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Original poster

Red flags? ***includes content some might find upsetting***

293 replies

mermaidtales · 12/01/2020 17:38

I don't even know why I'm asking, I think I'm just so disappointed and upset, I need to vent.

I was going to ask if the following scenario was red flag territory but of course it is.

I've been seeing a lovely guy for around ten months. We have a lot in common and I enjoy spending time with him. We have talked about a future and I was looking forward to this.

He has shown some controlling behaviour previously. Asked me to delete certain males off social media etc. I refused but he wasn't happy.

I recently liked an insta post of somebody he particularly dislikes. We had a date yesterday and were in bed and he mentioned it. He told me to delete this person and I told him no, I won't be told who I can and can't interact with on SM.

He then initiated anal sex. I said no I didn't want to. He held me down and did it anyway. I was shocked and upset but I didn't try to throw him off or anything. It was very obvious I was upset afterwards and he apologised profusely, and continued to apologise by text later on. However, by way of explanation, he said that he'd needed to dominate me because I refused to do as I was asked regarding social media.

I'm feeling very confused and upset. I do enjoy quite rough sex, but I know this was different. And I believe he knows this was different too.

I guess I am asking how others would feel? I know it's a massive warning sign and in my heart of hearts I know he hurt and disrespected me. I'm just gutted overall.

OP posts:
Popupshopper · 12/01/2020 21:07

It does make sense mermaid, because you liked him and you thought it was going somewhere. And not only has it ended abruptly but he raped you.
You are in shock. You haven’t switched off what you felt for him before he raped you.

The only good thing about it is that he’s told you who he is NOW rather than years down the line.

Just to add that freezing when this happens is a natural, and common response. You are not to blame for any of it. The fact that he raped you, or your creeping response.
Please talk to Rape Crisis.

lazylinguist · 12/01/2020 21:08

He anally raped you as a punishment for not obeying him. If your sister/mother/daughter/ best friend told you their partner had done that, what would you advise them to do? He is a vile, controlling, abusive rapist. He admits he did it, and he admits why he did it.

taliyah · 12/01/2020 21:08

You said NO OP
That's enough....... Report this man

Popupshopper · 12/01/2020 21:08

natural, not creeping response. Sorry.

rvby · 12/01/2020 21:09

Sweetheart -
I'm so sorry this vile thing happened to you.

I hear you say you dont feel like you're sort of "supposed to" feel, if it's true he raped you. I totally get that. I've felt that way as well.

I just want to really gently say that how you feel isnt what makes it rape. Similarly, you fighting him off or not, that doesn't make it rape or not rape.

Its rape when someone has sex with you despite you not wanting to. That's what he did. Hes a rapist.

He acknowledges that he raped you as a punishment.

Hes really dangerous love. This is the kind of man who will kill you in time. Hes just getting started.

You dont have to report him, it's not about that. You do have to get away from him though. I'll say it again, this man will kill you. He will take his time but he will get to that.

Please get checked out medically. He is likely to have badly hurt you. Please also try to phone Rape Crisis. They will know how to gently help you through this. I'm just so desperately sorry for the terrible thing hes done. Absolutely unforgivable, unexplainable, monstrous and vile. So so sorry.

SonicVersusGynaephobia · 12/01/2020 21:09

This is very upsetting that he would do this to you. He punishes you with sex you don't want to teach you a lesson when you don't let him dictate who you're allowed to talk to? What is he going to do next time you defy his unreasonable demands?

You need to end it OP, he's not safe to be around.

You should try and get him to admit as much as possible in text messages too then report him to the police.

So sorry he did this to you.

Bluetrews25 · 12/01/2020 21:09

Oh sweetheart.
Please speak to someone IRL and keep yourself safe.
Hope you can feel the support from all of us through the ether.
Hot chocolate, quilt, and space to talk.

starry7 · 12/01/2020 21:10

You're in shock, OP. Don't judge your own emotions, just feel whatever comes up.

Thinking of you Flowers

latheritup · 12/01/2020 21:11

You were raped. Please call the police. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Welltroddenpath · 12/01/2020 21:13

He sounds hideous. A violent monster tbh. You should try to contact sarc or rape crisis. Unfortunately I agree with a pp that police might be worse than useless. I only say that because it’s been a year since my friend was raped. Almost a year later the police still haven’t download her phone or her attackers phone dispite having both for six months plus. Police are honestly worse than shit when it come to sexual violence

Allusernamesalreadyused · 12/01/2020 21:14

Oh my God, you poor thing. Please please tell someone close and run a mile. Think of a year down the line and he will have totally dominated you to point where he has total control. Get away asap now while you can This is NOT normal behavior. Please be strong and get away💐♥️

Singlewhiteguineapig · 12/01/2020 21:14

Lots of love to you OP. I agree that you are probably in shock. Take care, you have done nothing wrong x

rvby · 12/01/2020 21:15

It is more normal to feel nothing after a rape, than it is to feel angry, frightened, etc.

