Mum doesn't want DFiancé to be a SAHD

[koalaroos]

Been together for 4 years, planning on TTC in about a year.

DF and I have discussed extensively about the potential arrangement we'd have if we had a kid, and came to the conclusion that he would be a SAHD. This is due to the following reasons:

1. I'm not maternal at all while he is very paternal.

My brother and his wife got into an accident last year (they're fine now) and their 2 kids stayed with us for ~ 3 weeks. We decided that I would work while he took care of them as he was the one who would always play with them when they visited while I tend to be a bit more apathetic. It worked brilliantly and everyone was happy.

1. I currently earn about triple what he does in a job that I adore (he hates his) with pretty good opportunities for progression in the near future.

1. We both would prefer if a parent stays home with our child.

We voiced this idea to my mum over the NY, and her reaction has been awful! She's been calling nonstop (patronisingly) about how it's 'not right', how DF will feel 'embarrassed' at the school gates, how there's a reason why men are the breadwinners.

I know myself and we know what's best for us. Has anyone had any experience with changing someone's opinions when it comes to this? Has anyone held those opinions and changed their mind? What then, made you change your mind?

By 'not maternal' I understand OP means she does not love to spend time with other people's children. Which is totally normal and does not mean she should not have any herself.
I'm also that so many posters are asking why she is planning children, and telling her she will change her mind. Impossible that working mothers love their children too?

your mum is bonkers and living in the past. ignore her and get on with your plans.

however do make sure you give yourself enough time to recover from childbirth when the time comes. you will need to take some time off even though you plan to go back full time. pregnancy and childbirth are harder work than you think.

you may find that some maternal instinct kicks in with all the hormonal chaos in your body. that doesn't need to change your plans particularly, if you don't want. a child can't have too much love, and going to work full time does not mean you don't love them. you will treasure your time away home all the more.

if your roles were reversed and you were the DF of a man who earns 3 times what you do and you were planning to be a sahm, I would be saying do not start ttc until the engagement ring had been properly swapped for a wedding ring. this isn't old fashioned nonsense it is sensible practicality. when you take years out of the workplace to be a sahp, your earning power takes a nosedive and your ability to support yourself may never recover. marriage is a protection - tying together two people into a single financial and legal entity creates a safe space to make that sacrifice of future potential for the sake of the next generation. obviously as you yourself are the main earner it is not you that needs this protection, but it is the right thing to do.

The main risk for you (if married then divorced) would be having limited custody and potentially paying spousal maintenance.
This!

It’s very hard to predict now how you’re going to feel about being a SAHP yourself or for your DP to be one until you’ve experienced it. Just bear in mind that being a working woman is VERY different to being a working mother.

I thought that I might have been happy with my ex-H being a SAHD seeing as I had the much higher earning career and up to that point he had done all the cooking. But then the baby came and I found myself up all night breastfeeding and with DD whenever she was sick. I was EXHAUSTED and I wanted to be home with her. I was the breadwinner yet I was the one who always took time off when she was sick and the one who woke up in the night with her and the one who spent practically every hour when not working looking after her. There are a lot of hours in a full 24 hours when you’re not at work but a child still needs to be cared for and the courts don’t see it like this in the even of a separation.

We then divorced and it’s honestly a MIRACLE that I got custody of her. If you are the breadwinner and your DP is the SAHP, in the event of a divorce you really do risk hardly ever seeing your child (even if in reality you were the breadwinner AND did most of the care outside of work hours) and staying stuck in your career to pay your ex maintenance.

Make sure DP is on board with it - and that he wouldn’t prefer both part-time/time to do something - job, course etc on the weekends/evenings.

The tax system for higher earners favours 2 people working (can use both people’s tax free allowance) so financially it would not necessarily be a huge hit. Also his job prospects and pension may be better if he did work/training.

I have nothing against SAHP and have done it for a while. It does require both people to be on board though.

Very clear from reading the thread that there are a fair few women on here that think like your mother OP, but feel they have to be a bit more subtle about it. Their tutting disapproval of you shines out in expressions of faux concern and snippy little asides. Ignore them, you sound sensible, good luck to you and your DF.

I always knew I wanted children. I was never any good with other people's children but that's changed now I have two of them.
I ended up doing the majority of the care working 2 days a week and DH is the main breadwinner. You have or decide for yourself and do what works for you. Just because you don't consider yourself "maternal" doesn't mean you won't love your own children. Ignore posters berating your choice to have them.

The only thing you will want to consider is will you want to breastfeed and if do, work out how that's going to work for you and your family.

It's none of your mums business. I agree with a previous poster that she's probably invisaged how having grandchildren will be and your choice doesn't reflect that. It's usually the paternal grandparents that worry about not spending enough time with their grandchildren for the reason that the mother would usually do most of the care. I would shut down any more calls telling her that you've decided and won't hear anymore of it.

Ignore her and make it plain you and your DF have made a decision and that is it. She is living in the dark ages and I doubt anything you could say will change her mind. Why does it bother you?

Your Mum is being ridiculous but I suspect that you are only entertaining the idea because your H wants children.

Would you really be TTC if your H wasn’t so enthusiastic? As the person carrying the child there are going to be demands on your physical and emotional well-being that you can’t outsource.

Have a child because you want to, not to placate someone you love or to subscribe to an ideal because it’s expected.

