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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mum doesn't want DFiancé to be a SAHD

192 replies

koalaroos · 08/01/2020 21:24

Been together for 4 years, planning on TTC in about a year.

DF and I have discussed extensively about the potential arrangement we'd have if we had a kid, and came to the conclusion that he would be a SAHD. This is due to the following reasons:

  1. I'm not maternal at all while he is very paternal.

My brother and his wife got into an accident last year (they're fine now) and their 2 kids stayed with us for ~ 3 weeks. We decided that I would work while he took care of them as he was the one who would always play with them when they visited while I tend to be a bit more apathetic. It worked brilliantly and everyone was happy.

  1. I currently earn about triple what he does in a job that I adore (he hates his) with pretty good opportunities for progression in the near future.
  1. We both would prefer if a parent stays home with our child.

We voiced this idea to my mum over the NY, and her reaction has been awful! She's been calling nonstop (patronisingly) about how it's 'not right', how DF will feel 'embarrassed' at the school gates, how there's a reason why men are the breadwinners.

I know myself and we know what's best for us. Has anyone had any experience with changing someone's opinions when it comes to this? Has anyone held those opinions and changed their mind? What then, made you change your mind?

OP posts:
speakout · 08/01/2020 22:05

I don't know why yuo have posted.
You are not even pregnant- yet getting worked up about an imaginary event that hasn't happened, may not happen for a long time or not ever.

THis is is a very odd thread.

I think you need a hobby OP.

LadyMinerva · 08/01/2020 22:05

Smile and nod and just get on with it is the best you can do at this stage. Hopefully she will get used to the idea over time. If not, it's your life and from what you've said, the arrangement is perfect and works for you.

cakeandchampagne · 08/01/2020 22:06

It’s not your mother’s business.
Tell her you’re not going to discuss it with her.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 08/01/2020 22:07

I was the main breadwinner, very on board with DH taking the major role with the childcare.

Except when DS1 was born I felt very differently, breastfed exclusively and wanted a big role myself.

Until your baby is born, you can’t make concrete plans or know how you will feel. Pointless arguing about it now.

Drabarni · 08/01/2020 22:07

I wasn't maternal either, babies were just small wriggly things.
I was always pleased for the parents and would take an interest, but knew it wasn't for me.

I ended up with 3 and friends and family said the difference was unbelievable. Lots of comments about it being the making of me. I embraced motherhood 100% and our ds2 is just about leaving now too. Only one left to fly the nest, and i wouldn't change a thing.

You love your kids because they are yours, to suggest a lack of maternal instinct alone is a reason not to have a child is ridiculous.
Unless, a HCP advised against it of course. I know someone who should never have had a child when she did.

koalaroos · 08/01/2020 22:08

I think the thing is that I have very long-term career ambitions while DF works for the sake of working, if that makes sense. As it is, he already does a majority of the housework in our house as my hours are a bit longer some days. Re his sociability, he's been a regular volunteer at this place even before we met and have plenty of SAHM/retired friends from there so I'm not worried that he'd feel lonely or isolated!

OP posts:
Graphista · 08/01/2020 22:09

Totally you and fiancés business what you choose to do.

But you need to consider all the ramifications of your decision and I agree completely looking after someone else's dc for a few weeks is in no way comparable to caring for your own PLUS don't underestimate the power of hormones!

I was a Sahm myself for a time and enjoyed it well enough but had some difficulties with it too which I really didn't expect considering I'd been a nanny as a job I'd done prior to having dd.

I've friends and family who have done a variety of parenting options inc a fair few sahd and even single dads in the mix.

There's a lot to consider:

1 finances - yes you're earning more now will it always be the case that you have more earning power? The reality is even just minimal maternity leave could impact that. You also don't yet know if minimal maternity leave is all you'll need. I planned to work until week before dd born and return after about 2 months off (sedentary non stressful office job at that time so no reason in theory why I couldn't. I was also a younger fit and healthy mum aside from endo and had no reason to expect complications. Instead I developed GD, had horrific pelvic pain issues from quite early on, then ended up on complete bed rest and hospitalised with pre-eclampsia. Then the birth was traumatic and dangerous for both of us - again completely unpredictably nothing to do with the pre-eclampsia and ended in an emcs with dd in scbu) also my then husband (army) was posted to our new location just after we had her so I couldn't go back to that job, new location much more remote and in an area of high unemployment.

Have you discussed how you'll manage finances on one income? Will he have free access to all income or will he work it on an allowance? Do you have similar attitudes to spending/saving?

2 - are you going to marry before having dc? You say you're engaged but do you have actual wedding plans? Because anyone planning on becoming a sahp would be very foolish to do so without protecting themselves in this way. Not just because of the possibility of separating but also in case the earning partner becomes incapacitated or dies - it does happen and can leave the sahp & the children in seriously dire circumstances

3 - have you discussed how long he will be sahd for? What he/you will do to ensure he can return to work smoothly - training to maintain skills/keep cv & refs up to date, childcare if he wants to go back to work when the dc are nursery/school/high school age - when he does want to. Have you considered what you'll do if he doesn't enjoy doing it and changes his mind?

4 have you discussed opinions on childcare and parenting? It's rare for 2 people to have exactly the same opinions on everything childcare related. Will you expect him to parent as you would if you were the one at home? Although to be honest I don't think you can really know this until you're doing it. How do you resolve conflict?

