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Original poster

Red flags? ***includes content some might find upsetting***

293 replies

mermaidtales · 12/01/2020 17:38

I don't even know why I'm asking, I think I'm just so disappointed and upset, I need to vent.

I was going to ask if the following scenario was red flag territory but of course it is.

I've been seeing a lovely guy for around ten months. We have a lot in common and I enjoy spending time with him. We have talked about a future and I was looking forward to this.

He has shown some controlling behaviour previously. Asked me to delete certain males off social media etc. I refused but he wasn't happy.

I recently liked an insta post of somebody he particularly dislikes. We had a date yesterday and were in bed and he mentioned it. He told me to delete this person and I told him no, I won't be told who I can and can't interact with on SM.

He then initiated anal sex. I said no I didn't want to. He held me down and did it anyway. I was shocked and upset but I didn't try to throw him off or anything. It was very obvious I was upset afterwards and he apologised profusely, and continued to apologise by text later on. However, by way of explanation, he said that he'd needed to dominate me because I refused to do as I was asked regarding social media.

I'm feeling very confused and upset. I do enjoy quite rough sex, but I know this was different. And I believe he knows this was different too.

I guess I am asking how others would feel? I know it's a massive warning sign and in my heart of hearts I know he hurt and disrespected me. I'm just gutted overall.

OP posts:
PositiveVibez · 12/01/2020 20:40

OP. Im so sorry that you were raped.

Unlikely you are the only woman he has done this to.

You have it in black and white he raped you because he couldn't control you and you wouldn't do as you were told.

He is dangerous and you need to go to the police if you feel you can.

Pinkette06 · 12/01/2020 20:44

He has raped you. It's good if you have texts of him admitting this. Please report this. What will he do next? Sending love to you opFlowers

AlternativeReality · 12/01/2020 20:44

OP, firstly none of this is your fault. Not struggling doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen, it means that you were in shock. Not wanting to seek help at this stage is perfectly understandable as it’s possible that you yourself haven’t yet admitted to yourself that you were raped.

but do keep the messages he sent you, and get rid. By text.

ukgift2016 · 12/01/2020 20:46

Red flag? He raped you.

I am concerned you may continue this relationship. Please be careful, he sounds a very dangerous man.

Luckypoppy · 12/01/2020 20:46

Oh lovely, take a step away and imagine a friend, sister or daughter was telling you this had happened to them.

Please allow yourself the care and kindness you deserve.

Babybel90 · 12/01/2020 20:46

He raped you, just because you didn’t fight him off or scream doesn’t mean it wasn’t rape, please report him if not for yourself then for the next person he does this to.

Next time you’re with someone and you get red flags walk away, you deserve to be treated with respect.

I’m sorry this has happened to you.

pallisers · 12/01/2020 20:50

This isn't a red flag. He raped you.

He raped you after you had refused to do as he ordered. This was a punishment anal rape. You were supposed to learn your lesson not to ignore what he said. He pretty much admits this in his texts. Christ what a raping fucker he is.

Block and ignore him after you send him a text saying you will never see him again and you will be contacting the police (Just to put the wind up the fucker -personally I wouldn't contact the police because, sadly, I think nothing will happen)

Destinysdaughter · 12/01/2020 20:50

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Rara94 · 12/01/2020 20:52

I'm so sorry this has happened to you op!

pallisers · 12/01/2020 20:52

Unfortunately I agree with Destinysdaughter. But it has been several years now since I decided I would never advise a woman - and especially not my daughters - to report a rape. I wish we lived in a different world.

But I would still tell him I was contacting the police before blocking him forever. Good to let him sweat a bit.

Original poster
mermaidtales · 12/01/2020 20:53

I do have real life support, I'm just not ready to talk to anyone yet.

I'm not a stupid person, of course I know it was wrong, I'm just struggling to process it. Coupled with a sense of loss. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel? I don't feel the way I think I should feel? Sorry, doesn't make much sense I guess.

OP posts:
SavageBeauty73 · 12/01/2020 20:54

He anally raped you as a punishment.

Please get therapy as I don't understand why you would continue to see him. He's dangerous.

Your post chilled me. Big hugs. Be strong.

pallisers · 12/01/2020 20:54

And OP, I am so sorry this happened. None of this was your fault. It was him. Please please get out of this relationship. 10 months in and he raped you anally because you wouldn't do what he said. God knows what he would do after 2 years in.

