I’m at t he point of walking away from everything in divorce. Please help!

[Movingon83]

Some opinions please. I’m at a point where im absolutely fed up with my divorce. At the end of the day I win because I’ve left with my life intact a horribly emotionally abusive man.

My lawyer says an occupation order is finally balanced as to whether id win because I left the house with Ds (3). I left by force because he bullied me out. So do I not bother with the order, I really don’t have money to spend especially if not successful.

When I left in Feb my H’s last words were I will make you suffer, you will never get me out. So I know he will drag this out as long as possible because I had the confidence to leave him.

He will never agree on any financial order which leaves me ok financially. He wants 50:50 on the house and to walk away with pension and savings intact. So basically 70/30 in his favour.

Fighting him could cost me everything I have. Is there any point fighting against a narcissist. Do I just walk away with my head high and leave him the money he wants???

That sounds really awful, they are really horrible people. I find it very difficult carrying on with it all. I think he thinks I’ll walk away if he drags his feet as long as possible. I have considered just that to be free of him. But as people have said on here we have a child together so I’ll never be free of him. Might as well get as much as I can.

I like the olden days term "mental cruelty". Sometimes that's easier to stomach than "abuse" as you get your head round it.

I’m really tired of having all these memories. So many terrible things I’d burred. Does it get easier. I don’t want these memories. I try and look forward.

The memories will lose their sting, lose their power over time. There are techniques you can use to desensitise yourself to old bad memories.

I hope so. It’s hard to look back at things. Things that should have been happy events. When I try and think about my dad and his passing all I remember is that H completely trashed it. It almost killed me, it was so bad. It was bad enough that I watched my amazing dad shrivel up and die but the way H behaved adds salt to the wound.

Every day I wake up, take care of ds but I’m not enjoying being alive. I feel terrible saying that. Only my love for my little boy is keeping me alive right now. I feel like I’m in chains or a straight jacket.

It will get easier OP, but it takes time.

If you think of your Ex as a nasty, ugly tumour - the divorce process is the treatment to cut him out of your life. Being treated for a tumour is hard! It's a long, exhausting process.

But once the treatment is over, the healing can begin. You'll get there but you are in the eye of the storm at the moment.

That’s a great analogy. All I am doing is surviving each day. Some days like today I shout at ds and I feel terrible. He didn’t even do anything, just usual 3 year old not listening. I hate that have this darkness hanging over me all the time. I went back to the family home to get my post. I’m tired of seeing it a mess, seeing H not coping. I don’t want to see him not coping it makes me feel crap. I wouldn’t go but I needed to get something. It also upsets me that he just won’t leave, can’t he see he can’t cope with the house. I want this over!!!!!

Your stbxh is actually coping. The way he chooses to live his life is not a way you would choose to live, the way he keeps house is not how you would keep it. Sure, he thinks a woman should keep house for him and he is willing to live like a pig if a woman won't do it for him. Sure, he thinks a woman is responsible for being his emotional punching bag so he can feel good and if she refuses to be available for emotional punching he chooses to wallow in pig sty emotions. This is not failure to cope. This is refusal to adapt. This is refusal to stop being a pig.

His "not coping" should be making you angry. He is trying to make you wipe his arse then when you refuse he's showing you his shitty arse and nappy rash. Nothing he has to do to "cope" is in any way abnormal for an adult. Find the angry.

Sorry what I meant was I’m sick of having to physically go into the shit hole of my former home rooting for my shit under his shit and have his pathetic, self pittying crap shoved in my face every time I step foot in.....that makes me feel crap. Not coping wrong choice of word there.....living like the shit head prick he was before I met him is a better word. It’s pathetic, he makes me pity him.

And then in return I pitty myself for pittying him and for picking up said shit for 11years!!!

Can you take a robust friend with you when you visit?

It’s fine really, just one of those days. I’ll be happy when I don’t have access to his house and life.

Can I just ask a question about finances. I have a small amount saved in my savings account and a slightly smaller amount on a credit card as I’ve had to have quiet a bit of work done on my teeth. I put the teeth money on an interest free credit card as I wanted to use the savings for lawyer. When I hand over my financial information will it look like I have money in savings even tho 80% of it would be gone if I paid credit card off. I’m not sure whether to just pay it off as that’s a true reflection of how much money I have. But then will be short when my more lawyer bills come in!!

When you fill our financial disclosures - it will apply your cr.card dept against your balances.
There is also a place to put in lawyers fees as outstanding liabilities.

Ah cool, thank you for replying. I’ve been sat here thinking shall I just pay off the credit card, yes no yes no. Glad I didn’t as I want that cash for the lawyer. Also OMG I can make him pay my fees. He has been dragging and dragging this on making me scrimp and save my universal credit to try and get something going forward. He said to me a year ago now I’ll make you suffer, you’ll never get me out the house.....can I really make him pay towards them? I believe I ticked a box on the divorce application saying I wouldn’t get him to pay them..but back then I was controlled and stupid!!!!

Oh bugger I read that msg wrong...:but could I make him pay some of my fees as he’s doing this on purpose???

It all depends on assets and if he has more on his name. Judge should deduct total legal fees from total marital assets. If there is a pot to divide that is.

Yes you can agree that as part of the settlement your dh pays the solicitor fees.

What happens if I’ve been paying as I go along, could I re-coup some if they deem him to be behaving unreasonable ?

Yes, I did this with my divorce. We agreed that paying my fees would be covered by him. I did have to relent in something as a result, but it was something I didn't want and would have let him have anyway

So for example he can keep the car but owes me say £5,000 for the fees I’ve paid