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Original poster

Boyfriends dad convicted of rape. Help

216 replies

Allison8 · 14/01/2020 17:30

My bf told me early in our relationship that his father has been in prison for years because he was convicted of dozens of rapes on an underage boy. he told me that his father was innocently convicted and gave several examples of why. I have suspected that my boyfriend has left things out from the story and found the judgment on the web. There I read ceveral things that makes me very sure that his father is guilty. he was also convicted of downloading pictures of naked children. He have also done other crimes in the past that he told me about. My bf and his dad have a very close relationship (best friends) and we see him all the time. Me and my bf have also talked about getting children in the future, but Im now scared of this. I have not told my bf I have read the judgment. What would you do?

OP posts:
pollywobble · 14/01/2020 21:32

Chances are he is a victim of his father too there is a possibility that he has been groomed to get victims for daddy even if he breeds them

Run like the fucking wind

^^ This!

ferrier · 14/01/2020 23:32

Has your bf ever had counselling?

Original poster
Allison8 · 14/01/2020 23:49

I dont know

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 15/01/2020 00:06

I dont live in the uk and me and my bf Are from the same country.

Ah sorry I thought perhaps he'd zeroed in on a foreigner living here as someone who didn't know and might not easily find out about his dad.

But I still think the other part of my post - that he sees his dad as no threat, believes he's innocent, and us v high risk to have kids with.

Equanimitas · 15/01/2020 00:22

So kids wouldnt be an option now, that would be about 5 years on or so.

I'm afraid it wouldn't be an option at all, assuming you want your children to be kept safe.

I think it's incredibly unlikely that your boyfriend hasn't read the reports. It's only natural to google people you know, so if you were able to find the reports, it's highly likely that he was too.

Capricornandproud · 15/01/2020 00:28

The poor boy he did this too. His rapist is now out walking free and that child is no doubt serving a life sentence with the abuse.

Run like fuck op. No grey areas here for me.

Grumpelstilskin · 15/01/2020 07:34

In many countries the actual time served is a lot shorter than the sentence, so he might have got a lot longer than 3-4 years. As for your BF, at best he is minimising, at worst, he himself could have pedophile tendencies. Sounds like he has pretty bad boundaries when it comes to deviant behaviour.

Interestedwoman · 15/01/2020 07:57

Sorry to hear you're going through this OP :( I do think your BF is/was making excuses for his dad, and the family sound a bit rough. I'd leave if I were you, I think. Hugs xxxxx

@Grumpelstilskin 'In many countries the actual time served is a lot shorter than the sentence, so he might have got a lot longer than 3-4 years. '

Yes, I know this was in another country, but in the UK, unless they really play up in prison, people routinely only serve half their sentence before they're released. So he could've got 7 years and served 3.5.

PixieDustt · 15/01/2020 08:00

As soon as he mentioned that I would have been gone.
You know in your heart you can't continue but you need to find the strength too.
I wouldn't want to bring a child in this at all.

PixieDustt · 15/01/2020 08:00

To finish it*

Luckystar777 · 15/01/2020 08:16

The reasons why he's protecting the father don't matter. I'd have to leave.

KundaliniRising · 15/01/2020 08:40

The thing is op, if you have children with him and then split up, he will will be able to facilitate contact between the children and his father. The children could be groomed by both your boyfriend and his father to keep secrets from you, leaving them wide open to sexual abuse.

You would have no idea that anything untoward is happening untill it is too late.

You have a choice, choose wisely.

I could not be with someone whom supports a paedophile. I would question someones integrity if they did.

KundaliniRising · 15/01/2020 08:51

You are going to stay with him arnt you? Sad

KatherineJaneway · 15/01/2020 08:59

I will never have children with him if he choose his dad over his children.

He already has. He is his Dad and best friend, that won't change if you have kids together. Imagine you have a son and you bf takes him to be looked after by his Dad for the day because his Dad is 'innocent' so no harm will come to him, how will you handle that?

Clangus00 · 15/01/2020 09:13

@KundaliniRising I think so too.

Equanimitas · 15/01/2020 09:13

I will never have children with him if he choose his dad over his children.

What are you going to do if he tells you he's going NC with his dad, but changes his mind after the children are born?

