Mum doesn't want DFiancé to be a SAHD

[koalaroos]

Been together for 4 years, planning on TTC in about a year.

DF and I have discussed extensively about the potential arrangement we'd have if we had a kid, and came to the conclusion that he would be a SAHD. This is due to the following reasons:

1. I'm not maternal at all while he is very paternal.

My brother and his wife got into an accident last year (they're fine now) and their 2 kids stayed with us for ~ 3 weeks. We decided that I would work while he took care of them as he was the one who would always play with them when they visited while I tend to be a bit more apathetic. It worked brilliantly and everyone was happy.

1. I currently earn about triple what he does in a job that I adore (he hates his) with pretty good opportunities for progression in the near future.

1. We both would prefer if a parent stays home with our child.

We voiced this idea to my mum over the NY, and her reaction has been awful! She's been calling nonstop (patronisingly) about how it's 'not right', how DF will feel 'embarrassed' at the school gates, how there's a reason why men are the breadwinners.

I know myself and we know what's best for us. Has anyone had any experience with changing someone's opinions when it comes to this? Has anyone held those opinions and changed their mind? What then, made you change your mind?

Your mum is already interfering about childcare arrangements for a baby you have yet to conceive? Bloody Hell! Don't waste even a minute trying to change her mind, just tell her to mind her own business.

My dh is a sahp and it's been brilliant!! We are nc with our dps but I would have told them straight if they had made such comments!!

Tell her to piss off.

Her comments don't even make sense as you're already the breadwinner.

Good job it's not up to her.

We swapped and DH is now the sahp, works fine and our mothers finally got used to it. Not as dramatic as yours but still plenty of subtle guilt tripping and 'worrying that we'd cope financially', despite me now earning more than DH did.

Your earning capacity is far superior, you live your job. It would be economic suicide to consider you staying at home.
He enjoys it. Your Mother needs to teleport herself back to 2020 as the 1950s are long gone!
More men should get to experience the intimate joy and challenges of being a stay-at-home parent!

Seems like a great set up for your family.
None of your DMs business at all really so just crack on OP

Do what’s best for you- the only question I have is, how social in your DH? Life as a SAHP can be isolating, women tend to be better at forming social support when at home, helped by the fact as the majority of other SAHP are mothers.
I know times have changed by my father was a SAHD after my mum died and he sunk into depression- yes many different contributing factors but just wondered how your DP will cope when all his friends talk work, go for a drink after work etc.

I don't think him being SAHD is any different to you being SAHM, however you do need to consider a number of factors beyond those on your list:

He is in a perilous position financially and might never get back to previous earnings. My youngest is now 10, I worked very part time when they were little, working my hours up to full time term time, I am only now at a similar salary to pre dc. Those who gave up work completely are generally in much worse jobs than they were pre children, especially those without a profession.

He is good playing with the dc but will he also take on the bulk of the housework/ mental load. Or will you do that on top of your job.

I am not massively maternal towards other children but will defend my own like a tiger. It feels different.

If he was able to work part time, you can take advantage of his tax allowance so every pound he earns up to the tax/ NI limit you keep whereas you are probably taxed at 40% or more on your earnings.

Were you to separate he would probably be deemed the main carer and you might only see your dc EOW. He would be dependent on you for maintenance.

Do consider those other factors too. You full time or maybe a condensed week and him part time might be a better compromise.

There are more Dads doing drop off and pick up at my DC's school than there are Mums....

Oh and those points are the same whether male or female.

Sounds good in theory.

You may find that you don't want to go back to work and do feel maternal in a way you don't expect, when you have your own. So I would think about whether there are any options for flexible working, compressed hours or both of you working part-time, and have them as options in the background. I wouldn't set it in stone that you're doing it one way. He might find it really hard at home as well.

You should also discuss reasonable expectations about money and housework. Do you feel like it's your money if you earn it, or do you think you'll see it as family money? Are you expecting to come home to tea on the table and house like a new pin, etc? Try to feel out the possible friction points, and think about how you'll handle them.

Sounds like a no brainer to me! Brilliant you are a team and know what works for you and your future growing family. She's being silly - to be fair to her this would sound SO out there to my parents too but only because it just wasn't a thing when they were at that stage of life. So she's being ignorant rather than nasty. Your decision and like I say you sound like a great team! Go for it

In future don’t tell your mum anything! She cannot object if she doesn’t know about it. And when it’s a fait accompli there is nothing she can do. There is a lesson to be learned here!

Your mum is being ridiculous you won't change her feelings, but when it becomes reality and the no longer new she will probably stop worrying about it being different.

Not her business full stop. But there are also significantly more dads doing the pick up than there were 7 years ago. He should be fine.

None of her business. Your plan sounds totally sensible and if you feel differently when DC arrive, you can always change your mind then.

Why do you care what your mum thinks?

For all her faults I had a very good upbringing so we don't always have a good relationship but she's still my mum and she'll always be family to me.

Why do you want kids?

I'd really like a family of my own and I think DF will be an absolutely amazing father. I'm not the most 'caring' in the traditional emotional sense but I think I'm great with the practicalities and the 'be there for them no matter what' bit so it's a nice balance with us that I think will work.

Very outdated views. At the school gates there are plenty of dads. I shared the last part of my maternity leave with my other half. Do what suits you both and will make you happy.

Tell her you don't want to discuss it and if she starts then hang up. Teach her that her comments are not welcome

That's ridiculous, I'd have no problem with my son's being a sahd.
However, I'd say the same as I would for a woman about protecting himself financially.
Would he be able to retrain for something he'd like to do when dc started school?

The world needs more people like you & your DP to challenge these ridiculous notions.
Sounds like it makes perfect sense.

Lots of men want a family of their own. They like the idea of it. They love the concept. The rest not so much.
Just be aware of that for yourself.

Smile and keep the relationship with your mother going, but do whatever is best for your family. Your mum has already had her turn. She might need some time to adjust her expectations of the future and how she imagined it would be, having grandchildren.

Why on earth are you wanting a kid if you’re not maternal at all. You don’t sound in the least bit interested. If you can’t entertain your relatives kids for a while it doesn’t bode well for you having your own.

There’s a lot of dad, grandads etc at the school gate nowadays,