Mum doesn't want DFiancé to be a SAHD

[koalaroos]

Been together for 4 years, planning on TTC in about a year.

DF and I have discussed extensively about the potential arrangement we'd have if we had a kid, and came to the conclusion that he would be a SAHD. This is due to the following reasons:

1. I'm not maternal at all while he is very paternal.

My brother and his wife got into an accident last year (they're fine now) and their 2 kids stayed with us for ~ 3 weeks. We decided that I would work while he took care of them as he was the one who would always play with them when they visited while I tend to be a bit more apathetic. It worked brilliantly and everyone was happy.

1. I currently earn about triple what he does in a job that I adore (he hates his) with pretty good opportunities for progression in the near future.

1. We both would prefer if a parent stays home with our child.

We voiced this idea to my mum over the NY, and her reaction has been awful! She's been calling nonstop (patronisingly) about how it's 'not right', how DF will feel 'embarrassed' at the school gates, how there's a reason why men are the breadwinners.

I know myself and we know what's best for us. Has anyone had any experience with changing someone's opinions when it comes to this? Has anyone held those opinions and changed their mind? What then, made you change your mind?

Eh? Why are you so influenced by your mum?

It's not so much being influenced by her but rather me wondering about whether there's any validity (albeit from a different angle) to her concerns with regards to our plan of DF being a SAHD!

OP you're the most sensible person I've ever seen on MN with regards to your approach before TTC, yet you're still getting grief.

People are weird.

That’s perfectly sensible, @koalaroos. I would certainly not have had a child if it had involved being a SAHP.

Does your DM think no dads fo the school run? Single dads, widowed dads, dads who work shifts? wfh dads??

I mean, your planning is perfectly sensible, not your fears that your mother somehow has a point from her vantage point in the 1950s. I wonder what she’d be saying if you were planning to abandon your working life when you had your baby.

Still not sure what any of this has to do with your mum?

It sounds like you want a family as a tick box exercise and because you think it's the thing to do. Just because he would be a good dad isn't reason enough to have a baby.

I can't imagine a situation where my niece and nephew stayed with me, yet my BF/Fiance was the one looking after them. That's very telling.

I don't see how you'll really form an attachment to your baby from how you speak. I don't see the emotional side from you. It all seems very transactional with you.

He won't be the only dad at the school gates, but he will begin the minority. That's really not what I see as an issue in all this though.

A bit odd telling your mum you might have a baby in 2 years time and you think your husband will be a stay at home dad. Why would you even tell anyone? I'm planning another baby shortly, I've not told my mum about it or what my mat leave plans are as its none of anyone else's business.

You earn more so do whatever suits you. Seems odd if you don't seem bothered about children why you'd want them in the first place though?

Eh? Why are you so influenced by your mum?

There's nothing abnormal about this. For ppl who have had a good relationship with their mum, it's only natural that what your mum says can influence or bother you.

It's human psychology.

Does your DM think no dads fo the school run? Single dads, widowed dads, dads who work shifts? wfh dads??

I think she thinks that DF will be 'looked-down-upon' if people find out he's not the breadwinner.

I’m now more taken aback at the number of posters who appear to think that women should be prepared to chuck away their careers as a matter of course before trying to conceive, otherwise they don’t ‘really’ want a child. Clearly, most men don’t really wan children. Apart from the OP’s husband.

Tell your mum that if the only option (according to her) is for you to be the SAHP then there will no grandchildren. Because you can’t afford it. That might help her focus.

It sounds like you want a family as a tick box exercise and because you think it's the thing to do.

Some days I actually do wonder this tbh. My initial defence is that I like children when they're a bit older and can talk to you etc — it's the same reason why I never liked pets! Honestly I feel like I see having a family the way most (hopefully good) working fathers do. I'll gladly do bedtimes, dinners, weekends, holidays. I just can't see myself doing the day-to-day care portion of parenting, that's all. But it's certainly all food for thought, hence, the early 'planning'.

I think it is a bad decision, you don’t like kids and your fiancé and your kids would be left in a very bad position if you end up splitting.

Because as progressive as we claim to be, the vast majority of people would expect the main carer parent to live the house and the kids to the parent who has spent less time raising the kids if he is a man.

He already isn't the breadwinner.

I'd say 'there are loads of dads at the school gates / baby groups etc now (and everyone thinks they're bloody great and annoyingly give them load of praise for being involved dads when they would never say that to a mum)'. 'Why do you care what other people think - surely its more important that we're happy' 'arent you proud of me for my amazing salary' 'we will have to agree to disagree, can we change the subject'.

It sounds like she is very old fashioned, sexist, and with an under-inflated sense of how much you should listen to her and her role in your potential babys future. I think you will have to get tougher on shutting her down as this will be the tip of the iceberg if you so get pregnant!

I’m now more taken aback at the number of posters who appear to think that women should be prepared to chuck away their careers as a matter of course before trying to conceive, otherwise they don’t ‘really’ want a child.

Ha I've already heard viewpoints (from a different thread on a different topic) that mothers who don't want to stay at home all day with their kids are bad mothers and that people aren't sure why they bother having children in the first place!

grandmas don't get to influence these things - it's the parents choice. yes, it is still unusual for the man to be SAHD but he will survive the school gate. it sounds completely the right thing for your family.

I will gladly do bedtimes, weekends and holidays

how about tantrums, sickness, vomit and sleepless nights? Endless bickering if you have more than one? It comes all in the same surprise pack.

Also not the point of the thread but I am very non maternal and dont really like kids, I struggle to actively play with my nephews and nieces, avoid holding babies, etc. It is completely different with my own. I dont know if its familiarity or biology but it took me by surprise

Your mum is a sexist fool.

how about tantrums, sickness, vomit and sleepless nights? Endless bickering if you have more than one? It comes all in the same surprise pack.

I'd imagine that I'd be just like any other good working father? Of course I'll be there but I won't be the primary carer, that's all.

Maybe your mum is disappointed that she won't get to spend much time with her daughter and grandchild if you're not intending to be a SAHM? Otherwise none of her business.

Bit gobsmacked at so many posters suggesting that OP doesn't really want kids if she doesn't want to be a SAHM. Do you feel the same way about dads who retain their careers? Should both parents jack in their jobs so they can dote on the baby and make it feel truly loved? Would it be better if she kept working but hated it and missed the baby terribly?

OP I have a friend in your traditional-set-up-but-role-reversed family. Works great for them. Excellent role modelling to their daughter about the success and satisfaction that women can have in their careers.

Some days I actually do wonder this tbh. My initial defence is that I like children when they're a bit older and can talk to you etc

Of course they're more interesting when they get older and less hard work.

I've known of a few women have kids just for the sake of it... because it's expected or because of pressure...even covert pressure.

You need to realise that this could have an impact on your future children.

They know when you aren't that interested in them...you may think they're too young to remember, but I've spoken to adults who remember having a mum that they weren't emotionally bonded with.

They'll remember that dad was, but because most mums are emotionally bonded and are the go to parent when theyre distressed...your different attitude will be more noticeable to them.

I'm not suggesting they'll be social deviants, because forming a primary attachment to one consistent loving caregiver in their formative years, is crucial in their development.

You're as entitled to post about anything as anyone else is. Ignore that ridiculous post.

As your mum says, there's a reason why men usually do the earning and women stay at home: it's because usually men earn more. So tell her that and point out that in your case thatis not the case.

Otherwise tell her that this is the plan you are intending to follow and you would be glad if she could be supportive of it, but if she can't then it need not be discussed again.