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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Red flags? ***includes content some might find upsetting***

293 replies

mermaidtales · 12/01/2020 17:38

I don't even know why I'm asking, I think I'm just so disappointed and upset, I need to vent.

I was going to ask if the following scenario was red flag territory but of course it is.

I've been seeing a lovely guy for around ten months. We have a lot in common and I enjoy spending time with him. We have talked about a future and I was looking forward to this.

He has shown some controlling behaviour previously. Asked me to delete certain males off social media etc. I refused but he wasn't happy.

I recently liked an insta post of somebody he particularly dislikes. We had a date yesterday and were in bed and he mentioned it. He told me to delete this person and I told him no, I won't be told who I can and can't interact with on SM.

He then initiated anal sex. I said no I didn't want to. He held me down and did it anyway. I was shocked and upset but I didn't try to throw him off or anything. It was very obvious I was upset afterwards and he apologised profusely, and continued to apologise by text later on. However, by way of explanation, he said that he'd needed to dominate me because I refused to do as I was asked regarding social media.

I'm feeling very confused and upset. I do enjoy quite rough sex, but I know this was different. And I believe he knows this was different too.

I guess I am asking how others would feel? I know it's a massive warning sign and in my heart of hearts I know he hurt and disrespected me. I'm just gutted overall.

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 14/01/2020 07:13

@wallywobbles Flowers

WatchingFriendsOnRepeat · 14/01/2020 07:44

There's nothing I need to add as it has all been said, but I didn't want to read and run. Sending you so much love and hugs. I'm sorry you are going through this xxx

Thanks
BrusselPout · 14/01/2020 07:48

I'm so sorry this happened OP, I would certainly encourage you to report it but if you don't feel able to at the very least break things off. And please make it very clear to him why - I am breaking up with you because you raped me. You have no right to try and control me or dictate who I can see/speak to/interact with on social media or in real life and it is not your place to dominate me. How dare you believe it is, and how dare you believe that rape is an acceptable response to any feelings of inadequacy or rejection you feel. I want a partner, an equal not a master and certainly not a rapist.

UpfieldHatesWomen · 14/01/2020 09:52

Actually, I wouldn't communicate with him further. If you let him know what you are thinking he can plot and try to use anything you tell him against you. Keep him in the dark and speak to some professionals for advice.

Gutterton · 14/01/2020 10:53

Freezing is your mind and body’s defence strategy in times of crisis. It’s damage limitation. If you had fought back he would have fought back harder - he might have choked you, punched you, broken your jaw or a limb - as well as raped you.

There is so much to process and heal. When you are ready please reach out to professionals otherwise this will pollute mind and erode your life. More damage limitation needed.

Once the confusion, numb and shock wears off the rage, pain and despair will rise - please make sure that you have someone to hold, comfort and guide you through this.

Ginkypig · 14/01/2020 11:27

I still over 20 years later freeze when my body thinks it is in (sexual) danger even though now I am not, I'm just with my lovely partner of nearly 20 years who has never hurt me but it's a memory response from my past.

it is an uncontrollable physical response to danger.

It took me a long time to learn that and I still sometimes am angry with my self for not fighting or screaming and think I must have been complicit.

but it also took experts a long time too!

There is now no such thing as fight or flight. The official term is now called fight, flight or freeze!

It is a scientific and medically and police recognised reaction to trauma.

Catmaiden · 14/01/2020 13:21

Just echoing all the other posters, it's a normal response to freeze, he's a vile rapist, please block him, seek medical advice for yourself and, if you feel up to it, report him. Flowers for you.

Treesthemovie · 14/01/2020 13:35

He isn't lovely, he is a violent, abusive rapist who plays nice. So sorry this has happened

BeccaE · 14/01/2020 14:16

@mermaidtales your comments about loathing yourself and wondering where your self respect has gone strike such a chord.

I have a very close friend who experienced something not entirely different and her feelings were not that different to yours. Just because you didn't physically fight him off does not mean he had a reasonable belief in consent (that's the legal test), and it's clear from his subsequent comments that he didn't have any such belief.

Don't beat yourself up for not feeling angry yet, that will come. At the moment your mind is adjusting to this new world in which the man you thought was "lovely" and who you were planning a future around would do something so awful to you. Although you rationally know that what he did was rape and completely unforgivable it doesn't mean that the feelings you had for him will just vanish straight away - people don't work like that, these things take time to sink in. That's why you're sad rather than angry, you're mourning the relationship that you thought you had.

In the meantime it's normal to feel disappointed in yourself and as though you lack self respect - you'd expect yourself to just know that this was wrong and react angrily. But as I said it'll take time for that to come.

I would strongly encourage you to go to the police so that this is on record, even if you don't pursue it (which I personally think I would but no one can make that decision for you), there should be a record to reduce the chance of him doing something like this to someone else.

