Boyfriends dad convicted of rape. Help

[Allison8]

My bf told me early in our relationship that his father has been in prison for years because he was convicted of dozens of rapes on an underage boy. he told me that his father was innocently convicted and gave several examples of why. I have suspected that my boyfriend has left things out from the story and found the judgment on the web. There I read ceveral things that makes me very sure that his father is guilty. he was also convicted of downloading pictures of naked children. He have also done other crimes in the past that he told me about. My bf and his dad have a very close relationship (best friends) and we see him all the time. Me and my bf have also talked about getting children in the future, but Im now scared of this. I have not told my bf I have read the judgment. What would you do?

Just to clarify OP, as a PP said your prerogative means it's your choice - sorry if you thought I was insulting you, I wasn't. I was saying that it's up to you to make the decision not anyone else.

Regardless I wondered if you have decided whether to sit your boyfriend down and talk to him about the information you've found?

I don't see how you can do anything else really at this point as you will be going around in circles in your head if you don't discuss it with him.

Depends on if you want to welcome a rapist into your life? And that of any children or grandchildren that you may have.
Your dp won’t change his mind about his relationship. He may well be a victim too.

'ohwheniknow' is absolutely right. Do not even think about bringing a child into a family with a GF who is a multiple child rapist. The fact that your BF believes he is innocent makes him an unsuitable partner for any sensible woman.

But he believe this kid (who were poor) did this for the money

So your boyfriend believes that a child (a fuck*ng child!) either "seduced" his dad or lied about being raped, reported this to the authorities, went through the process of being extensively questioned by those authorities, went to trial and repeated all this in front of a judge and jury, a full legal process and not one person in that entire process questioned, queried or poked gaping holes in their story? A child pulled the wool over the eyes of that many experts in law, the legal system, social workers, whatever experts they have for abused kids in the legal system of your country? That is what your boyfriend believes and you believe he believes that? You are all as bad as each other.

it's just extemely hard because everything else in our relationship is perfect. I hate that his dad is ruining it all

Give it up people the OP is not going anywhere. She would rather minimise, justify and excuse away the rape of a child than give up the dream of a "perfect" boyfriend. It is as clear as day that the OP is perfectly comfortable having this man in her life and she will go on to have kids with him, then one day be "shocked" that they were harmed by good old grandad.

Needs a trigger warning on the title of this thread tbh I feel sick.

Can people stop saying I am as bad as him and so on? The reason it's hard is because my boyfriend have been manipulated to believe that these things didnt happen. He really dont think it happen. I'm together with a man who think his father is all good. Never have I minimized or excused any of these crimes! I got to know about them recently and asks for help on how to tell my bf what i believe and show him the judgment, which might make him severly depressed and shocked. Because I'm actually not sure he has read it. Everyone around him think this man isnt guilty, so thats what he grew up with.

None of you are in my head and know nothing about my thoughts about leaving

@bobstersmum the thread title mentions rape - that's enough of a trigger warning surely?

Tbh I want to delete this thread now as it makes me sick that people think I excuse rape.

This is my first thread, can anyone tell me how you delete it? I couldnt find out

Well it doesn't mention child rape, child porn, rape is bad enough, rape of a child is a different thing.

@bobstersmum
Rape isn’t enough of a trigger warning !! Ffs

@Allison8 you report your thread & say why you want it deleted.

The title could mention child abuse is that so hard? I don't know why you need to swear at me, maybe think to yourself why someone might be upset but reading this.

OP, let me give you an alternative perspective here, as previous posts have mostly dealt with morality and logistics of having children and being a family member of a convicted rapist.

1. no relationship is perfect. What you feel is perfect now simply has not shown it’s imperfections. I’d consider this revelation about convictions and the denial / blocked out truth to be pretty big imperfections, even though they’re nothing to do with the chemistry / humour / love between you two, they are still very relevant given the seriousness of offence. So don’t let yourself be swayed by how perfect you find your relationship to have been in the past 12 months. It will change as you both grow and change because you are very young.