Jeez, lay off the OP for planning. Every time a woman with kids posts on here about financial or childcare problems people tell her she should have planned all that before she chose to conceive them. Here we have someone who is trying her best to do so and she’s getting slated and told she’s immature.

OP, I agree with those who’ve said your plan sounds very sensible, but also give some more thought to the practicalities and perhaps he shouldn’t give up his job entirely until you’ve both seen how the proposed pregnancy and birth and immediate aftermath go. Good luck!

The main risk for you (if married then divorced) would be having limited custody and potentially paying spousal maintenance.
This!

And yet when it's a woman who might be in the end of receiving spousal support its

'Take him for all he has got'
'You deserve that money's
'He was quite happy pursuing his career while you harmed yours bringing up his children. It's only right and fair he pays'

But if a woman might have to pay it, theres outrage and warning about it being a risk.

If you partner is going ro damage their earning potential, damn right it should be addressed in divorce.

So many women have attitudes that are damaging to feminism.

Why do you and your DP think a SAHP would be better than both working (full or part time) and organising good childcare?

How do you both feel about the significant financial and other risks arising for each of you with your preferred option?

However much planning you do in advance, one or more of you could well change your mind about the arrangement you both currently prefer. Which would be fine if you work through it and change the set up. But some things are hard to tackle, eg lost earnings and job prospects after time away from paid work.

As PPs say, some men talk the talk on DC but then don’t actually parent, share the vastly increased domestic work or treat their DP/DW well once they have DC.

I was the one who flagged that risk, scarsalot, along with different risks for OP’s DP, and have done so before on other threads with male OPs with a SAHM wife.

MNetters will advise OPs about their situation, eg a married OP getting divorced is likely to get good legal advice and seek a good financial settlement. A sole breadwinner OP will be reminded of their position in the event of divorce.

The sole breadwinner / SAHP set up gives rise to some really big risks for each party.

Barring ill health/additional needs of any of the family I personally wouldn’t be sole earner nor the SAHP, and nor would DH.

@Scarsthelot no outrage from me. It would be the fair outcome if they split. I was just warning op because some women seem astonished to find that is the case.

I love my kids and have always wanted them. But I don’t like the playing and the repetitive elements of playing with a 2 yr old. I do it because I love them, but my dh is far better at it.

Now they are getting older and can do more it’s is way more fun.

You two are doing the right thing. You know that.

Time to Put your boundaries up. The decision you and your dh have made is not up for discussion and if she can’t stop you will not engage. Then hold that line until she gets the message.

there are going to be demands on your physical and emotional well-being that you can’t outsource

Where exactly has OP said that she's only planning to birth the children and then have nothing to do with them?

"Plenty of working fathers are still considered to be great parents so how is that different in my case?"

Sexism.

It's very simple!

I used to only get to the school gate about 2/3 times a month as DH or minder did mornings. I did evenings, collecting from after school club , so rarely saw parents. There were plenty of dads when I did manage morning drop - at least 20%. He won’t be alone at that stage.

I think in principle it is a good idea.However as Beans and Coffee points out, maybe have a think about him maybe doing P/T and you reducing your hours a little?As far as your DM goes ,this is an old fashioned idea that has been drummed into her ,and you wont change her mind .Just tell her that you have decided to do this ,and its no longer up for discussion! BTW Often surprises me ,that DMS who are encouraging of their DDS to do well academically ,go to Uni and get good jobs earn well etc expect them to become SAHMs as soon as a baby arrives!

I was the one who flagged that risk, scarsalot, along with different risks for OP’s DP, and have done so before on other threads with male OPs with a SAHM wife.

It's not a risk. No more thata ita a risk when a man might have to pay it.

Its to even things up when one has damaged their earning potential for the good of the family.

The word risk us never used when it comes to men.

It's early days and your plans might not work.out how you think. I know a couple who split maternity leave 50:50 and then planned for the man to either be a SAHD or work part time, while the woman would return to work full time (higher earner, not maternal). In reality, after the shared maternity leave, the man also decided to go back to work full time. Being a SAHD was not as he'd envisaged!

Have you considered other alternatives, such as both of you working 3 or 4 days a week? That way you're sharing the load both earning and career-wise.

Hmmm, personally I’d find it hard to respect my DH if he opted out and stayed at home. Is he financially secure? Does he have a decent pension in place?

You are right to be thinking about all this in advance. Many women sleepwalk into having children and then are left with all the responsibilities, running around like headless chickens while the fathers continue with their lives.

There is absolutely no reason why your DF can't be a SAHP. It's less common but men are stepping up and being the main caregiver. I think someone mentioned attachment theory...the only issue here is breastfeeding. Everything else, responsiveness to baby's needs, touch, play and social support can all be met by a father as a main caregiver exactly in the same way that they are met by a mother as a main caregiver.

She's mad.
We did this and were certainly not the only ones, even in our small primary school.
It's been great for our children.

Hmmm, personally I’d find it hard to respect my DH if he opted out and stayed at home. Is he financially secure? Does he have a decent pension in place?

Would he feel the same if you opted out and stayed at home ?

Do you not respect SAHM's ?

I'd have loved to have been able to afford to stay at home with my son until he went to school but I was the major earner, like the OP, so really there was no choice to be made if we wanted to stay where we were living, have holidays etc.

Two parents working part time with a bit of external childcare thrown in is the best set up from what I can establish. This conclusion comes after observing all my friends and school families and ourselves over the past 15 years of parenting. It seems to be the least likely to end in separation too.