Red flags? ***includes content some might find upsetting***

[mermaidtales]

I don't even know why I'm asking, I think I'm just so disappointed and upset, I need to vent.

I was going to ask if the following scenario was red flag territory but of course it is.

I've been seeing a lovely guy for around ten months. We have a lot in common and I enjoy spending time with him. We have talked about a future and I was looking forward to this.

He has shown some controlling behaviour previously. Asked me to delete certain males off social media etc. I refused but he wasn't happy.

I recently liked an insta post of somebody he particularly dislikes. We had a date yesterday and were in bed and he mentioned it. He told me to delete this person and I told him no, I won't be told who I can and can't interact with on SM.

He then initiated anal sex. I said no I didn't want to. He held me down and did it anyway. I was shocked and upset but I didn't try to throw him off or anything. It was very obvious I was upset afterwards and he apologised profusely, and continued to apologise by text later on. However, by way of explanation, he said that he'd needed to dominate me because I refused to do as I was asked regarding social media.

I'm feeling very confused and upset. I do enjoy quite rough sex, but I know this was different. And I believe he knows this was different too.

I guess I am asking how others would feel? I know it's a massive warning sign and in my heart of hearts I know he hurt and disrespected me. I'm just gutted overall.

Please phone the Samaritans or Rape Crisis if you can’t bring yourself to contact the police yet. Keep the messages on your phone.

I am so sorry that this happened to you - it was not your fault.

There is no “right” way to react to rape. I have a friend who was raped at University. She didn’t fight or move at all, she was too shocked and frightened. This is a normal response, part of self preservation.
Please get help OP. Report him if you feel you can.

I'm so sorry OP... so so sorry

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I am sure your head is in a whirl and this thread, and the speed with which it is growing and the strength of feeling people have may be adding to your sense of a lack of control.

Listen to your gut. You know how he made you feel and you know why. He has sadly just shown you who he is. Believe him.

It is hard to tell someone else - if you choose to go to the police you will be entitled to anonymity as a victim of a sexual offence and that means you can choose who to tell and how. The police will also help with keeping you safe in the future. The support and sensitivity with which they approach this kind of crime has changed massively in recent times.

For those commenting as to the likelihood of getting a conviction - we are none of us in a position to judge the likely evidence so do not tell the complainant something you cannot possibly know. I have spent years litigating sex offending and an honest witness gives powerful evidence that a jury are just as likely to accept as not - and text messages unequivocally apologising for an act will only add to the strength of a case.

You didnt deserve this op.

I'm so sorry, it's an awful situation to discover this side in someone you care for and get along with.
It sounds like you came here to hear from outsiders what you already know yourself, so like pp I'm going to repeat.
This goes beyond red flags. He says to your face that he thinks it's an understandable reaction to use rape to dominate and subdue you when you displease him.
He's dangerous. If you accept this I don't think there's any doubt it will happen again and it will get worse.
Please take care of yourself and leave him. Please.

Your preferences when having consensual sex are irrelevant. All that matters is you said no and the fact that he has admitted raping you to teach you a lesson / make you step in line in future.

He sounds dangerous. You deserve better. Do not fall for sweet talk at this stage and do not feel embarrassed. If you let this slide now, who is to say he will not do that or something more extreme next time? I hope you do tap into real life support as you've been treated very very badly and I'm sorry you're going through this.

He raped you.
Go to the police so he can never do this to you or someone else again.

Please never be around him again and seek help/ report him. 💝💝

Geez this is just a awful.
Sickening.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It is in no way your fault.

You do know you have to end this relationship don't you.
I would.also suggest talkingbitnthrough with a counsellor or someone professional. This type.of thing brushed under the carpet can impact you mentally in the future if not dealt with.

It's upto.you if you report him.for rape or not, but with those text messages there could be quite a string case against him.

Seek help and please don't see this rapist again.

Thank you for all the responses. I've been so shocked at my own response to this and I feel comforted that my response isn't so out of the ordinary.

I work with lots of families who're fleeing DV and I'm so surprised that I can't apply the rationale I use at work to myself.

Why am I sad? Why am I still checking to see if he's online? I don't understand my own reaction to it.

