Boyfriends dad convicted of rape. Help

[Allison8]

My bf told me early in our relationship that his father has been in prison for years because he was convicted of dozens of rapes on an underage boy. he told me that his father was innocently convicted and gave several examples of why. I have suspected that my boyfriend has left things out from the story and found the judgment on the web. There I read ceveral things that makes me very sure that his father is guilty. he was also convicted of downloading pictures of naked children. He have also done other crimes in the past that he told me about. My bf and his dad have a very close relationship (best friends) and we see him all the time. Me and my bf have also talked about getting children in the future, but Im now scared of this. I have not told my bf I have read the judgment. What would you do?

my boyfriend have been manipulated to believe that these things didnt happen. He really dont think it happen. I'm together with a man who think his father is all good - but your BF is minimising what happened; he doesn't want to find out any bad about his father!

He is minimising what his father did by saying he (bf) was in the room - his F has told him he was in the room when the 'alleged' attacks took place, bf has taken F word for it, therefore the 'attack didn't happen.' Rather than challenge his father's word, on the date/time/place of the attack (which he was convicted for!)

He minimised the attack(s) by saying the child/family only want money.

He is minimising the looking at child images, which the F freely admitted turned him on [boak] by saying it was only a few, and they were clothed

He doesn't want to admit his father, who is his best friend and presumably a good laugh and a person to chat to, is a paedophile! He has probably been groomed all his life to accept his father's perversions, in that he thinks it's all 'normal' and the child probably wanted it (for money) and dear father is being set up and IT'S ALL NORMAL!

And you would bring your kids (when you have them) to this man? You would allow your Dear Boyfriend to take them to this man, knowing that your dear Boyfriend thinks that even if dear father abuses them, it's either - normal, or it's their own fault?

That is what will happen if you have kids with your bf. They will be exposed to abuse, because your BF and his monster of a father think it's all fine

IF your BF was repulsed by his monster of a father, IF he went NC with this pig, IF he agreed that NO child should be near him, much less your own kids, then he would not be a lost cause.

But he doesn't. He is almost as bad as his father.

GET OUT NOW!

I agree with the above poster; you're not going to be able to undo 21 years of grooming and brain washing (presuming he's the same age as you). I'm sorry, op.

Also do you really want to send your life being the woman whose father in law is a convicted paediphile & child rapist - to potential friends, acquaintances, work colleagues etc etc. People talk. Lots of people will give you a wide berth because of it, and your kids will get the same too.

Your life doesn't have to be like that, you could have a normal one with someone else.

*spend

I will never have children with him if he choose his dad over his children. Never.

What happens when he says your children will never have to spend time with this dad, but then once you have kids, he changes his mind? And if you split, then he will be able to let his dad have access to your children if he wants.

I agree with @Highonpotandused. His words mean nothing. He's already chosen to believe his dad (even if he has been brainwashed into it) so I don't think you could ever trust him with any children.

I'd also consider the fact that, if your bf is a victim or part of the abuse, you also couldn't trust him around friends children, nieces and nephews etc.

I'm not having a pop at you or saying your boyfriend is like his dad, but I don't think I'd be willing to take that risk.

I cry just thinking about leaving him, its really hard.

Not nearly as much as your children are going to cry when they're abused by their grandfather.

Leave. Now.

Your bf will never believe his father is guilty, if you want children you definitely need to leave. Imagine your fears and extreme anxiety when he’s let out of prison. One of my colleagues father is a convicted peadophile and she’s adamant he’s innocent, he got out about a year ago and she regularly lets him see her child, child’s dad also works at the same place and he’s extremely uncomfortable with the situation but doesn’t do shit about it.

There is a real problem with denial and it can run deep. My friend was repeatedly raped by her maternal grandfather. Her grandmother was in the bedroom ('asleep') whilst it was happening. I truly believe that her mother was also raped by him. In such denial, the mother sent the daughter to stay with them until she was a young adult. She was also in denial that it had happened. A cousin disclosed that it had happened to her too...all hell broke loose but eventually it was covered up. Denial is often conflated with collusion. It is so complex and such a powerful coping mechanism for some - and so harmful to others.

'Getting children'??

I don't see you have a choice. You'd never be able to leave your dc with your bf's dad. Your bf doesn't believe his dad is guilty, despite evidence to the contrary.

I'd end it and find an easier bunch of in-laws.

olivertwistwantsmore
OP has already explained she is not in the UK and English is not her first language, hence the getting/having children confusion.

Cheers @HerRoyalFattyness, have just rtft.

Even if he is innocent, I am sure it will work the same as the uk where social services will be involved when you have children. It may be that if your boyfriend continues with contact and fails to safeguard your child (you will be seen to fail them to) You lose your child

Honestly, we’ve all been young and in love. But most of us are a bit older and wiser now, we know it’s hard to leave someone when your young. But it’s a lot easier now and you will be ok. There will be other men, without this complication. You don’t need it.

@Graphista Actually, I did mention that there is a strong likelihood that the son, OP's BF might have been abused himself and/or has pedophile inclinations. I personally believe that the BF is trying to slowly erode OP's boundaries to lure her into a sense of false security and gaslight her about the level of abuse.

Run

You have been only with him for a year. A year is not a very significant period of time. You are only 21. This is not worth it.

I have a severe case of deja vu.
I think in November or December 2019 there was a thread (now deleted) with a teacher that has been with the bf for years, I think just bought a house and his father was also a sex offender who had beenor was in jail and the son said his father was innocent.

Didn't end well, needless to say

OP, you are extremely lucky in ways that many women aren’t - you know about this now, before having children into a family that contains a paedophile.

You may not plan to have children for years but accidents happen. If you’re not ready to leave yet, please make sure your contraception is absolutely bullet proof - long acting contraceptive such as the coil or injection plus condoms, every time. The last thing you need is a surprise pregnancy.

As for your bf, I’m not surprised he’s in denial. I was sexually abused by my own father and for years I made excuses for him to myself - it was an accident, a misunderstanding, I was wrong, I did something wrong, etc. I truly believed that. I would not be at all surprised if your bf has also experienced sexual abuse (he allegedly shared a room with his father and an another child while that child was sexually abused). At the least he’s had a lifetime of emotional abuse and gaslighting.

You need to get away from this situation. Do it now, before a pregnancy happens.