Mum doesn't want DFiancé to be a SAHD

[koalaroos]

Been together for 4 years, planning on TTC in about a year.

DF and I have discussed extensively about the potential arrangement we'd have if we had a kid, and came to the conclusion that he would be a SAHD. This is due to the following reasons:

1. I'm not maternal at all while he is very paternal.

My brother and his wife got into an accident last year (they're fine now) and their 2 kids stayed with us for ~ 3 weeks. We decided that I would work while he took care of them as he was the one who would always play with them when they visited while I tend to be a bit more apathetic. It worked brilliantly and everyone was happy.

1. I currently earn about triple what he does in a job that I adore (he hates his) with pretty good opportunities for progression in the near future.

1. We both would prefer if a parent stays home with our child.

We voiced this idea to my mum over the NY, and her reaction has been awful! She's been calling nonstop (patronisingly) about how it's 'not right', how DF will feel 'embarrassed' at the school gates, how there's a reason why men are the breadwinners.

I know myself and we know what's best for us. Has anyone had any experience with changing someone's opinions when it comes to this? Has anyone held those opinions and changed their mind? What then, made you change your mind?

They'll remember that dad was, but because most mums are emotionally bonded and are the go to parent when theyre distressed...your different attitude will be more noticeable to them.

My DF will be emotionally bonded with them and he'll be their go-to parent. I will be just like any other working father. Plenty of working fathers are still considered to be great parents so how is that different in my case?

Why do you call him DF. Am I missing something

Sorry that sounded a bit harsher than I'd like but I'm genuinely curious. To me at least, what we're planning is pretty tradition to any single-income family setup except that I'm in the traditional 'dad' role and he's in the traditional 'mum' role. I hate to use 'mum' and 'dad' roles that way but alas it's the best way to explain it.

Why do you call him DF

We're engaged. Don't want to type Fiancé out every time.

Oh ok!! I keep reading it as dear father.

*pretty traditional like any

It's none of her business

My then-husband stayed at home for 3 years when my son was born.
It didn't make sense for me to be a SAHM when I earnt way more than he did.

If it works for you, then do it - don't worry about your mother and her views from the 1950s

Look, it’s totally fine. But just don’t have kids as a tick box.
That’s what my mother did. My dad was a sahp.
There were ups and downs as I imagine any children’s lives are when one parent is a bit indifferent about kids, but the indifferent parent thinks they’ll be good at the organising and practical stuff and doesn’t much like kids until they can engage, but then they’re not that happy with how they engage. And many fathers are like that.

Mine was the reverse, but I would say it’s hard for any kid to have a parent who’s not that interested in them.

I think it's nobody's business what you do. I do think you're being naive about how you'll feel though. However, that's neither here nor there at this stage.

In my family we have one SAHD because his wife has a high powered, high earning job and it makes perfect sense. It has always worked well for them. At the school gates there are as many males as there are females. Indeed we have several dads who are registered childminders. The world has moved on a bit thankfully.

I mean mine was the reverse from the standard

And I really wonder why my mother had children. As a ✅ I guess. Sadly

It seems perfectly reasonable to me. But you would have to make your peace with the fact that if you separated your DP would get the majority of the time with the children and you might just see them every other weekend. I see a lot of women who are surprised by that.

So you earn triple what your partner does but your mum thinks that because you're a woman, you should stay at home? 🤔. Not very logical is she?! I'm not a SAHM but I work part time and DH works full time so I'm the main carer so to speak but we made that decision because DH earns and always has earned more than me. Usually that's how people decide 😂

None of your mother's business

But I can understand why she gave her opinion since you felt the need to tell her you were about to try to conceive and (and this baffles me) your expected childcare arrangements afterwards. Why on earth would you explain this to your mum. Why would you say you are planning a baby even? Does everything have to be public now?

It might all work out well for you OP - just as you have imagined. Or it might not. But you have no idea. minding someone else's child for a weekend gives you zero idea how you will be as a mother. or how your partner will be as a father. You don't actually know how your partner will be minding an infant day to day with your swooping in "like a good working father" . Most sahps find it fairly bloody hard tbh. mothers are conditioned to accept the hard. men not so much.

Decide if you want children. It is ok if you want to return to work after. most of us do. I went back at 12 weeks (no real maternity leave where I was). It was fine. But I had NO idea how I would feel about my children until I had them.

Why not just plan on having children and thinking out the exact logistics later. And why not stop involving your mother in what is essentially your sex life.

Loads more dads do the school drop off and pick up now than even say, 8 yrs ago. It won't be a problem for him at all.