I've had some bleeding and other uncomfortable but expected physical reactions to anal sex and even that hasn't upset me. I wouldn't even describe it as numb. I guess I am going through the motions.

Cross with myself for grieving over a future I was looking forward to.

Thank you for the support, I'm glad I reached out.

You have told him to fuck off and fuck off some more and have blocked him already haven't you op? Never ever let him wheedle his way back in.

Please speak to Rape Crisis.
It sounds like you don't want to label it as rape and that's completely fine - it was a non-consensual sexual act, and you need to find someone to talk it through who can give you some advice and provide a friendly ear.

That is rape, and it's abuse. l hope you've kept his texts. Please report this. He'll do it to someone else.

@wheretonow123 yeah like that's really going to help.

It sounds like you're in shock, OP.

you're sad because you had a dream and it's been shattered into a million tiny pieces. Of course you're going to mourn the dream. Mourn the good side of him, the carefully constructed facade that he presented so that you'd fall in love.

I think you're in shock too at the moment. If you are able to take a leap of faith in the posters here, the advice to contact Rape Crisis and the police is excellent. But the main thing is to look after yourself now.

Look after yourself
Call rape crisis if you can
So sorry this happened to you

He raped you. He knows it. And it sounds as if you have an admission via texts.

I firmly believe that the choice to report rape/sexual assault is entirely up to the victim. So the choice is yours. Report him and show the police the texts and let them take it from there. Or tell him that he has admitted it via texts and that he is never to contact you again or you will report him.

You were a victim and are in no way responsible for what happened, so matter what your reaction was. And remember that chances are you are not the first woman he has done this to. Chances are you won't be the last.

This is from the Freedom Programme, how to recognise a dominator partner. Your situation is so classic it's the first box.
empathygap.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/Freedom-programme-dominator.jpg

From the programme (slightly paraphrased): When you break the rules, he will use violence to punish you and ensure future compliance. First, he will give himself an excuse. (...) Eventually, he convinces himself he has no other choice, then he acts.

10 months in. Honeymoon period, this is him on his BEST BEHAVIOUR.

Imagine what he'll do when he really gets going. Please don't stay with him. It'll be a green light in his eyes to dominate, control, rape, beat and eventually kill you.

I'm so sorry you had this happen x

Op, I am so sorry this has happened to you.

I understand why you feel sad. Most abusive men aren't abusive all the time. They reel women in - they can show behaviour that is charming or generous, or friendly or humorous - but none of these things excuse the abuse.

Adults can be groomed too, and anyone telling you off for thinking of him as "lovely" is missing that point. He has got you into a place where you are emotionally invested in him, so as well as processing what he has done, you also have to process feelings of grief for the relationship you thought you had with him and that is not easy.

But what he did was in no doubt rape and you have written evidence of it. If you feel strong enough to go to the police, then this will be useful evidence.

As others said, hopefully talking to Rape Crisis will help you process the very complex feelings you must have at the moment.

This is not your fault. You did not deserve this. No amount of "provoking" justifies rape or "punishment". You said "no" - no fighting is necessary. He knew full well what he was doing and freezing is a common and natural reaction.

Please look after yourself, get what support you can get in real life and stay away from this dangerous man.

I'm so sorry

This is way past red flags, my love. He raped you and admitted it was to try and punish you.

Your first thought now is your safety.

I think you need to consider how to not only leave him, but make sure that you are safe from him.

Why am I sad? Why am I still checking to see if he's online? I don't understand my own reaction to it.

Because you've been groomed and abused, and you're in shock. It's always more complicated than we think it could possibly be, but this is very clear cut, OP.

Please get yourself safe and look after yourself. Counselling, therapy, etc might be a good idea to look into, once you know you are safe.

Your behaviour was perfectly normal - his was not.
I'm just so sorry.
Please do consider reporting.

There's a line 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them.' He's raped you. You feel weird because it's difficult to believe someone who you liked, and who acted like they liked you, can inflict violence on you. It's confusing and gaslighting.

He's a rapist. Repeat it to yourself. Then report or not, but never see him again.

Hope you get some good support and take care of yourself. You deserve much better.