Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriends dad convicted of rape. Help

216 replies

Allison8 · 14/01/2020 17:30

My bf told me early in our relationship that his father has been in prison for years because he was convicted of dozens of rapes on an underage boy. he told me that his father was innocently convicted and gave several examples of why. I have suspected that my boyfriend has left things out from the story and found the judgment on the web. There I read ceveral things that makes me very sure that his father is guilty. he was also convicted of downloading pictures of naked children. He have also done other crimes in the past that he told me about. My bf and his dad have a very close relationship (best friends) and we see him all the time. Me and my bf have also talked about getting children in the future, but Im now scared of this. I have not told my bf I have read the judgment. What would you do?

OP posts:
Allison8 · 15/01/2020 23:46

@YasssKween I do think it came out wrong. I think the image thing is disgusting. What I mean is that I'm not sure my boyfriend would cut all contact with his father because of the images only. Which is okay, if he dont bring kids to his father. He couldve done something wrong 9 years ago and never do it again. (now I'm only taking about the image case)

OP posts:
aroundtheworldyet · 15/01/2020 23:49

It didn’t come out wrong
I got what you said perfectly well

YasssKween · 15/01/2020 23:52

I think the image thing is disgusting.
Good

What I mean is that I'm not sure my boyfriend would cut all contact with his father because of the images only.
I couldn't be with someone who made that choice but you can it seems. Your prerogative.

Which is okay, if he dont bring kids to his father.
Is it really? It's okay? With you? As in you would feel okay staying with him and your boyfriend being his "best friend" if you had definitive proof he 'only' looked at the images? Again I couldn't be with someone who made that choice. Your prerogative.

He couldve done something wrong 9 years ago and never do it again. (now I'm only taking about the image case)
If someone watched video or looked at photos of a child being sexually abused - because that is what happened - then he is very likely to have already done more of it than he admits to. And regardless if he 'only' looked at the pictures, that would be enough for me to not be with someone who wanted to be his "best friend" and maintain a relationship with him. Finally, again... your prerogative.

I cannot begin to tell you how naive you sound.

Are you going to sit down with your boyfriend and discuss the details of the judgement or are you going to choose not to?

Allison8 · 16/01/2020 00:01

@YasssKween I am. I just need some time to think about how. And I would really like if you stopped commenting if all you wanna say is that I'm prerogative and naive as that is not helping.

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 16/01/2020 00:02

You don't need time to think about how

Just do it

Neverwrestlewithapig · 16/01/2020 00:05

Op, by ‘your prerogative’ the poster means that it is your choice. It’s not an insult.

Allison8 · 16/01/2020 00:09

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor This isn't easy, I've believed my boyfriend for a year. And he has opened up to me and I have supported him. It will be hard for him knowing I've changed my mind. And if he havent read the judgment and belive his father is guilty when he do, I really wanna be by his side the best I can

OP posts:
cabbageking · 16/01/2020 00:09

The son is repeating what the father has told him. No one wants to believe their father is capable of sex crimes. He was 12 and has been fed a line.
It won't have been one image and it wasn't one rape.
The father is and always will be a sex offender.
He has been in prison for 9 years for rape so far and I assume he was given at least 15 years due to the seriousness of the case?
Your BF needs to know the details of the case to be able to accept the crime and separate from the father.

Allison8 · 16/01/2020 00:09

@Neverwrestlewithapig oh thank you for clearing up, in my language it translated to priviliged.

OP posts:
Allison8 · 16/01/2020 00:11

@cabbageking he was in for 3-4 years, not 9. He got out years ago

OP posts:
cabbageking · 16/01/2020 00:17

Thank you for clearing that up. I missed that.

Bit surprised he only got 3/4 years when the starting point is @ 8 -10 years?
How reliable is the information poster?

74NewStreet · 16/01/2020 00:22

I’m not mocking your English, I was taking issue with what you said, op. Your English is pretty damn perfect when it suits you, it seems,

Allison8 · 16/01/2020 00:24

@cabbageking Very reliable. Years ago, in the country I live in (which is not uk) the prison time for sex crimes were really low. Today he wouldve gotten 5 years, which is still far too low.

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 16/01/2020 00:25

This is a horrible situation for you.

