Red flags? ***includes content some might find upsetting***

[mermaidtales]

I don't even know why I'm asking, I think I'm just so disappointed and upset, I need to vent.

I was going to ask if the following scenario was red flag territory but of course it is.

I've been seeing a lovely guy for around ten months. We have a lot in common and I enjoy spending time with him. We have talked about a future and I was looking forward to this.

He has shown some controlling behaviour previously. Asked me to delete certain males off social media etc. I refused but he wasn't happy.

I recently liked an insta post of somebody he particularly dislikes. We had a date yesterday and were in bed and he mentioned it. He told me to delete this person and I told him no, I won't be told who I can and can't interact with on SM.

He then initiated anal sex. I said no I didn't want to. He held me down and did it anyway. I was shocked and upset but I didn't try to throw him off or anything. It was very obvious I was upset afterwards and he apologised profusely, and continued to apologise by text later on. However, by way of explanation, he said that he'd needed to dominate me because I refused to do as I was asked regarding social media.

I'm feeling very confused and upset. I do enjoy quite rough sex, but I know this was different. And I believe he knows this was different too.

I guess I am asking how others would feel? I know it's a massive warning sign and in my heart of hearts I know he hurt and disrespected me. I'm just gutted overall.

Sending you support op.
I’m so sorry this has happened, you did nothing at all wrong and everything you are feeling now is ok. Please take whatever steps you need to keep yourself safe and make whatever choices regarding reporting that make you comfortable. I like to think I’d report it but none of us can know unless we are in your shoes what you need. Hoping you can get some support irl as soon as possible xx

OP it does make sense and it's okay to feel whatever you feel, including not feeling anything. Not fighting him off isn't a barrier to you reporting this if that's what you choose to do. In that moment it's understandable to freeze, instinct kicks in and you do what you need to for the ordeal to be over as quickly and with as little lasting physiological damage as possible. It's a natural response. As others have said of you don't want to or feel able to speak to police I would advise contacting your local Sexual Assault Referral Centre (SARC). They can help you decide what you want to do and make sure that you're physically okay. They can also talk you through counselling. Take screenshots of his messages, stored safely in a file so you don't have to look at them but they are there if you decide to pursue it. I don't know what arrangements you had in the future with him but please don't engage in any messaging with him, you don't have to respond with any fire at all and it gives him opportunity to try and blame you more than he already is (which is bullshit, he knows it and is panicking like hell right now), to twist things and manipulate. He isn't sorry, he's sorry for the challenge to his "need" for "dominance." I.e. abuse. Personally I would send one message along the lines of, "Never speak, message or attempt to contact me in any way shape or form ever again. Goodbye." Block him before any response. And I don't want to add more worries to your plate OP but please do think carefully about reporting him. Abusive men are most dangerous when you separate and they lose control. Keep yourself safe lovely x

Mermaidtales he anally raped you because he wanted to degrade, humiliate and control you as a way of punishment because you didn't do as he said. Not only have you got this wretched experience to deal with but also the shock of his change in behaviour and the thought (hopefully) that you must now end this relationship. Please find someone either friend/family to talk to or a trusted, experienced professional- and be careful of him now whether you choose to stay or decide to end it as he is very unpredictable.

OP, I am so sorry this has happened to you. Please go to the police, he has raped you. Perhaps talk to Rape Crisis first if you need some support with this step, or even if you think you want to. However, you can't be in a relationship with this man. He's dangerous and would have done it before and will do it again.

I'm sorry I truly am I hate humans. You felt like you were on cloud nine and now you have been dropped from a height and your in shock. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Save the messages on your phone. Because you didn't fight him off doesn't mean you weren't raped. I had this attutide for years that it wasn't really rape, its not really sexual assault or its not reallt DV because it didn't look like it did on that film or advert or I said this or did that to deserve it. but it is. It's not acceptable you need to tell yourself that you were raped and they are scary words to get your head around but you were and this man sounds so dangerous.
Please if you don't report him if you aren't ready for that you must erase him out of your life. This is only the beginning it will escalate. This man needs to be locked away or in my opinion castrated its a shame they don't do that here. I just wanted to say that your not alone I'm sorry this happened and I hope when your ready you find the strength to report this I only wish I had reported the things that have happened to me. I feel it would have helped me cope better. Stay strong don't be fooled by men like this they know how to manipulate, he has made you vulnerable and will know all the words to say to get you back on side.
Reach out to friends and family you don't have to tell them what happened just tell them your down and have them around you.
I hope you get the support you need at this time. Please protect yourself and stay safe.

