Mum doesn't want DFiancé to be a SAHD

[koalaroos]

Been together for 4 years, planning on TTC in about a year.

DF and I have discussed extensively about the potential arrangement we'd have if we had a kid, and came to the conclusion that he would be a SAHD. This is due to the following reasons:

1. I'm not maternal at all while he is very paternal.

My brother and his wife got into an accident last year (they're fine now) and their 2 kids stayed with us for ~ 3 weeks. We decided that I would work while he took care of them as he was the one who would always play with them when they visited while I tend to be a bit more apathetic. It worked brilliantly and everyone was happy.

1. I currently earn about triple what he does in a job that I adore (he hates his) with pretty good opportunities for progression in the near future.

1. We both would prefer if a parent stays home with our child.

We voiced this idea to my mum over the NY, and her reaction has been awful! She's been calling nonstop (patronisingly) about how it's 'not right', how DF will feel 'embarrassed' at the school gates, how there's a reason why men are the breadwinners.

I know myself and we know what's best for us. Has anyone had any experience with changing someone's opinions when it comes to this? Has anyone held those opinions and changed their mind? What then, made you change your mind?

Your mothers view is irrelevant

Your mum is from the dark ages.

We would've done this quite happily had I been the much higher earner at the time. My dh is a brilliant dad, but also very domesticated (I am not).

Why are you even discussing this with your mum, especially when you’re not even TTC?

Why are you even discussing this with your mum, especially when you’re not even TTC?

It was a passing comment! She said 'oh we could spend so much time together if you had kids' or something like that before I broke the news that no, she'd be spending time with my DF instead!

I think it's wonderful @koalaroos - I'm a SAHM and it's bloody hard work, but I LOVE it! Go for it. Sounds like you'll both be happier with this arrangement too, which is vital - your mental health is so important. Stuff her archaic reaction. He won't feel left out at the school gate at all - there are plenty of dads who pick up and drop off and share the load with the moms. Ignore her pessimism and tell her that her negativity is not welcome.

Tell her after careful consideration and her insightful wisdom you have decided not to have kids. That'll teach her. And then crack on with your plans to try for a baby making sure you keep yours and dhs business to yourselves.

My MIL has gradually changed, or at least 'softened' some of her ultra old fashioned views, mainly through just wanting to be close to us and be a big part of DD's life. She initially thought I should give up work and didn't understand why I insisted on going back, even though I earned more than DH. Now she thinks I'm wonderful. I would say don't make a conscious effort to try and change her mind, just do your thing. Gradually she will realize that she can't do anything about it and hopefully tire herself out

@TW2013 makes excellent points. I would just add how to manage the maternity and parental leave.

You will have to take some time off after the baby is born (unless you are self-employed there is a short amount of time when you are not able to return to work (perhaps 2 or 6 weeks?) and you may want to take more than you expect even just to physically recover from the birth.

I am wary of set ups that require one parent to give up work entirely. I am the higher earner but my DH and I always both worked part time (just me more than him) while DC were small.

Even though DH dislikes his job, I think it is unfair and risky to put all the pressure and expectation on one person's circumstances and I don't think is helpful to exclude one parent from the workforce for a stretch of time - impacting on long -term financial security and purpose.

there's a reason why men are the breadwinners
There is indeed. It's called patriarchy. I just love how in threads like this there's always a series of posts about how someone is "the older generation" and how they think differently than "modern people". It amuses hell out of me because I will lay bets that I can give 20 years on your mum and the majority of posters on here. I'm 62. And we didn't think like that. We were too busy discussing the overthrow of patriarchy ….

Age has nothing to do with reactionary thought processes - as frequently well demonstrated on this site.

I agree, OP your DM is stuck in the 1950s. You make triple and he’s more nurturing. Go for it. Just make sure you both discuss the my money/our money dynamic. No SAHP should feel like they have to beg for money from the working parent. Also, he needs to appreciate the extra pressure that comes with being sole breadwinner.

Oh and yes it's none of your mother's business! As @JustaScratch says - just carry on and show her rather than tell her.

Of course the OP should be planning this before she tries to conceive! Look at all the posts on Mn by women apparently ambushed at the end of maternity leave by the surprise of how much childcare costs and concluding they can’t go back to work!

Your mother is a sexist interfering idiot. It's none of her goddam business. You really need to disengage with her now and get strong boundaries in place because it's only going to get worse if and when you get pregnant and have a baby.

Sensible plan btw, sounds as if it will work well. Just make sure you allow yourself enough mat leave to recover from the birth.

And I think you should ask your mother to explain the detail of her thinking? Does she, for instance, think that you have developed testicles since being the chief breadwinner?

This has nothing to do with your mum. You’re not even pregnant yet. Why have you told her this? Stop sharing info with her, it’s none of her business.

How will you feel when the baby forms a real attachment to DF and not yourself? How will it feel coming home to ‘firsts’ you’ve missed? Communication is also another area of contention when DF has only seen the baby all day and not interacted with another adult.
Looking after a baby is hard work and tiring and you have no idea how either of you will feel when it becomes a reality.

I’d edge your bets and not finalise anything until the time comes. Things change. You may even get twins or triplets! What then?

Your mum is very rude to be so opinionated about someone else’s life.
Tell her you’ve noted her opinion , but you don’t want to hear any more about it.

I think wind and otter have Sussex this, along with your last content. Your mum had a dream of grandchildren with you and her doing stuff together with them and this dream has been somewhat shattered. Maybe just treasure her that she will still get to do stuff with you and grandchildren. IMO, sharing the childcare is good as you both get to experience and appreciate how stressful/ boring/ mundane it can be and makes you more likely to respect each others role. My DH did full-time hours over 4 days and I did a long day initially to keep my clinical skills until I could commit to more. We did not have to use nursery and I always knew he was clear what my days were like when he was at work which made him more supportive.

sussed not Sussex !!

re-assure not treasure!
Why do I not check what I write?

You are overthinking this.

I know it sounds like it but before TTC I really think that it's important to have at least a better or more complete knowledge of what could happen and how things could work. Yes, there are definitely going to be curve balls. This planning and hypotheses do impact the trajectory of those metaphorical balls though! I 100% do not want to be a SAHP or go part-time and if we end up finding major, fundamental holes in our plans, there's really no point in TTC in the first place is there. So better to cover all our grounds before making a decision IMO.

sussed not Sussex !!

I'm not surprised you typed this after all the H&M threads going on today!

Eh? Why are you so influenced by your mum?
It makes total sense and it's none of her business!
Plus, you will probably change your mind!! You know you can share it?

Your mother’s opinion is irrelevant

If you’re not maternal at all I don’t think it’s fair to have a child in the first place. You do have a role to play in all this.... presumably you’re not in work 24/7... when you get in from work it will be over to you for bath & bedtime.