TuppenceDarling · 15/01/2020 09:18

If you stay with this man you will NEVER be free of his father’s crime. He is an enabler.

Bluntness100 · 15/01/2020 09:19

He's a convicted paedophile. In the U.K. he would be on the sex offenders register and never be allowed to be with children. Obviously as we don't know what country you're in we can't comment on the process there.

You must know why your boyfriend is downplaying it. Because most women wouldn't countence being with a man whose father is a convicted paedo. He's read the judgement and he knows. I can sssure you of that.

ChuckleBuckles · 15/01/2020 09:26

OP you are very young and with him for 12 months, with respect I have had stuff in my freezer longer than that. It will not be the end of the world if you move on. There has been a lot of good advice here, and lots of comments on your BF and his dad and the dynamic that may exist between them, but I have to ask wtaf are you doing meeting regularly with a man that raped a child?

Are you happy and comfortable having a cup of tea or sharing a meal with someone who brutalizes children? Make no mistake they never change, the man who abused me had a long "career" of abusing kids, almost 50 years he was at it, the earliest victim of his was when he was 20 and he remained at it until he died in his 70's. Wake up to what you are actually involved with here and you are condoning it as much as your BF by meeting up with this man socially too.

HerRoyalFattyness · 15/01/2020 09:33

Hi OP

I'm sorry but you need to leave him.

My brother is in a relationship with a woman whose dad is a convicted paedophile.
She, of course, believes her dad is innocent.
My brother backs his partner. Although he agrees that people don't get convicted without evidence, he supports his partners wish to have a relationship with her dad.

They don't have children, and have been together a long time. They can't have children as long as she wants a relationship with her dad because social services would not allow the children around him. I'm not sure on the rules where you are, but I'd hope they'd be similar.

My brother has also lost contact with us. (His choice) He refuses to speak to the rest of the family now. One of the reasons he won't speak to me is because I refused to allow my children to spend any time at his home, as I cannot trust my brother not to have his father in law there.
As much as I love my brother, I do not trust his father in law. And I would never ever knowingly put my children anywhere near a paedophile, or a paedophile apologist.

So basically, stay and live a child free life, or leave and live your life free from the stigma.
My brother made his choice and not only is he now child free despite wanting children for a long time, he also has no contact with the rest of his family. He has been isolated due to his relationship with his father in law and his partners inability to accept his conviction.
Please don't let that happen to you.

VerySale · 15/01/2020 10:41

He believes his vile father. If you show him the judgement his dad will lie his way out and your BF will still believe him. This will cause nothing but problems between you.

Sagradafamiliar · 15/01/2020 10:47

Do you really want these people as your family? Do you really want to resign yourself to a life without kids, when you would have wanted them, because of being so closely involved with a paedophile?
You're so young. Pick another man to build a better future with.

YasssKween · 15/01/2020 11:05

If he accepted what his father has done and therefore wanted no contact with him I could support him through this.

If he, like your boyfriend, refused to accept the details and judgement as correct then I could not be with him.

He is supporting someone who has raped children. Even typing that makes me feel sick to my stomach and I don't know how you can lie next to him at night.

You've only been together a year. That is such a short amount of time to be considering taking on something this complicated and trying to work through it.

He has made a choice between his dad and his future family - his kids and long term partner (whether it's you or not).

His choice is IMO awful. I haven't been in his situation so cannot speak for him but wilful ignorance and denial is a choice. He has to deal with the consequences.

As I say, one year into a relationship it is troubling you are even considering as an option being with someone who has made the choice to support and maintain contact with someone who has done what his dad has done.

Choose to prioritise your future family, future happiness, future security and leave him.

WingingItSince1973 · 15/01/2020 12:59

Going to be brutal here but if you stay with him knowing what you know you are as bad as he is. Sorry but you'll be having regular contact with someone who held down and sexually abused/raped a child! In my opinion those type of people shouldn't ever be aloud to walk around amongst us but there you go. Welcome to the world of isolation and childless existence

Hoppinggreen · 15/01/2020 13:03

Do you think this mans father is guilty?
If so how can you spend time with his father too?
I don’t believe in guilt by association but if your boyfriend minimises this in any way I dint know how you can even look at either of them