OP I am so sorry this happened to you. Please get some support to help you process it and report him when you feel strong enough. Sending massive virtual hugs

Please keep your texts. Maybe screenshot them or something.

He wanted to punish you for disobeying him.

He knew he was punishing you.

He chose to punish you.

He has admitted he was punishing you.

He should be deeply ashamed, and he should be punished.

OMG

This guy is sick in the head,get rid immediately,dont speak to him,dont contact him.

Consider reporting to police as rape.

Please consider going to the Police.
You may save someone else.

Yep - it was rape. And "He needed to dominate you because you didn't do what you were told" ??? It's only going to get worse. Call the police. And get therapy.

I want to get some fire in my belly and react to this in a way I would tell anybody else to react but for some reason I am just wishing it would go away.

Totally normal response, as many pps have pointed out.

If there is any possibility he has a key to your place (including being left unsupervised at your house) then get your locks changed. Call a handy friend who has an electric drill. If need be just say someone stole your handbag and your address was on your drivers license.

However, by way of explanation, he said that he'd needed to dominate me because I refused to do as I was asked regarding social media.

Oh, God, what a vile man. He raped you because you wouldn't obey his command. Freezing is a perfectly normal reaction to being held down and sexually overpowered in this horrible way. Please report him and get yourself away from him. I'm so, so sorry this happened to you.

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel? I don't feel the way I think I should feel? Sorry, doesn't make much sense I guess.

I think you're in shock. From what you've said you really REALLY want this to be OK, but you know it just isn't. But if all of you accepts that it definitely isn't OK then you have to accept that this man you really really like is a dangerous rapist. So your brain is protecting you from that pain by pretending that it was sort of OK, even though it wasn't.

Move over to the stark reality and save yourself!

Normally I'd say be cautious about reporting due to how many people get away with it and the reluctance of the CPS. (Saying from several experiences). But given the messages you have on your phone, I'd say go ahead and report him to the police. What a complete and utter scumbag.

This will get easier over time. I really hope you're holding up ok.

I’m so sorry what an awful thing to happen.

It wasn’t your fault.

Speak to rape crisis.

Go to the police if you want. But don’t be bullied into it. There are pros and cons and only you can decide that. There is next to no chance he would ever be convicted.

You're in shock, and very understandably.

You don't need to rush into doing anything or talking to anyone - you've made a huge step talking on here, and it's very telling that everyone is telling you the same thing - just as you already knew.

But please make sure you are safe from him. Don't let him persuade you into meeting. He's frantically trying to limit the damage today, and the next step will be to tell you that it's your fault because he loves you so much.

Be kind to yourself. You did nothing wrong here

Please don’t let him apologise his way out of this. There is not one level at which this is acceptable.

Keep the messages, even if you don’t choose to report him to the police. Text him that he raped you, you never want to hear from him again otherwise you will go to the police and block. Sadly it’s probably not the first time he’s treated someone like that.

I'm so sorry OP but I think you are in denial. You have been raped and that is not O.K. as you well know. He is a psycho and you need to run for the hills and not look back.

I’m so very sorry this happened to you. I understand the wanting it all to go away, but sadly it won’t. You cannot go be all to the relationship you had, the hopes you had, the plans you made before this man raped you.

Please talk to someone IRL and take some time to yourself. Stop talking to him, and start talking to people who really have your best interests at heart ... xx

Mermaid, you know what to do. If you let this rapist stay in your life he will destroy you.

Oh OP. Kissing frogs shpuld be fun. Sorry love but you found a nasty old toad. Run as fast as you can - as far as possible. and don't kid yourself he's vile.

I’m so sorry he did this to you.

First must be to speak to Rapecrisis. They will help you get your thoughts clear in your head.

How you are feeling is your correct response to a trauma. There is no prescribed way, no right way.

Speak to rapecrisis. One step at a time.

I am so sorry this happened to you OP I know it's hard but please tell someone irl so that they can support you in person. You have done nothing wrong at all

You poor thing.

The bastard raped you. Unfortunately, though I would love to be able to advise that you go to the police, I fear he will get away with it and claim it was consensual. I guess it depends on what he has admitted in the text messages.

You shouldn't have had to go through this. All of your body is yours and yours alone. You don't get raped anally or otherwise for disobeying orders.

I think you're probably in shock right now - but in a few days the tears will come, then the anger and rage.

I really want to advise you to phone 111 - inform them that you were raped. They will want to bring you to a medical setting where they take swabs and such. You'll need to make a statement to police. He will also then be brought in for questioning.

I know that that advice is going to be hard to take. However - if you can't do that - just get this piece of a gorilla scumbag neanderthal animal out of your home and never let the rotten raping bastard back in.