I think what she's saying here is it doesn't fit her worldview and she's embarrassed.
I do sometimes wonder as well if reactions like this are about them feeling insecure and upset with the choices in life that they've made. It's why some women love the Daily Mail and Express. It reinforces their world view and makes them feel safe.

Why would you say you are planning a baby even? Does everything have to be public now?

Copying and pasting my earlier reply:

It was a passing comment! She said 'oh we could spend so much time together if you had kids' or something like that before I broke the news that no, she'd be spending time with my DF instead!

Why not just plan on having children and thinking out the exact logistics later.

This won't work because if for whatever reason, through planning, we arrive at the conclusion that we can't agree on arrangements, we can't exactly un-conceive can we!

I changed all my ideas about what kind of parent I'd be, after my DC were born. I feel daft now for saying some of the things I did!

I agree with the ‘none of her damn business!’

We’ve had clashes with my mother over stuff with our parenting and now make it very clear....our children = our choice

I think this sounds sensible but I think you might be surprised how that feel when DC are born.

I don't like kids, at all. The idea of someone handing me a baby fills me with dread. DS is 7 weeks old and I'm already devastated that I'm going back to work in the summer. I'm honestly surprised that I feel as strongly as I do. I've never seen myself as maternal.

One of my work mate is the go to Dad at home.
If kids are sick they wake Dad not Mum overnight

It was a passing comment! She said 'oh we could spend so much time together if you had kids' or something like that before I broke the news that no, she'd be spending time with my DF instead!

Yeah passing comment. So you say, yeah mum like maternity leave will be all shopping - hey did you hear about the new book. NOT "no mum, when I conceive and give birth in a year's time dh will be staying at home and minding the child" seriously stop trying to think 20 stops ahead and telling everyone about it.

This won't work because if for whatever reason, through planning, we arrive at the conclusion that we can't agree on arrangements, we can't exactly un-conceive can we!

Lots of unplanned things can happen with a baby. you can't unconceive then either. I think you need to stop confiding so much in your mum and, frankly, I think you need to realise you cannot plan for everything and think this through well before you have a baby.

you sound very young to me in your belief that life will unfold just the way you plan (but then I am old so that might be a bit unfair)

Ignore your mum and prove her wrong

Of course yanbu but give your mum the benefit of the doubt, and take it not as criticism but as disappointment that things won't be quite as she imagined (not that things ever like you imagine!). Why not tell her "oh come on mum, we can spend lots of time together on the weekends, and of course we hope you'd like to babysit for us sometimes". Focus on that rather than the sahd thing. Because it would the same situation if you both went back to work and neither was SAHP.

OP I donr know why you are getting such a hard time. You are no different to the majority of men that have kids and keep working full time and being the breadwinner.

Your mum is disappointed what shevhad planned isnt going to happen. I would tell her that, that was her plan. Not yours.

My mum was horrified that I continued my career after I had kids. But her choices are not mine. I would also tell your mim that sahd are more common and that if she ever tells him he should be the bread winner, there will be issues.

Things to consider are

His pension
His access to money
How he will keep his CV relevant for when he goes back to work
Being married

Just like all these things should be considered for a sahm. No one should become a sahm without legal protection. Easiest way is marriage, though there are others. If you split, not married he will be in the shit. If you love him, you wont want that.

Other things to consider are as the main earner, in the event if a split he will be the resident parent and a divorce will look to even things out. He will have given up work and damaged his employability. A divorce would, in some ways compensate that. If his pension is shit, you could find him getting a portion of yours or you having to give him the equivalent. Post divorce he would still need to get a job, in all probability. So he needs to make sure he is secure.

This is all advice I gave to my brother when he talked about being a sahd (he is now), female friends who have diacusses their partner being sahd and female friends thinking of being sahm.

Ultimately, the decision about what's best is for you and your partner. It's no one elses business. But both people shoild be fully aware of what's likely to happen in the event of worst case scenario.

Bit gobsmacked at so many posters suggesting that OP doesn't really want kids if she doesn't want to be a SAHM

That isn’t what people are saying. People are responding to the fact that the OP said she wasn’t maternal at all. I think as far as planning goes you might want to read up on “attachment ” and see what the role of the “mother” plays with a young baby rather than the general function of “parent”. When a baby is very young their need is for the mother....basic survival instinct. I’m not trying to open up a big debate about it here and I’m not saying women need to be SAHP but it is interesting reading. There are also situations where one parent is left holding the baby for sad reasons other than divorce so you have to be prepared to be the sole parent in those circumstances ( unusual though that might be there are young widows).