Red flags? ***includes content some might find upsetting***

[mermaidtales]

I don't even know why I'm asking, I think I'm just so disappointed and upset, I need to vent.

I was going to ask if the following scenario was red flag territory but of course it is.

I've been seeing a lovely guy for around ten months. We have a lot in common and I enjoy spending time with him. We have talked about a future and I was looking forward to this.

He has shown some controlling behaviour previously. Asked me to delete certain males off social media etc. I refused but he wasn't happy.

I recently liked an insta post of somebody he particularly dislikes. We had a date yesterday and were in bed and he mentioned it. He told me to delete this person and I told him no, I won't be told who I can and can't interact with on SM.

He then initiated anal sex. I said no I didn't want to. He held me down and did it anyway. I was shocked and upset but I didn't try to throw him off or anything. It was very obvious I was upset afterwards and he apologised profusely, and continued to apologise by text later on. However, by way of explanation, he said that he'd needed to dominate me because I refused to do as I was asked regarding social media.

I'm feeling very confused and upset. I do enjoy quite rough sex, but I know this was different. And I believe he knows this was different too.

I guess I am asking how others would feel? I know it's a massive warning sign and in my heart of hearts I know he hurt and disrespected me. I'm just gutted overall.

Please please report this monster

There's no right way to feel OP. But this vile, violent, controlling man is continuing to abuse you by sending you these angry texts. He's so sure of himself. Then again he must be quite thick too because he's kind of digging his own grave.

@mermaidtales I know nothing I say can take away how you feel, but I am here reading as are many others. Thinking of you and still holding your hand in spirit. The vipers are indeed with you x

OP, he is no longer apologising because every contact you make with him he sees as a concession. Now he's moved from apologising to blaming you; next he will possible deign to forgive you and 'let you' back in.

It's all part of the abusive cycle. He has deliberately got you feeling so weak, he has chipped away at you until you feel like you can't survive on your own.

Abusers have to keep you weak to inflate their own sense of power.

Just remind yourself that you are in shock, you probably have trauma, you are not 'weak', you are in pain.

Part of you wants to sink back into that 'safe' place. Believe me, plenty of us understand this cycle very well. He has confused you, undermined you, abused you and made you feel like this. He is the cause of this feeling - he is most definitely not the solution.

Nobody should make you feel like this. Nobody should ever make anyone feel like this. He may pretend to be charming, loving, understanding, vulnerable. He may even believe himself to be all these things, but at base he is an abuser and abusers escalate. He is unsafe.

Another part of you knows this, deep down. Part of you that may not feel very present right now is protecting you, looking out for you, has posted here, has reached out for help, has told someone, has not responded to him.

Do you have other people you can confide in, maybe stay with for a time? Family or friends you can trust?

For your own safety, I would strongly advise not interacting with him.

Another viper holding space for you. x

No wonder you feel weak be kind to yourself OP remember that none of this is your fault 💐

I agree with Scrimshaw, his plan of raping you to keep you under his control hasn't worked yet, so now he's trying to play the victim and make you feel guilty and come crawling back to him. It's classic DARVO. This is how abusive men operate. My ex got violent with me, so I ended it. He then tried to play the victim and said he couldn't forgive ME for telling his friends about the violence. Report the bastard for raping you.

This is absolutely horrific!! Please get this piece of shit punished and some help for yourself. I'm so so angry on your behalf, how fucking dare he?!?!

Your inability to compromise ended the relationship? From a man so unable to compromise that he will rape a woman for daring to disobey an unreasonable demand?

The only saving grace in all this is that he's revealed what an utterly despicable piece of shit he is at a relatively early stage in your relationship.

OP have you told your family or friends about this and what he did to you?

I would be surprised if they stood idly by.

At the very least they would encourage you to get the police involved or give home a warning to stay well away from you in the future.

So sorry you had to go through this OP.

IIf you can, try and write down what happened, add as much detail as you can remember, keep copies of any communication you have had with him. And also add previous incidents where he tried to control you.

Writing it down will help get things out of your head, so you can start processing what happened, and will give you a clear record of what happened, should you decide to report him to the police at some point.

Don't in any way blame yourself for what happened and down beat yourself up for the way your dealing with it. You've had a traumatic experience and there is no right or wrong response.

Sending you much love.

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Please report this vile and horrible person to the police and delete him entirely from your life.

I hope you get the support you need to deal with this.

💖 we are all with you.

Scrimshaw you just said it all, perfectly.

The hardest thing I find is the instinct to go back to that 'safe' place. People can't understand that. But as you say, that's how this operates on the emotions. You become conditioned to his presence, and feel strangely adrift without him.

OP just get someone in real life close to you to talk to. That will really help you stay away from him. Xx

Getting upset with someone because they refuse to delete another person on social media is one thing ... but he raped you honey. Please go straight to the police ASAP 😓😓. Get as far away from his as possible and do not contact him again.

Do keep all his texts/messages. If normal one day you will feel able to report him and they are valuable in that context.

I hope you feel able to report him soon. You know he'll just do it again otherwise,to you or to someone else.

Yep, Lotte, it makes perfect sense in a way. An abuser hurts you and part of you thinks the only way to escape that hurt is to make up with him again.

By the time physical abuse happens there's already been a long campaign of control and destabilising, sometimes so subtle we've not noticed it happen.

Of course, the only way to really be safe is to get out of the relationship and far, far away, but it's often very hard to see that when you're in it.

Be ready for a possible shift in feeling. I don’t know what you have done all week - maybe working but emotionally numb on autopilot?

It’s the weekend now - you might become v distraught if you have been holding it together all week. Also you might feel a “void” if you’re weekends were busy with him and a milestone of a week after the attack might trigger painful emotions. These are all good to get out - but give yourself whatever you need to cope - space, downtime, being alone or being with friends. Take care of yourself but reach out to friends and family who can give you love and support.

mermaidtales, how are you doing? Hope you're okay and getting support from your friend or someone else. Just letting you know you're in my thoughts.

There are red flags which are often more subtle signs of impending abuse and then there's outright rape. These aren't red flags , this is the real thing and you need to run like the wind