If you want a family one day you have to leave him....

Allison8 · 16/01/2020 00:26

@74NewStreet You did mock it in the beginning though. But it's okay haha

OP posts:
74NewStreet · 16/01/2020 00:27

No, I did not.

Allison8 · 16/01/2020 00:31

@74newstreet you told me to get off because my english was bad, but the comment was removed. I don't care as long as you've stopped

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 16/01/2020 00:51

Sorry to be blunt, but have you ever considered that your boyfriend might have the same 'interests as his father, to be able to minimise such horrific crimes? Have you checked his online history?

cabbageking · 16/01/2020 01:00

The son aged 11/12 was in the room when these rapes happened?
They believe the victim did it for money?
Court didn't believe your bfs evidence?
There was also obscene pictures of children downloaded.
Father was given 3 - 4 year which he served abroad as you lived there.
The BF told you about it and you also found it on a website without names, details, place names etc?
You have been with bf a year.
Sorry but it sounds so very vague and I am going to leave it there.

Allison8 · 16/01/2020 01:07

@cabbageking I'm sorry, but I dont understand. What sounds vague?

OP posts:
YouNeedToCalmDown · 16/01/2020 01:13

I think because in some countries, crime details are not widely available, some posters are piling on and growing suspicious that you may be a troll Allison8.

For what it's worth I believe you, and I think you are very sensible to realise there are going to be issues going forward if you continue this relationship.
I think it will be difficult for you now, but you will save yourself heartbreak in the future if you break it off now. You are also protecting your future children.

I would explain to your boyfriend why. It actually is the kindest thing to do. It may help him wake up and begin to reexamine the lies he has been told by his father.

Flowers
Allison8 · 16/01/2020 01:29

@youneedtocalmdown thank you

All I can say is I'm not a troll, I dont know how to prove that. Where I live the judgment usually is on the web, but not details like names etc to shield those involved. Thats what I'm doing also, I will not tell personal details as I dont want the involved to find/read this

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 16/01/2020 03:38

OP I've just caught up and read that you said your boyfriend was supposedly in the room when these rapes (plural) happened.

At the very least, your boyfriend has been severely emotionally abused by his dad and has been forced to give him an alibi. The alternative is that he was either involved in some way - voluntarily or otherwise.

Even if the boy had made it all up, which I sincerely doubt given the fact his dad has admitted to being a paedophile, he's still done something incredibly inappropriate to even be in a position where he could be accused. How did he know the victim? Why were they ever alone in a room together?

I highly doubt his dads version of events, and the fact your boyfriend defends him after all of that says a lot. I'd leave before you get too invested.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 16/01/2020 03:40

Just one additional thought about leaving - if you don't, make sure your birth control is used 100% correctly.
Don't rely on condoms because he can jeopardise them.
I'd be concerned that, if they both are or were involved and share similar 'interests', they wouldn't think twice about manipulating you into breeding their next victim.

Graphista · 16/01/2020 04:15

The unpalatable points that many posters are either avoiding saying or possibly hasn’t occurred to them...

1 There’s a VERY high likelihood your bf was also victimised by this excuse of a man.

2 Given his attitude there’s also a high possibility your bf is also a paedophile.

Although 1 doesn’t necessarily have to have happened to facilitate 2 and I don’t actually subscribe to the theory that paedophiles are more likely to have been victims themselves, that claim is generally a cop out used to elicit sympathy.

You will never have peace of mind staying in a relationship with this man, and potentially by having dc with him you could be creating future victims of either his father or him.

This will end in tears at some point anyway - better sooner than later and before more victims are created.

This is a perfect example of why these bastards once convicted should never be released in my opinion!

A year is no time at all. Get out now before it gets even harder to leave.

It’s REALLY easy to mess with a child’s memory re date/time/place plus victims don’t always remember those accurately - doesn’t mean the abuse didn’t happen!

NO! The image thing is not “ok” at all! People accessing those images are fuelling the industry that perpetuates the abduction and abuse of the children in those images! It is EVERY BIT as bad as carrying out the abuse themselves.

“they wouldn't think twice about manipulating you into breeding their next victim.” Yep agree with this.

Just leave him op, not worth the heartache of staying.

Swipe left for the next trending thread