SummerWhisper · 12/01/2020 20:55

Don't tell him you are contacting the police. That could be really dangerous for you. I'm so sorry he did this to you. I hope you can get through it Flowers

Neolara · 12/01/2020 20:56

Can you contact a rape crisis centre to talk this over. They will presumably have lots of experience of women feeling similar to you and may be able to help you make sense of it all.

Sparklfairy · 12/01/2020 20:57

He's telling you that if you don't do exactly what he says then he will rape you. Every time. If you let it go this time he will see that as you agreeing to this 'arrangement'.

Please go to the police. The text messages are an admission of rape as punishment and dominance. If you don't he will do this to the next woman.

DramaAlpaca · 12/01/2020 20:57

Dear god, OP, that's awful. I'm so sorry that happened to you Flowers

AsleepAllDay · 12/01/2020 20:59

@mermaidtales you're allowed to feel the way you feel! Tbh it sounds like you're still in shock and also you have been betrayed by someone in a huge way. Please speak to a rape crisis hotline/centre as you think about your next steps. There are counselling services that will help you do what you need to do. Whether or not you go to the police is entirely up to you.

How you're thinking and feeling is totally valid. There's no one set way for how to feel or what to think after this. Anyone would be shocked if their boyfriend did this

Bamboo15 · 12/01/2020 21:00

OP I’m so sorry this happened to you. Feeling like you can’t report a rape because you didn’t fight, or because you wish the whole thing would go away is a really common way for a victim of rape to feel.

It’s of course totally up to you if you report it or not, but you really need to see this as more than a red flag. It has gone beyond a red flag you have been anally raped, i would be really surprised if you were the first woman he has done this too. And if you stay i think it’s extremely unlikely that this the last time he will do it to you.

GoBrookeYourself · 12/01/2020 21:02

I’m so sorry this happened to you; I’m going to echo what everyone else has said- it was rape. You’re allowed to feel how you feel but please please please don’t see him ever again. If this is how he is 10 months in how will he be years down the line?

It will only get worse if you continue to see him. Believe me when I say a lot of women telling you this are speaking from experience.

RandomMess · 12/01/2020 21:04

Just Thanks how horrific from exiting new relationship to being raped

Tellingitlikeitisnt · 12/01/2020 21:04

At the point you clearly said No and he carried on he was raping you whatever your subsequent reaction was.
You didn’t fight him off because it was a man you know and care about and presumably have sex with lots so your head is saying well this must be ok I suppose even though you do know it isn’t else you wouldn’t be posting. Your body was shocked and your head was confused. Your lack of fighting him off didn’t indicate consent either. You hadn’t ever given consent.

His response that he was doing it to control and punish you for having your own opinion on a social media post is terrifying and he is clearly a highly dangerous man.

OP it is so hard when men we thought we knew and know we have feelings for display this behaviour.
If we read about happening to someone else it or witnessed it from a stranger we would find no difficulty in seeing it for what it is and be horrified.
The feelings you had are blurring the line so read back your OP again and see it from a distance.

You know right? You know he had sex with you when you had expressly refused to consent.
You know he is attempting to control and demean and frighten you into doing only what he wants and that he will suck the lifeblood from you quite literally unless you get as far away as you can from him?

Please get some professional help

Ring rape crisis or women’s aid and talk this through anonymously with someone trained to help you.

Sending you so much strength

Insaneinthemembury · 12/01/2020 21:05

I said no I didn't want to. He held me down and did it anyway
There's no ambiguity there. You're only 10 months in with this guy, not long for him to be on his best behaviour and it's starting to slip.
Please walk before marriage and kids complicate things further.
I hope you manage to get some real life support for what's happened Flowers

Nannewnannew · 12/01/2020 21:06

OMG, I am so sorry and shocked that you have gone through this ordeal.
As previous posters have said, you need to go to the police, this vile man raped you.
I do hope you are safe and have blocked this man.

Tellingitlikeitisnt · 12/01/2020 21:07

Of course you are confused.
We don’t just turn off the feelings we have for someone when they behave badly.

We wish the bad behaviour away so we can go back to being happy and feeling loved.

But you can’t change what he is and he is an abusive rapist.

You need to step as far back as you can and see it as an outsider.

And then just be strong and get away.
Your future self needs you to be practical now even if your heart is lagging behind with this one.!