Mum doesn't want DFiancé to be a SAHD

[koalaroos]

Been together for 4 years, planning on TTC in about a year.

DF and I have discussed extensively about the potential arrangement we'd have if we had a kid, and came to the conclusion that he would be a SAHD. This is due to the following reasons:

1. I'm not maternal at all while he is very paternal.

My brother and his wife got into an accident last year (they're fine now) and their 2 kids stayed with us for ~ 3 weeks. We decided that I would work while he took care of them as he was the one who would always play with them when they visited while I tend to be a bit more apathetic. It worked brilliantly and everyone was happy.

1. I currently earn about triple what he does in a job that I adore (he hates his) with pretty good opportunities for progression in the near future.

1. We both would prefer if a parent stays home with our child.

We voiced this idea to my mum over the NY, and her reaction has been awful! She's been calling nonstop (patronisingly) about how it's 'not right', how DF will feel 'embarrassed' at the school gates, how there's a reason why men are the breadwinners.

I know myself and we know what's best for us. Has anyone had any experience with changing someone's opinions when it comes to this? Has anyone held those opinions and changed their mind? What then, made you change your mind?

It's none of her damn business. Sounds like it's the best option for the 2 of you

You earn triple his salary.

Case closed and crack on.

Your mum is living in the past. The earnings one alone is good enough reason.

Why do you care what your mum thinks?

Christ she's in the dark ages.

It's none of her business. You don't need her permission. I don't really understand why you told her this anyway before you're even pregnant.

Don't try to change her mind, just say "this isn't up for discussion, we'll do what works for us"

My mum has done this to my brother and SIL. Baby as yet unborn. My mum at least is living in the past. Do what's right for you and your family. I know loads of SAHD.

Tell her it's none of her business and whether she agrees to it or not is irrelevant.

I had this with my 'D'M. Ten years down the line I remain the main earner and DH works from home and does the lion's share of the child stuff. It works brilliantly for us. I used to doubt myself a bit but then I stopped listening to my mother and now i don't . The mother daughter relationship has never recovered but the role reversal is only part of a much bigger cauldron of issues. Go for it. Plenty Dads at the school gate.

Just tell her it's none of her business and you want her to stop talking about it.

Why do you want kids? I mean that in a non patronising way. But I don’t understand why most men want kids when they’re not interested, not paternal and have no a huge interest in children in general.
But yes. Of course it’s great that he’s going to be a sahd. They often say it’s more positive. But don’t be like a lot of men, and have kids for the sake of it if you don’t really care one way or the other

Not her business.

It’s very hard to know whether either of you would enjoy the reality of being a SAHP. Caring for DC for a week or two is very different.

Why would you both prefer a SAHP rather than both working (full or part time) and getting good childcare (you say you have a well paid job)?

The main risk for you (if married then divorced) would be having limited custody and potentially paying spousal maintenance.

The main risks for him would be big financial ones.

It's your life, your baby so do what you want. You're adults and it's your family. She brought you up as she wished and you do the same with your child. Ignore her and just get on with it.

What on earth is it to do with her? My DH is the primary carer in our family. It works wonderfully.

there's a reason why men are the breadwinners - so what does she suggest, you give up 75% of family income so he can be a 'breadwinner'?

None of her business. My DH was a SAHD for a while, has not caused him any issues at school gates.

Christ how old fashioned. Tell her to stop talking to you about it, it’s none of your business!

But please stop referring to yourself as not “maternal”. Many people aren’t great with other people’s kids but great with their own. Other children are often right twats

None of her business 🤷🏻‍♀️. If I earned 3 times what dh does, he'd be the SAHP. As it is, he was earning nearly 7x what I was before we had ds, so it was a no brainer for me be the SAHP.

Are you sure you actually want children?

@koalaroos

It’s probably not the image of having a grand child that your DM had in mind.
She’ll may have imagined coffees and excursions with you/DC and probably being quite involved as you’re not the most maternal.

I think for most DM’s grandkids are a bit like weddings in that whilst you’re ‘involved’ in your DS’s you have much more access/involvement in DD’s!

It’s rude of her to say though!

Don't bother trying to change her opinions. She can have them. She is very rude to voice them in such a manner. Very rude indeed.
It sounds like a good plan to me. I don't think anybody should give up their job until they've had a baby for at least a few months to make sure they enjoy looking after the baby on a daily basis. So he should try for parental leave first if possible.

Sounds like a great idea.

But Just be careful as if sadly you were to separate you May have to pay child mtnce to him and also that the children could live with him as he would have done the majority of the day to day parenting so he might have rights to claim more of any equity on any property in order to house the children. Just something to think about. Could you go part time and your H works part time too?

It doesn’t matter what she thinks, this is what you two want and it’s perfectly sensible. Don’t even listen to her nonsense in future

We have friends whose DH is SAHD and it has worked very well for them.
Problem is now youngest is entering secondary school, he does not know what to do with himself.
He is finding it daunting looking for jobs having not worked for 20 years.
DH staying at home is a great idea, but look at ways of reducing social isolation for him and maybe some part time hours doing bar work or something to reduce this
Good luck

I really wouldn’t waste your energy trying to change her opinion, she’s being utterly ridiculous. Just crack on, she’ll probably shut up once she sees it working for you.

None of her business, tell her that's the way it's going to be and you are not going to discuss it anymore.

There's plenty of Dads (including my DP) doing the school runs here. And because it's not 1952 the dads and mums all talk to each other.