2. also along the lines of your age, you have very little resilience / life experience that comes with regularly facing shitty challenges that the older people have: your tenderness is making you very soft-hearted, empathetic and tolerant. I believe someone in your situation who is about 10 years older who is really planning for kids soon would have much less issue with cutting ties and running far away.

If you love him very much and cannot see yourself with anyone else, then you are going to be taking on the mental burden of a. Handling your father in law with caution at all times once you have kids
b. Dealing with any problems that your boyfriend will develop if he finds out about the conviction / if he sees the truth and has to confront his own memories of his childhood
c. Protecting your children at all times and costs. As PP said, what if you became unable to care for your children / died? Then the kids will end up with their father and grandfather. It is a huge worry although perhaps the risks are not Sky-high, you just can’t predict the future.

Taking all this on by staying with your boyfriend will demand a lot of you, it will need you to leave the innocent world views behind and start looking at everyone with suspicion. It will change you and you will carry this for as long as you are living with him.

I hope you can see that from an outsider’s point of view.

I believe you are going to be able to find good relationships in your future, without feeling that you’ve left your one true soulmate. I don’t fully believe that there’s only one right person for each of us.

If you were my younger sister I’d drag you out of there immediately, even if you hated me for it for the rest of your life.

my boyfriend have been manipulated to believe that these things didnt happen. He really dont think it happen. I'm together with a man who think his father is all good

So unless he changes - totally changes - he's dangerous to children, because he'll give his father access to them.

How likely is it that he'll be able to completely change?

@puddlepop thank you, what youre saying is exactly how I feel.

@GilbertMarkham He will probably never change unless reading the judgment somehow do wonders. It changed my perspective on it from believing he was innocent to believeing hes guilty. It might change him too but Im afraid it wont and I'll have to leave.

I got to know about them recently and asks for help on how to tell my bf what i believe and show him the judgment, which might make him severly depressed and shocked. Because I'm actually not sure he has read it. Everyone around him think this man isnt guilty, so thats what he grew up with.

Same as above; how likely is it he's going to totally change ?

He should have read it himself.

Maybe he will be shocked and depressed - but it has to happen and if he doesn't go no contact with his child rapist father (which bi seriously doubt he will) your future kids and any other kids your bf could have around will be at risk.

Think about it slowly over a few days. Once the shock wears off you will probably know what is best and what is right for your unique situation, good luck and be strong Allison!

@puddlepop thank you, I will!

It might change him too but Im afraid it wont and I'll have to leave.

I'm really sorry op but I don't think it will - he's too close to his dad, too enmeshed, too brainwashed.

Tell him and talk to him about it by all means, but the best possible thing you can do is get out of the relationship and recover and later try to meet someone else. It's not a long relationship and you're very young.

Thus is too messy and too ugly to stay in, when you really don't have to.

*This

Run. you are being groomed.

it's just extemely hard because everything else in our relationship is perfect. I hate that his dad is ruining it all

First of all, it may seem perfect but it takes a long time to truly get to know someone and for any issues to appear; two years or more often. You might be idealising him and the relationship; you probably don't have lots of relationship experience.

Secondly his dad isn't ruining it all, he is. If he was capable of thinking for himself, he'd have gone and found & read what you have and already cut off or at the very least clashed with his father and family. Instead he has done nothing to.check that what he's been told is true, and is happily believing and repeating stories that his dad is innocent, the child his dad raped is a liar, and the child/their family lied for money. And he's been telling you lies. That's pretty far from perfect.

He won't see it, he won't admit it and he won't cut his dad off - so it will be him who ruins the relationship, not his dad.

But even if your bf did all that - it's still such a difficult, messy, complicated, awful situation to be involved in .... When you don't have to be. The best and wisest thing you could do for yourself and your future family would be find another bf, whose family does not have a convicted child rapist ... Whom they all lie about .. in the centre of it.

The minority, not the majority, of families have someone like this - so it should not be v hard to find.

Sorry if we come across as harsh op.

It's really good that you've had the sense and independence to go and check this.

We just don't want to see you ruin your life over the guy and this family, when you could have that life with another guy who doesn't have this.

What does your family think (if they know)?