That "nothing" feeling is shock. Your brain is trying to shield you for long enough that you can escape from or negotiate with what it knows is a dangerous attacker.

It is also normal to feel an impulse to want to be nice to the attacker. Again, that's an automatic response designed to keep you safe. Women have survived through millennia by pleading with rapists and trying to be nice to them so that they dont follow through on murder.

Your brain is using shock to try to keep you safe.

He's a rapist - you were raped, in a very specific way to inflict pain and humiliation, as a punishment - the shock you're feeling doesnt take away from that. Again I am so sorry. Xx

hatfullofmallow · 12/01/2020 21:16

OP, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I hope you feel able to discuss this with someone IRL soon as you'll need some support whatever you choose to do.

There's no doubt that this man raped you and he knows it why is why he's sending these messages now.
I can imagine how confusing it must be right now.

I urge you to report him to the police if you feel able and contact rape crisis for support.

Keep talking here if you need to.x

madmumofteens · 12/01/2020 21:17

I am so sorry this happened to you, none of this is your fault he raped you he is a rapist 💐 take good care of yourself OP I hope you get support in RL.

Straycatstrut · 12/01/2020 21:18

I really hope you're safe now OP. He has absolutely no respect for you. He's dangerous. He wants you to be his possession, his plaything, his slave.

I know you're trying to process all this and you won't be able to think straight though. I've been there. I'm still trying to make sense of it.

Please just stay away from him for now and when you can, tell your friends and family.

Biancadelrioisback · 12/01/2020 21:18

You don't have to report anything to anyone if you don't want to. I would suggest you take screens shots of the messages and keep them safe. Maybe one day you will feel like you want to report this.
You don't feel like you have fire in your belly yet, that's fine. You're processing what's happened and you're hurt, humiliated and a million more things. That's okay. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to close yourself off from the world for some time and keep this to yourself. It's okay to sob and feel all of your feelings. It's okay to not be able to shake this off. While what's happened can never be undone, you can move forward from this, once you know how you want to. I would suggest talking about what's happened when you feel ready.

When my friend was raped, she wrote me a letter and posted it. She didn't feel like she could talk about it but she needed me to know. She explained how she wanted to proceed and I made sure I was there for her every step of the way. We've still never verbally talked about it. I've read her letter, escorted her to the police station and the drs. She's text me when she's felt upset and I've gone round and held her.

azigazigah · 12/01/2020 21:19

Please go to the police, regardless of wether he would be prosecuted there is evidence that can be logged against him so that if he has form for this type of thing or he does it in the future he may well be punished.

I am so sorry for what he did. He planned it. He waited until you were in bed to speak to you about the social media interaction. Please see if you can tell a friend and go to the police.

Xx

loserssaywhat · 12/01/2020 21:21

I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I would urge you to go to the police with this if you feel up to it.
I don't believe for one second he feels ashamed because he's so easily justified his behaviour by saying it was something he needed to do in response to your behaviour. Essentially blaming you and insinuating you were asking for it! He is not a good person.
What he has done is reprehensible.
Please do all you can do get him out of your life.
Be kind to yourself. I know it must so confusing but you deserve so much better than this.

Branleuse · 12/01/2020 21:22

OP, its up to you whether you report it or not. This is not a 'red flag' though. He raped you as a punishment. Please leave him

Dolorabelle · 12/01/2020 21:24

I want to get some fire in my belly and react to this in a way I would tell anybody else to react but for some reason I am just wishing it would go away

That's a pretty normal response to trauma, particularly a criminal act - rape (he raped you) - in which the victim is often turned into the person blamed.

Block him, don't respond.

It might help to talk to Rape Crisis or the Samaritans, if you don't want to go to the police.

And get away from him - while you are still alive. A man who will use rape as revenge, won't stop at that.

Good luck OP Flowers Take it easy and don't push yourself to do anything (except NOT respond to him in any way).

Londonborncatty · 12/01/2020 21:24

You did nothing wrong and it is not unusual to freeze or not quite understand what is happening until afterwards. Please do consider going to the police. Keep all the texts as they are evidence. This man may be known to them and if not it will put them on their radar for future even if you don’t pursue it.
You need to make sure you are safe and away from him. Please get support and phone Rape Crisis. Please look after yourself.

Classof66 · 12/01/2020 21:25

As a man,I agree with everything said above.If you do not get rid,it will only get worse.

Panpastels · 12/01/2020 21:28

If you do report I would think the messages are good evidence of what he did. So sorry this happened to you OP Thanks

Londonborncatty · 12/01/2020 21:30

Do not threaten this man with going to the police.
He is dangerous.
Do not contact him.
If you feel you can, call Rape Crisis for advice.
If you feel you can, contact the police.
No person on this forum can know that you won’t get a conviction and tell you not to bother. That is way down the line and is not helpful.
Pleas get help and advice as soon as you can.