Mum doesn't want DFiancé to be a SAHD

[koalaroos]

Been together for 4 years, planning on TTC in about a year.

DF and I have discussed extensively about the potential arrangement we'd have if we had a kid, and came to the conclusion that he would be a SAHD. This is due to the following reasons:

1. I'm not maternal at all while he is very paternal.

My brother and his wife got into an accident last year (they're fine now) and their 2 kids stayed with us for ~ 3 weeks. We decided that I would work while he took care of them as he was the one who would always play with them when they visited while I tend to be a bit more apathetic. It worked brilliantly and everyone was happy.

1. I currently earn about triple what he does in a job that I adore (he hates his) with pretty good opportunities for progression in the near future.

1. We both would prefer if a parent stays home with our child.

We voiced this idea to my mum over the NY, and her reaction has been awful! She's been calling nonstop (patronisingly) about how it's 'not right', how DF will feel 'embarrassed' at the school gates, how there's a reason why men are the breadwinners.

I know myself and we know what's best for us. Has anyone had any experience with changing someone's opinions when it comes to this? Has anyone held those opinions and changed their mind? What then, made you change your mind?

@Guineapigbridge not if one parent doesn't want to go part time and the other is a SAHP

Your DM grew up in a generation when men were the breadwinners and the woman stayed at home. Those institutionalised stereotypes are not always easy to turn against. Just talk to her gently and explain that things in the world have really changed but you have discussed this as a couple and this is what you are going to do. If she keeps referring to it afterwards then tell her simply that it is not up for discussion. Not sure why she is getting so upset about it as you're not even pregnant yet.

Hmmm, personally I’d find it hard to respect my DH if he opted out and stayed at home.

Gosh, you must have a terrible time being around all those workshy women who 'opted out'. Or does the nature of your 'respect' differ depending on whether the recipient has a vagina or not?

See has her opinions and for her they are valid, but it sounds like she is now becoming an annoyance. I would tell her you understand her position, but you are not willing to discuss it any further now, and when the times comes you will do whats best for your whole family.
Than just shut the conversation down and if she persists she will cause a fall out.

@Beansandcoffee - what an awful view.

Lets hope during their marriage and if they do sadly separate they will do whats best for the kids and not trying and gain advantages over each other to the detriment of others.

Why do you need to try to change her opinion? You'll most likely never change her outlook but it doesn't matter.

Crack on with your stay at home dad arrangement - which sounds brilliant by the way - and she'll have to learn over time to keep her opinions on the subject to herself.

Don't waste your time debating with her.

Sounds like you and your DF have it figured out. No ones business apart from yours and his. Ignore and even tell her very firmly that her opinion means nothing. It's 2020... men do not HAVE to be the breadwinner !

Ask her to pay your mortgage so that you can stay at home on a 75% drop in income.

I don't think t's at all odd to discuss childcare before conception. DH and I had a long conversation about is very thing loong before we had dd. We didn't do what we had planned because other things didn't work out as we'd expected...

I, too, told my mum what our plans were. People talk to each other. Plans are never set in stone but it's good to make one before the event as you are less emotionally invested (talking about a hypothetical birth and baby is, as well know, very different to talking about an actual baby). The initial plan may work in reality, but you also have to be flexible about it and sometimes the plan needs revision when reality hits.

As your um currently has completely unrealistic ideas about what to expect once you do have children why not tell her that? Of course you would. You can bet that you would have a much bigger problem if you'd just let her carry on thinking that she'd be spending all that time with you.

Chances are she's disappointed and was just venting that, and she'll be fine once she's had a bit of time to get used to the idea.

Cheeseandwin. Not an awful view just fact - except it is normally the mum that houses the children as they are the ones at home. I think it is fair. The higher earner has to pay.

“The word risk us never used when it comes to men”

Yes it is. “being sole (Or even the main) earner - or other situations - brings risks whether you’re a man or a woman.

Men are well aware of this and openly discuss it often enough!

@Graphista the point you made at number 2. You have summed up perfectly the issues of not being married and the huge problem it can cause financially. No one seems to appreciate this. Actually every point you made was spot on.

Your mum is living in the past. Plenty of dads do drop off/pick up at my daughter's school and I know of one sahd in my daughter's class of 15.

@Divebar - honestly, in a professional capacity I know lots and lots about attachment theory (DM for more details if you like). It doesn't matter if the primary attachment figure is male or female, or mum dad granny auntie etc. Infant can also have more than one primary attachment figure. What's matters is their availability and responsiveness. It's true that often, some men are not up to the challenge. But some men are. And some women aren't. I'd assume that the sensible sounding OP is considering what's best for the theoretical baby as well. OP, "Why Love Matters" by Sue Gerhardt is a key and much loved book on this subject.

www.routledge.com/Why-Love-Matters-How-affection-shapes-a-babys-brain-2nd-Edition/Gerhardt/p/book/9780415870535

@Beansandcoffee

Your initially email said:
But Just be careful as if sadly you were to separate you May have to pay child mtnce to him and also that the children could live with him as he would have done the majority of the day to day parenting so he might have rights to claim more of any equity on any property in order to house the children. Just something to think about. Could you go part time and your H works part time

Would you give the same advice to a man? That he should forego his responsibilities just so he doesn't have to pay maintenance?
That they should cut their income and have her look after the kids ( which she doesn't want to do) just so she is better off if they split?
It is a ridiculous view and the children would suffer under such an arrangement.
They are a couple, they have certain strengths, his are more maternal, hers are being a much higher earner. Whilst they are together and even if they split the first priority should be the welfare if the kids.

Cheeseandwin5 - I dint care about the maintenance - everyone has to follow the law. But yes I would say that to a man and particularly my sons. They need to take equal responsibility for their kids and money isn’t everything. I think kids who are looked after by both parents working part time have a much better relationship with both parents. I feel sorry for those mums and dads who have to work long hours and miss out on so much just so one parent can stay at home.

Simply put (not RTWT though)....fuck all to do with her.