the future. All I can suggest is to put your head down and plough on with court. At least it will put an end to this. it's an awful way to live but it will end.

That’s all I have to keep me going, one day this will be over.

You are absolutely right. He will exploit every emotion he can so try not to feed him. It must be very raw for you. I am so sorry. My ex husband tried to push every button he could through our court case but I detached myself. I didn't react at all and by the end I got a bit of a kick out of seeing him humiliate himself.

There is nothing he can say to me that he hasn’t hundreds of times before. The difference is then I was under his control and now I’m not!

He is a looser and his arguments are ridiculous to ears other than his.

£15k is a very small pension pot for someone in well paid job. How old is he and how did you work out That figure ?

He only moved to the uk 13 years ago, came with nothing. He wasted a lot of £££. I set this pension up putting £200 a month in. That figure is just what he has paid in.

Thanks for explaining about his pension. Hasn’t his employer paid into it too?

It’s sure you know that all your pensions and savings accrued during the marriage are marital assets, regardless of who paid into them. Same as the house.

KOKO you are doing great.

Is the pension CETV the same as what’s just in the pot right now?

Yes. The CETV is its' current value ie contributions plus accrued investment profit.

Final salary pensions are different. Transfer values are what the fund will give you if you decide to transfer out. They are often worth a lot more.

If it's the one you set up for your husband, it won't be final salary.

You could be awarded the right to stay in the house until DC are adults. Not a clean break but you could stay and if, hopefully, you are able to recover a bit when he's gone you might be able to buy him out later.

@ TorkTorkBam that would be my best outcome and ds.

Ask the solicitor. It is a very common scenario and outcome.

Today little one was sick in the night, I’ve spoken to the layer, had 3 estate agents round to value the house and now I’m off to the dentist!!!! Today officially sucks!!!

And it got worse....solicitor just rang me to say he called them shouting and swearing demanding to see Ds. Then they asked me if I’m sure I want to keep my stance....Wtf, should I be changing my mind now!?

He was abusive towards a solicitor?
I mean is you’d solicit good? Because they should be recording that and using it in court.
That’s not acceptable behaviour

They seem very good. I don’t know if they recorded it tho. He is angry they are not responding quick enough even tho it took him weeks to initiate anything. I feel bad. I really do. I couldn’t imagine not seeing Ds and someone stopping me.

They're not very good if his sweary rant resulted in them asking if you wanted to capitulate.

They sound rubbish.

I'd interview around and find someone more aggressive. These ones don't sound capable of dealing with someone like him.

She said she has heard it many time’s before. But it doesn’t change my view. She then agreed that I should not change what I’m asking. She rang because he told her a lie and she wanted to make sure it wasn’t true...which it wasn’t! But still I was bit thrown when she said do you still want to go ahead with my decision.

2nd freedom programme session done. I just realised I have no idea who I am. My likes and dislikes were so intertwined with his. Now I’m just a mum, looking after Ds and getting through each day alive. My brain is focused on getting through this.
I get fixated on everything I have lost. He ruined everything. Being a mother to a new baby, buying and renovating our first house, first holiday with Ds (didn’t speak to me for 2 days) he ruined my dads death and his last year. He has taken so much from me.

Yes but it’s a new decade and you’re still standing and there is so much more to come KOKO

Think on the future not the past. You will build a new you. What do you want new you to be like? In a couple of years time let's say you have a new friend who is inviting you along to some event with her mates so she is describing what you are like to them. What does she say?

Yesterday eve H turned up to where I’m staying asking to see ds. This is the first time he has since getting the no contact letters from my lawyer. I feel so so s**t asking him to leave. He looked so sad, asking me why I’m doing this to him. It’s been 5 weeks I think since he saw Ds, solicitors are taking some time. I’ve offered supervised but he probably won’t get that letter till next week. I don’t think it’s an act. He genuinely doesn’t think he has done anything wrong and doesn’t no why I’ve stopped contact. I no that I’m just trying to keep Ds safe but this feels horrible!!!