I’m at t he point of walking away from everything in divorce. Please help!

[Movingon83]

Some opinions please. I’m at a point where im absolutely fed up with my divorce. At the end of the day I win because I’ve left with my life intact a horribly emotionally abusive man.

My lawyer says an occupation order is finally balanced as to whether id win because I left the house with Ds (3). I left by force because he bullied me out. So do I not bother with the order, I really don’t have money to spend especially if not successful.

When I left in Feb my H’s last words were I will make you suffer, you will never get me out. So I know he will drag this out as long as possible because I had the confidence to leave him.

He will never agree on any financial order which leaves me ok financially. He wants 50:50 on the house and to walk away with pension and savings intact. So basically 70/30 in his favour.

Fighting him could cost me everything I have. Is there any point fighting against a narcissist. Do I just walk away with my head high and leave him the money he wants???

It is hard to come out of the FOG. You have been trained to always put his emotions above everything else. It is dangerous.

See, his inability to see what he has done wrong should be terrifying to you. It should have you worrying if he is a psychopath or something. The things he did wrong are obviously bad, if he can't see it then he is properly nuts.

Over time you will start to feel the cold chill instead of sad guilt when he pulls this shit.

Your normal person common sense will return. It will get easier.

Half of me thinks is this just for show and half of me thinks yeah he was a dick of a husband and a slob but what happens if he genuinely loves Ds.

It’s probably a cop out but he isn’t from the UK, he was from a “3rd world country” (sorry if that sounds bad I don’t know how to word it) and he has crap parents. Yes he is controlling but is there a chance he doesn’t know how to raise a child?

He may not know how.
But that doesn't mean he should be allowed anywhere near a child.
And it is incredibly racist to indicate that people from any other country don't know how to love and raise children. Some societies may have different rules, laws and customs, but most people in all societies know how to care for their children.
Your ex may well have been mistreated in childhood but that doesn't mean that is the norm for his society. And if it is a cause for him to be the way he is, that is the same for most/all abusers.

Yes sorry I meant no malice by my comment. It’s something he has told me. Racist it isn’t, I have never said he is different race from me or made any form of discrimination. He simply grew up in a different county without a lot of the infrastructure we have here etc. But sorry if it came across like that!

He was left as a child to fend for himself a lot.

Sorry I’m digging a hole trying to excuse him!

Fight in what you believe in. You left for a reason. To protect you and your child. You are doing the right thing. Don't give up. FIGHT. you can win this.

Yes he has an awful back story. But that doesn't excuse him.
It's hard how our own prejudices (even those we wish to overcome) can be used against us. These people use instinctively all kinds of ways to get inside your head and use them to manipulate. Not everyone from an awful background grows up to be abusive, and even if it was "inevitable" they should be seeking help and restricting their behaviour. He should have sought help from professionals not sought to use you to overcome his** inner issues.
If you break your leg you go to a doctor, not try to break the legs of those you are close to.

What if he genuinely loves DS? Well then he'd be seeking every kind of external support going, he'd be removing himself from DS to avoid damaging Ds, he'd be supporting you to provide the best most stable environment for DS. Let's say you got some deadly contagious disease: would you cling DS to you tightly or would you desperately set up a safe environment for him elsewhere?

It is sad his upbringing was rough. It is sad it has damaged him. It is human to feel sad for him. It does not follow that he is allowed to hurt whomever he likes.

Action. Outcomes. These matter more than angst.

Despite how you feel, you're doing really well. Don't give up. One day at a time, stick to your guns, stop feeling sorry for him, stick with the freedom programme, keep a diary, and take him to court for your house, your inheritance deposit, decent CM, and everything else you can get. It will get better, it will take time but you will come out the other side.

I know what you are all saying, I wish I could switch these feelings off.

Emotions happen. You can't control whether you feel them or not.

Actions do not just happen. You can control what you do and do not do.

You can feel an emotion like anger or guilt but choose not to lash out or capitulate.

Training yourself to feel the fear and do it anyway is a better goal than the impossible goal of controlling what emotions you feel.

For example, I am actually a very emotional person but what people see is a calm stable assertive exterior. I have all kinds of churning emotions inside me. I have taught myself over the years to listen to what they are telling me then choose my actions. A toxic upbringing means I can't trust my emotions to be telling me things that actually help me, for example I feel creeping dread in situations that nobody else would find worrisome. I'd be a total doormat if I obeyed my emotions.

You might like the book The Chimp Paradox.

I think it gives helpful analogies for those of us coming from abusive backgrounds. I certainly find it helpful to notice that's my chimp and that's a gremlin and hmm, I need to give the chimp some love why does that sound smutty? it wasn't meant to be!.

They said at the meeting to look at the actions and not what you see and hear! Like you said he wants to see Ds but has done nothing to show he is concerned about his environment and welfare and mental stability.

Exactly!

He feels sorry for himself and now I feel sorry for him. I’m also suffering, I wonder if he sits at home not sleeping over his actions towards me?! NO

Anyone who has been here. If H smokes weed but says he doesn’t around child would that be acceptable to a judge? I bloody hate it so it isn’t acceptable to me.

Also I’ve been having theses funny thoughts/flashbacks. Sometimes I’m talking and imputing my opinions to people or just thinking to myself. For instance I had this memory of H discussing cheating, maybe in a conversation to someone else. Then he said to me if you ever cheat on my I’ll kill him and you. I thought he was joking. Or he was talking to me about a friend at work who was getting divorced to this “money grabbing bitch” of a women. I would say there are always 2 sides to the story. He would carry on about this women and how he would take her down e.t.c.

My thoughts had been conditioned and I didn’t even realise. Some of my thoughts are ridiculous and I think where did that come from. He was showing me his cards and what would happen to me wasn’t he?

Yes he was. It’s good that you can see this now. Understandably it takes some time and space to work it all through.

I was like a well trained dog! I became so boring so that as few things as possible could upset him. That was not me, I was so bright and colourful.

You had to change your personality to avoid the abuse.

I really struggle with the term abuse as I loved him. It’s very hard to see it as that. Some days I think I’m making it up.

I walked away from a home that I solely owned, most of my possessions, was gas lighted in to quitting a job that I had done for 27 years, lost my sanity due to the treatment exh dished out to me including raping me, I was half dead, tried to commit suicide 3 times in the 9 months we were in & out if court. 10 years on from that I still beat myself up for walking away from everything that I had worked & paid for. It may feel like he is putting you through hell at the moment, but please try to find the strength to keep fighting, you won't be going through this forever. Speak to Women's Aid & get some support to get you through this, if you can when you have been to court or seen your solicitor, try to put all thoughts about what is happening out of your head, treat it like a job, the moment you walk out of the solicitor's office or the court, shut the door on what has happened until the next time you have to go again. If you feel your solicitor isn't doing their best for you, find another solicitor who will, Women's Aid may be able to help you find one.