5 as pps have said have you considered that if you were to separate your fiancé would likely get residency as the primary carer you would get what most dads get of eow and maybe a day in the week. Plus you'd have to pay maintenance. You may argue that fiancé is saying NOW that he'd agree to 50/50 but during a split such promises tend to go out the window

6 while your mums reaction is quite strong it's unlikely to be the only time someone questions this decision. So are you prepared to cope with that?

Depending where you live some areas would still find it unusual and it could be difficult for your fiancé to access support/build a support network

It's becoming more common but it's still far from the norm.

7 if you're planning on bf how will that work? Not everyone can express. A relatively minor point but still worth considering.

Nobody really knows how they will feel, what will be important to them as a parent until they are a parent and you're not even pregnant yet.

It's overwhelming and life changing in a way you cannot comprehend until you're there.

Snowmonster · 08/01/2020 22:10

Your Mum is of a different generation with outdated views and she feels entitled to express them regardless.
The views of your mum are insensitive - it's your decision and she can like it or lump it!

Namechanger212333333333 · 08/01/2020 22:11

My dad was a SAHD until I went to school... it wasn’t financially viable any other way when I was a child (I’m early 30s now). It was also pretty unheard of for a man to stay home!
I had the best childhood and have fantastic memories of my dad and i.

My DH was a SaHd from when our DS was 18months - 3 years and it also worked fantastically. I earned A lot more so made no sense at all for me to be at home. It worked for us, do what will work for you OP

BonnieSeptember · 08/01/2020 22:11

Ignore her, sounds like the best arrangement both financially and practically for your family! :)

koalaroos · 08/01/2020 22:11

I don't know why yuo have posted.
You are not even pregnant- yet getting worked up about an imaginary event that hasn't happened, may not happen for a long time or not ever.*

Um is it not the norm to plan and think of contingencies before something happens? Having children is probably the singular biggest decision you can make in your life so if things don't look like they're going to work out in these 'imaginary situations', not having children becomes a viable option too.

OP posts:
speakout · 08/01/2020 22:12

koalaroos

You are overthinking this.
You are not even pregnant.
Life works in wobbly ways.

Your mothers view is so irrelevant.
You may never become pregnant.
Your OH may leave you.
You may leave your OH.
You may be sacked.
You may become ill.

I really don't understand the need to plan life to such a degree.
In my experience there are a lot of curved balls.

otterhound · 08/01/2020 22:13

Your mum just wants to come round whenever she wants and tell you all about how it was in her day and how babies slept on their mummies, eating meat and 2 veg by 6 months etc. She wants to relive her baby days.
She Cant do that if there is man doing the rearing!

TigerOnATrain · 08/01/2020 22:14

@koalaroos It's got feck-all to do with your mother.

Good luck to you both. Smile

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/01/2020 22:15

Sounds like it should work OP. My only suggestion would be don’t have him give up work unTIL after your mat leave- just incase you change maybe not the plan, but how long you want off etc. It’s very different having your baby and leaving them to go to work in reality to the hypothetical.

BrusselPout · 08/01/2020 22:15

It has nothing at all to do with her, so I would be tempted to quite directly tell her that it's none of her business and you don't appreciate her comments! If that is what works best for your family, go for it

OxfordCat · 08/01/2020 22:16

Sounds like a great solution for you both. Go for it and good luck!

In future don't discuss your plans as a couple with your mother. It's none of her business and you shouldn't feel the need to seek her validation of your decisions.

Karenisbaren · 08/01/2020 22:18

To be frank it is none of your mums business, lots of men do the school run these days, she is living in the 40's

Catsandchardonnay · 08/01/2020 22:20

What century is your mum living in? How can attitudes like that still exist? Ask her what the reason is why men are usually the breadwinners? Is it because they have penises? I’m not really seeing the link myself!

Your DF will be much admired at the school gates! And at baby activities too.

CassidyStone · 08/01/2020 22:21

The only mistake you and your partner have made is to make your mother aware of your plans. It's absolutely nothing to do with her. It makes economic sense for you to carry on working while your partner cares for the child you may have. Ignore her and carry on with your lives the way you want to, and I hope you are able to get pregnant without any problem.

Oct18mummy · 08/01/2020 22:23

It’s not the 1950s the world has changed.

ColaFreezePop · 08/01/2020 22:27

The only thing I can say is ignore your mother and stay engaged until your youngest child is at least school aged.

If you aren't married then separate your OH will have to go and get a job so you are more likely to agree 50/50 child arrangements. If you are married then separate when they are school age unless you are a high earner he won't be getting spousal maintenance even though you will have to give him more of the marital assets.

MajesticWhine · 08/01/2020 22:29

You are not even TTC yet, so you are worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet, nor will in the near future. However, hypothetically there is no problem with it. I wouldn't waste your energy trying to change your mum's mind. Just wait and see what happens. It may or may not happen as you are planning. and she may or may not get used to the idea. Too many unknowns to control the outcome.

PanamaPattie · 08/01/2020 22:30

I fail to understand why on earth your DM feels her opinion counts. The potential situation has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with her.

ColaFreezePop · 08/01/2020 22:31

And yes I am being mercenary.

In rl I would tell your DP to work at least part-time regardless. It means he could more easily work full-time anything happened to you or your relationship, regardless whether you are married or not.