Red flags? ***includes content some might find upsetting***

[mermaidtales]

I don't even know why I'm asking, I think I'm just so disappointed and upset, I need to vent.

I was going to ask if the following scenario was red flag territory but of course it is.

I've been seeing a lovely guy for around ten months. We have a lot in common and I enjoy spending time with him. We have talked about a future and I was looking forward to this.

He has shown some controlling behaviour previously. Asked me to delete certain males off social media etc. I refused but he wasn't happy.

I recently liked an insta post of somebody he particularly dislikes. We had a date yesterday and were in bed and he mentioned it. He told me to delete this person and I told him no, I won't be told who I can and can't interact with on SM.

He then initiated anal sex. I said no I didn't want to. He held me down and did it anyway. I was shocked and upset but I didn't try to throw him off or anything. It was very obvious I was upset afterwards and he apologised profusely, and continued to apologise by text later on. However, by way of explanation, he said that he'd needed to dominate me because I refused to do as I was asked regarding social media.

I'm feeling very confused and upset. I do enjoy quite rough sex, but I know this was different. And I believe he knows this was different too.

I guess I am asking how others would feel? I know it's a massive warning sign and in my heart of hearts I know he hurt and disrespected me. I'm just gutted overall.

It's not a red flag. It's a crime.

I understand why you wouldn't want to go the police but do you have him admitting and talking about this scenario over text? If you do, that would at least be evidence other than your word. Seriously. This guy is a rapist and a criminal. He uses sex as a weapon and he's dangerous.

If you feel strong enough to go to the police, think if the other women you might be able to orevent him from harming. You need help and support xxx

Please report him to the police asap.

I'm so sorry, OP. Seek out support to help you through this trauma.

Evening, OP.

We're so sorry to hear this happened. We thought we'd pop by with a couple of links just in case they were of help, to our We Believe You campaign and also to our Domestic Violence webguide.

We hope you don't mind but we're just going to edit your thread title to so the content isn't a shock for anyone else who has had a horrible experience like this and might find it upsetting.

We hope you're ok.

OP, are you still reading?

This wasn't a warning sign - this was a full on rape. You don't have to go to the police right now, or ever if you can't face it, but you do need to keep yourself safe and get away from him forever.

I've read the responses, thank you. I feel very confused. I didn't fight him off, I lay there while he did it. I feel like I can't report that?

I have lots of messages from him talking about what happened and saying it was a response to me rejecting him and choosing an Instagram friend over him. He does say he's ashamed and he knows he hurt and disrespected me.

I want to get some fire in my belly and react to this in a way I would tell anybody else to react but for some reason I am just wishing it would go away.

laying there is a perfectly normal and expected defence mechanism. You said no he did it and you have messages saying it was a response to him rejecting you. You did nothing wrong.

Please though at the very least get it to go away by him going away OP

It is quite likely that you didn't fight him off. Of course you can report it.

I was assaulted years ago - it would have been rape had I not fought him off, but what surprised me was that although I was trying so hard to scream no noise came out.

You said No. The messages are evidence.

Sorry this happened to you.

Freezing is a normal response. People always talk about fight and flight, but freezing is very very common. It keeps you safe from worse. It is not consent.

He raped you as a way of controlling you. He did it as a way of “ownership” get away from him as fast as you can. Doesn’t matter if he apologised or not. He’s an abusive nasty man. Please get some support in dealing with your experience- even if that isn’t going to the police

Your currently in a state of shock and denial which is perfectly normal as is freezing and just letting it happen. None of this is your fault.

OP, I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Why don't you have a chat with Rape Crisis to help get things straight in your mind.

And keep posting here, you'll get lots of friendship, support and advice.

He 'punished' you for not obeying him by raping you love. Please think about reporting him or at least speaking to Rape Crisis. And get rid.

Freezing is a classic response, and even quite logical from an evolutionary point of view - when someone is attacking you, you play dead rather than doing something that might make them even more violent.

He's a dangerous rapist.

You need to end it, by text, not face to face. And change your locks.

Screenshot the messages of him admitting to raping you so you have copies then block him.

I hope you're ok

Oh Jesus. He might be in hot water if you take those messages to the police.

Do you have anyone who can hold your hand and support you through this? You say you feel like you can't report it because you lay there. You said 'no'. He still did it. That's enough. If you're not sure, why not let the police decide? You might be surprised. If you want some fire in your belly, think of this happening to your friend, your sister or you daughter. How would you feel? You have a chance to make a difference here, to protect other women from something that could be devastating in their lives. Taking it all the way to the courts is no picnic, but at least if you go to the police it might be on-record which might help in prosecuting him in future.

However, I completely understand that what you're going through is very complex and upsetting right now and I hope you have someone in 'real life' to support you. Don't meet him again. Please. For your own safety. Really don't. Talk over the phone or text , but don't meet up with him.

He knows he raped you, that's why he is ashamed.

I'd also suggest speaking to Rape Crisis. They will understand what's going on in your head right now even if you can't yet work it out.
You don't have to feel angry to report it. I would doubt your feelings are going to be that simple.

Also, I'm afraid the whole 'I'm ashamed' and 'disrespect' thing means nothing here. All you need to know is that he's a dangerous individual and that he shouldn't have done what he did.

I know the posters here will give you a lot of digital hugs and support.

talking about what happened and saying it was a response to me rejecting him and choosing an Instagram friend over him
In other words, he's saying it's your fault. You made him do it. I would imagine that he's 'ashamed' that he 'lost control' but of course this would never have happened without your provocation.

This is all absolute bullshit, just to be clear. But I want to be sure you are not mistaking his words for actual remorse.

You are in shock; this is very understandable. If you want to, you can read here about emotional responses to sexual violence - it's on the Rape Crisis website.

Are you injured? You can seek medical help without telling anyone about the crime if you need to.

Whatever you decide to do about the police, I would try to keep him away from you whilst you come to terms with this. He has a vested interest in making you believe his narrative that this wasn't rape, it was 'just' an overreaction to your refusal to do what you were told (not asked) about Instagram. Keep him out of your head whilst you process this.

you froze to minimise further damage

he raped you.

I totally understand if you can't face doing a police report. However, if the subsequent conversation took place on text and you effectively have a record of him admitting he raped you, then you have some evidence.

Make sure you get another phone and transfer things as the police will possibly take your phone for evidence.

As I say, I totally get it if you don't want to, but never ever see him again, keep safe. And also, I'm going to say that anyone who tells you what you can and can't do - run away. They are dangerous men.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It is in no way up to you to have "fought back".

@Babdoc "Do it for every other woman’s sake if you won’t do it for your own - he will not limit himself to one victim or one episode."

PLEASE do not say things like this. FFS. OP bears absolutely no responsibility for what this man chooses to do, and it's revolting to try and make her feel she should, or could, ever have any liability for his actions. Women who don't report rape shouldn't be made to feel guilty, or basically be told they are being complicit, in other womens suffering as they didn't report.

The only people responsible for women being raped, now or in the future, are rapists, not women and certainly not rape victims.

Please do think about what you are saying as it's a horrendous message to give women.

How can you even ask if this is a problem.

He is not a "lovely man". He is a rapist and should be in prison.

You need to report him to the police immediately and never see him again.

What kind of society are we living in where women can't recognise rape and think controlling rapists are lovely people. I despair.

I think you really need some counselling to work through your feelings .

Wrong thread, sorry.

What happens when that “punishment” turns to punches/kicks? You gonna still disobey him?

Dude sounds like a nut job...

Have you got anyone in real life you can talk to about this?