If that feels like too much for now I really would call a service like rape crisis (they also have an online chat function so it wouldn't be that different that talking on here rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/)

I am so so sorry that this happened to you but your reaction is both normal and understandable - do not add your own self criticism to the horribleness of this situation.

Take care of yourself x

SoTiredTonight · 14/01/2020 20:56

@Wallywobbles My heart breaks for the little girl you were... I hope you somehow got support and you have been able to ‘move on from it’? (Sorry, I don’t really know how to word this, I don’t want to say something trite like ‘got over it’ or ‘managed to forget’ as I’m sure that is not how it goes...) Flowers x

LotteLupin · 14/01/2020 21:59

One of the emotional oxymorons of being attacked by the one you trust is that you want to run straight into his arms and be comforted. And say there was a bad man. He did something bad to me.

But he is actually the bad man.

So where do you turn?

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 14/01/2020 22:31

Right now I feel like a mannequin. Waiting for my emotions to be switched on.

That description took me straight back to my rape, more than 30 years ago. I walked around like that numb mannequin for days. And I only vaguely knew my rapist. You were in a relationship with the bastard. Dreadful for you.

To me your feelings are totally understandable. Of course you didn't struggle. He could have done you serious bodily damage, even murdered you. That's why victims freeze. It's a perfectly sensible response.

SirVixofVixHall · 14/01/2020 22:39

You are in shock OP. You will feel angry at some point, maybe not for a while. It is such a difficult thing to process, and you have the added emotional impact of being in a relationship, so having feelings for him.
You might feel overwhelmed with fury in a few weeks time, or not for a year, but it will kick in at some point.
Now you are still processing the trauma.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 14/01/2020 23:05

I'm so glad you've told someone. That was brave. You are stronger than you think, and you will get through this.

Everything you are feeling now is normal, and is to be expected. Just try to remember you're in shock and reactions may seem unexpected. Let them be what they are.

Still gently suggesting you make contact with professionals, though - this is a lot to process. What matters now is taking care of yourself. In your own time, OP. Be excessively gentle with yourself.

holidayhelpp · 15/01/2020 10:38

He could kill you following an argument, and would justify it as him needing to take back control as you weren’t behaving.

This should horrify you.

ScreamingLadySutch · 15/01/2020 11:46

@mermaidtales how fabulous that he discussed it in text.

So sorry you are shocked and numb. What a pity you didn't text "I told you no! That was so disrespectful" ...

Because that along with his admission he did it to punish you will him 5 years in jail.

Like others, I am saying 1. he hates women 2. he absolutely has done this before and I bet if the police started investigating other people would come forward 3. he will do it again 4. he needs the 3 Ps because that is the only thing abusive men understand

Police
Prosecution
Prison

This does not define you, it defines him, a woman hating abuser.

You are still the same gorgeous sassy person you always were, Big Ups to you for telling him you were not going to have your choices dictated to.

His response? Not about you. He is the problem and I really hope you give him his consequences.

Original poster
mermaidtales · 15/01/2020 19:48

Thanks so much for the support everybody. I'm very low at the moment. I haven't been strong enough to block him on everything yet and he's been in touch a couple of times saying my inability to compromise caused the end of our relationship. I have responded once mentioning how I sure received my punishment for it, he is no longer apologising just firmly blaming me.

I need to find some strength, I feel so weak.

I really appreciate all the replies and support, it's amazing how much it helps.

OP posts:
ScreamingLadySutch · 15/01/2020 19:51

The vipers are with you. You did nothing wrong. He did lots wrong.

I really hope you get angry and visit some HMP consequences on his head.

ravenmum · 15/01/2020 19:54

Funny that you see it as requiring strength to block him, when I'd see it as requiring strength to keep having to read abusive shite like that. Blocking just takes a click and requires no human interaction! (That's very me!)

Isthisit22 · 15/01/2020 19:54

You are not weak you are (understandably) traumatised.
Don't be hard on yourself--you are doing amazingly considering what's happened to you. 💐
Please get medical advice though as it is worrying that you still have pain/symptoms

ravenmum · 15/01/2020 20:00

I guess that the longer you keep interacting with him, at least, the more he'll reveal his true colours and the less inclined you'll be to start seeing him through rose-tinted glasses.
"Compromising", a great new word for toeing the line.

SummerWhisper · 15/01/2020 20:01

He is potentially very angry still. Please do not contact him again. He is a rapist, a violent man who broke the law. I hope you find the strength to focus on yourself, on your health and wellbeing and on your safety. Flowers

ineedaholiday11 · 15/01/2020 20:04

Him raping you to teach you a lesson and to coerce you into complying with him is what ended the relationship. He is a piece of work and you're worth more than that. Seriously he has no respect for you and clearly does not have any remorse. Not foes he appear to genuinely care for you. Please block him and keep yourself safe.

ineedaholiday11 · 15/01/2020 20:05

Also you're not weak. You've been through / are going through a horrible time.

UpfieldHatesWomen · 15/01/2020 20:06

Get the bastard locked up.